Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I fell apart. Would everything else fall apart too, or would I just be another slightly broken person?

Monday, October 13, 2014

So much has has happened since I last wrote on here, and nearly all of it good. But for some reason I feel the need to come back here. Does anybody read this anymore? I doubt it, but maybe that's why I'm here.

Although I know I'm loved, at the moment I feel quite alone. I lost a lot of weight last year, which I would have done anyway, but the weight-loss was accelerated by the wedding, and I don't think I lost it slowly enough for it to be sustainable through harder times. I injured my back so that I could barely exercise in a sufficient way for months, but managed to control my weight with diet. And then the stress hit.

Jolly bhaiya died on my Indian wedding day, and while so many other people were more affected by his death on that day, it took 2 months for anyone to ask me if I was ok. I didn't even notice that no one had asked me until mum asked me on the phone, and I realised her question was too late - I was ok now, but I hadn't been. I wasn't close to Jolly bhaiya, but he was still my first cousin and it hurt. I felt guilty, sad, responsible, angry. But I didn't tell anyone these things, I just kept it in and dealt with it internally because I hate burdening people with my emotions, but I had already started turning to food to help me deal with my emotions again.

It took me a couple of months to feel 'normal' again, but by this time, I had started the final stretch of writing up my PhD. By now I was stress eating on a regular basis, was no longer cooking and had lost my habit of exercise. I was still doing activity, but no where near enough to combat the amount I was eating.

And I piled on the weight again. I handed in my PhD, and I lifted up my head to see what was going on around me. My PhD supervisor was telling me to go to the gym, and saying how he had put so much weight on when writing up his thesis. I had to put my big jeans back on now. Mum saw me in slightly baggy clothes and told me how big I looked. I saw colleagues and friends notice my extra weight - just a glance here and there, but I saw it. I saw it everytime they looked at my body because I am thinking about my body before anyone has even thought to look at it.

Putting on weight, especially weight that I had recently lost, crushed my self-esteem. What's worse, I was still stress eating, but now because I had put on weight and felt out of control. I've started to control it again and ramped up my exercise, and I was starting to feel better about myself, that it was possible to do it again.

And then, well, I asked T to spend a little more time with me. I had basically neglected him while writing up my thesis, and understandably he had filled his time with other activities. But I was back and he was still sitting on the computer with his back to me watching Breaking Bad. Things had slowed in the bedroom department (further crushing my self-esteem) and I felt like our lives were becoming too separated. I didn't bring it up in the right way and his response was defensive and accusatory. And then the words 'and I'm disappointed that you've let yourself go' came out.

And I fell apart. I couldn't handle that from him. I needed his support more than anyone, and my request to spend more time together was, I realise now, a request for help to help myself. But instead, he basically made me feel worthless. That I had let him down, myself down. I could barely hold it together, but I told him that it was a cruel thing to say. We sort of made up after that argument, but I was still hurt.

The next morning when I was doing the exercise DVD I had been trying to do every morning, I stopped halfway through. I had lost my willpower. I realised that I was no longer doing this DVD for myself, but instead I was now doing it because someone else wanted me to look good. I don't know about anyone else, but all that made me feel was 'not good enough'. I can only push myself through difficult things (this DVD is hard!) if I am doing it for myself. But I wasn't doing it for myself now, it had become about making someone else happy, even if that someone else is my husband.

T came home with flowers and an apology that day, but I can still hear him say those words and look at me in the way that he did. His apology was heartfelt, and I believe he meant it so I accepted it. But I don't feel any different. I feel like my battle to lose, what in the end is only a stone, has put me into a different social category, where I don't seem to know anyone else. I know there are weight-loss clubs out there, but it's just not my thing. Ironically I feel that if my family, friends and hubby didn't care about my weight, I would be happy and I wouldn't be overweight. But they do care, always have cared and always will care, and that is something which I haven't quite come to terms with. Maybe that's naive of me, but that's how it is. I know he supports me, but now I doubt where it comes from - if it's from a kind place of support, or from a colder place of embarrassment about having a bigger wife.

So while I come to terms with it, I feel alone. I don't know anyone else who struggles with their weight and is made to feel by their loved ones that being bigger is not ok. I know there are thousands of people out there who have this experience, but I don't know them and I am not close to them. Stupidly I'm too embarassed/un-used to being frank about my deeper emotions to my friends and colleagues, which I guess is why I have this blog.

Just writing this all down has helped, and who knows, maybe one day I'll show this to T. For now I just have to crack on with my weight loss for myself, with support or without it.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Pulled out into wakefulness
floating at the edge
of slumber's space.

The memories hang, drift round the heart
accompany the day.
Conflating of sensations and truths.

