Friday, November 18, 2011

Pulled out into wakefulness
floating at the edge
of slumber's space.

The memories hang, drift round the heart
accompany the day.
Conflating of sensations and truths.

Emotions betray concocted experiences
Colouring the time without permission
New dreams, happenings, memories, tomorrow

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Am I really an adult? Already? It certainly feels like it. I'm working, doing a PhD, own a car, live with T and tend to be the one that holds it together when family stuff starts happening. And there is definitely family stuff happening right now. I'm also trying to make friends at college, but it's not so easy when everyone else lives there I and don't. That'll come in time though I hope.

I look exhausted these days. I've been doing a lot more exercise as I'm trying to lose weight (and succeeding!) and maybe I need to sleep more to compensate, but I want to spend time with T and go to the gym and cook properly and go out. The thing I miss the most is painting. I've had this urge for a while now to make a big painting - 6ft or something. Problem is, where can I do that? I guess I could do it downstairs if I didn't linger over it. Hmm, if I plan it properly, that could actually work out.

Anyway, the point is, I'm tired and feel like I'm responsible for quite a few things now. I'm actually ok with it - I don't necessarily want to be an undergraduate again (although I would say that was the best period of my life so far). I feel like I'm all grown up and almost have this grown-up life. Part of me wants the rest of it desperately, but the other part knows that once you have it, it's not easy to give it up again.

I'm rambling really - I don't have anything specific in mind when I say all this. It just occurred to me that I'm 26 and working hard for well, lets face it, very ordinary money for a Cambridge graduate. But then, I do enjoy most of my job, which I think I value more than an extra 10 grand (though both would be great...). I think I'm just physically and mentally tired at the moment and it's starting to get to me. I just have to stay on top of it, which I really think I can.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I wish I could get away somewhere. I have this overwhelming urge to see a new place. A totally different, alien place. It's not that I particularly need a holiday - I just went to an immensely beautiful area of Scotland last month. No, I want to go somewhere chaotic, foreign and new.

But, I'm about to start a PhD, need to save my holiday for when dad goes away, and need someone to go with who can afford it.

Hopefully I'll get to go somwhere in February when dad is back. Just have to sit tight until then. I suppose the up-side of waiting is that I can save up more money...

Friday, October 02, 2009

Also, was just looking through some old posts and found one about a run I went on a year or so ago. I used to really enjoy it, and oddly especially at night. However, I've found that I've stopped running over the past few months.

I tried to train for a 10k in July just gone, and found that my asthma was really a problem. Running started becoming a chore, something I had to do for a certain amount of time/distance because I had a target to reach. Well, I didn't reach it because I hadn't factored asthma attacks into my schedule, which kind of holds things back a little.

And I haven't run since. I've never been great at running, even before all this asthma stuff, but I want to start again. This time without a target - I'll go when I want to and when I feel I can. I just want to enjoy it again.

As a slight side issue - I had my first ever asthma attack when training for that 10k run. It scared the crap out of me. Up until then I'd been pretending that I didn't *really* have asthma. It didn't stop me doing anything, I just had tightness in my chest sometimes. Well that day it stopped me in my tracks, more literally than I like to remember.

I didn't think it had affected me much, but I when I went to the doctor about it, I burst into tears. I wasn't even sure why I was crying at the time and I ended up giving the doctor a reason that wasn't really true, because they obviously wanted to know why this girl was crying in their office, when all she was doing is explaining that she, an asthmatic, had had an asthma attack.

I think the reason I burst into tears was that it suddenly hit me that I was an asthmatic. That may sound weird, but seeing the reaction of the doctor, who didn't even bat an eyelid when I said I'd had an asthma attack, made me realise that this was something that I was just going to have to live with. It isn't going away anytime soon and there is only so much medication can do. Asthmatics get asthma attacks when they do activities that trigger it.

Anyway, I'm used the idea now, and I'd like to start running again. If I have to stop because of asthma then I'll stop, whether I've run for 5 minutes or 40 minutes. For me, that's just the way things are for now.
There are days when I feel like I'm starting all over again. Which may not seem so bad for someone in their mid twenties, but somehow, it does feel bad. And I know that there's nothing I can do except let time do its thing. I guess one thing I have learnt over the past few years is that there are some things that you just can't force and some things you just can't change.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Ever wanted to feel a certain way, but no matter what you do, you just can't shake the feeling you've got?

Sometimes I wish there was a way to instantly change the way you feel.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I've just realised that I've had this blog since I was 19 years old. 19! I can't believe how much I've changed and gone through in 6 years. I have a steady job, a boyfriend, considering buying a house. Am I really a grown up?!

I'm taking an evening class in political philosophy at the moment which I'm really enjoying. I have to write an essay (yay! - no really, I'm excited!) so found myself in the library tonight, taking notes. I felt like a student again - and I loved it!

Man, I'm such a geek.
Do you ever feel like everything is upside down?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I realise I haven't posted on here for quite a while now - I guess I'm just really happy at the moment and don't feel the need for this.

However, I just read this article on the BBC which I think is absolutely amazing. It's something that happens to me every month, yet it never occurred to me that I might see it some day. This might be corny, but the existence of live never ceases to amaze me :)

Friday, February 29, 2008

Been wondering lately - if you're able to swim...what's the problem with rocking the boat?

Hmmm.