Emotions betray concocted experiences
Colouring the time without permission
New dreams, happenings, memories, tomorrow

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Am I really an adult? Already? It certainly feels like it. I'm working, doing a PhD, own a car, live with T and tend to be the one that holds it together when family stuff starts happening. And there is definitely family stuff happening right now. I'm also trying to make friends at college, but it's not so easy when everyone else lives there I and don't. That'll come in time though I hope.

I look exhausted these days. I've been doing a lot more exercise as I'm trying to lose weight (and succeeding!) and maybe I need to sleep more to compensate, but I want to spend time with T and go to the gym and cook properly and go out. The thing I miss the most is painting. I've had this urge for a while now to make a big painting - 6ft or something. Problem is, where can I do that? I guess I could do it downstairs if I didn't linger over it. Hmm, if I plan it properly, that could actually work out.

Anyway, the point is, I'm tired and feel like I'm responsible for quite a few things now. I'm actually ok with it - I don't necessarily want to be an undergraduate again (although I would say that was the best period of my life so far). I feel like I'm all grown up and almost have this grown-up life. Part of me wants the rest of it desperately, but the other part knows that once you have it, it's not easy to give it up again.

I'm rambling really - I don't have anything specific in mind when I say all this. It just occurred to me that I'm 26 and working hard for well, lets face it, very ordinary money for a Cambridge graduate. But then, I do enjoy most of my job, which I think I value more than an extra 10 grand (though both would be great...). I think I'm just physically and mentally tired at the moment and it's starting to get to me. I just have to stay on top of it, which I really think I can.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I wish I could get away somewhere. I have this overwhelming urge to see a new place. A totally different, alien place. It's not that I particularly need a holiday - I just went to an immensely beautiful area of Scotland last month. No, I want to go somewhere chaotic, foreign and new.

But, I'm about to start a PhD, need to save my holiday for when dad goes away, and need someone to go with who can afford it.

Hopefully I'll get to go somwhere in February when dad is back. Just have to sit tight until then. I suppose the up-side of waiting is that I can save up more money...

Friday, October 02, 2009

Also, was just looking through some old posts and found one about a run I went on a year or so ago. I used to really enjoy it, and oddly especially at night. However, I've found that I've stopped running over the past few months.

I tried to train for a 10k in July just gone, and found that my asthma was really a problem. Running started becoming a chore, something I had to do for a certain amount of time/distance because I had a target to reach. Well, I didn't reach it because I hadn't factored asthma attacks into my schedule, which kind of holds things back a little.

And I haven't run since. I've never been great at running, even before all this asthma stuff, but I want to start again. This time without a target - I'll go when I want to and when I feel I can. I just want to enjoy it again.

As a slight side issue - I had my first ever asthma attack when training for that 10k run. It scared the crap out of me. Up until then I'd been pretending that I didn't *really* have asthma. It didn't stop me doing anything, I just had tightness in my chest sometimes. Well that day it stopped me in my tracks, more literally than I like to remember.

I didn't think it had affected me much, but I when I went to the doctor about it, I burst into tears. I wasn't even sure why I was crying at the time and I ended up giving the doctor a reason that wasn't really true, because they obviously wanted to know why this girl was crying in their office, when all she was doing is explaining that she, an asthmatic, had had an asthma attack.

I think the reason I burst into tears was that it suddenly hit me that I was an asthmatic. That may sound weird, but seeing the reaction of the doctor, who didn't even bat an eyelid when I said I'd had an asthma attack, made me realise that this was something that I was just going to have to live with. It isn't going away anytime soon and there is only so much medication can do. Asthmatics get asthma attacks when they do activities that trigger it.

Anyway, I'm used the idea now, and I'd like to start running again. If I have to stop because of asthma then I'll stop, whether I've run for 5 minutes or 40 minutes. For me, that's just the way things are for now.
There are days when I feel like I'm starting all over again. Which may not seem so bad for someone in their mid twenties, but somehow, it does feel bad. And I know that there's nothing I can do except let time do its thing. I guess one thing I have learnt over the past few years is that there are some things that you just can't force and some things you just can't change.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Ever wanted to feel a certain way, but no matter what you do, you just can't shake the feeling you've got?

Sometimes I wish there was a way to instantly change the way you feel.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I've just realised that I've had this blog since I was 19 years old. 19! I can't believe how much I've changed and gone through in 6 years. I have a steady job, a boyfriend, considering buying a house. Am I really a grown up?!

I'm taking an evening class in political philosophy at the moment which I'm really enjoying. I have to write an essay (yay! - no really, I'm excited!) so found myself in the library tonight, taking notes. I felt like a student again - and I loved it!

Man, I'm such a geek.
Do you ever feel like everything is upside down?