Its always when I'm ill that I miss having hugs the most. I suppose its the same with everyone really.

I just passed my driving test! YAY!!!!!! :-D

I love watching whirlwinds of leaves fly round. I like how they always try and become bigger than they are, even though they never quite make it. (in my experience anyway) They always keep on, if not here, then somewhere else.

Jeez, I don't think I even make sense to myself anymore. Did that even make any sense? I feel like i'm going mad here.

I went to see Nitin Sawhney and the Britten Sinfonia last night...it was AWESOME! I've been listening to Nitin Sawhney's music since I was 17 or so, was amazing to finally see him live :)

Its so easy to lose yourself in his music; his songs often have a haunting quality about them. I think I like some of his songs because I'm able to identify with the meanings too sometimes. Homelands for example is about a feeling of isolation from coming from a different culture, something I used to feel when I was in school (primary school mostly). Its strange, don't even really think about it now unless someone asks.

I was also thinking while I was watching... it must be an amazing feeling to have composed something in your head, and know what you want it to sound like, then hear it played by an orchestra or sung by someone with the right kind of voice. He was playing his guitar on stage, the Britten sinfonia being behind him and the other soloists in line with him on stage, and I could imagine him sitting in his house playing with his guitar, imagining all the other instruments... and now there it was right behind him.

I'd love to be able to compose music :)

For most of my life, I've had people coming to talk to me about their problems, both friends and aquaintances. I've never minded this, and guessed that people must just find me easy to talk to, which I am glad about.
The problem always came when I needed or wanted to talk to people. I find it hard to tell other people my problems, my real worries or thoughts. Of course, I have a few people that I can talk to about stuff, but they are so few that I value everyone of them immensley. I don't know what it is about those people that makes me feel at ease, but I know that I need to know they're there. I convinced myself when I was younger that I didn't need any friends, that I could cope and was fine by myself. Now its one of the most painful things to feel like I've lost one.

Had to go home again this weekend. It really is like having 2 totally separate lives. My home is so far removed from Cambridge, physically and emotionally. It is nice to get away from the stress here, but its just a different kind of stress at home sometimes, but no where near as intense as here!

On a different subject, the reason for going home was to take my mum on a spa day we had bought for her aages ago. The healthclub was situated half an hour's drive from our house, in the Peak district. The view was just breathtaking. It had snowed that night and it was like driving into Switzerland. All we could see were snowy hills and the healthclub perched on one of the hillsides like a chalet. If you turned around you could see for miles, accross and beyond what I presume was Maccesfield. When we left the club it was dark, and the scene was transformed into an array of twinkling lights spread out beneath us.

Like I said, it was breathtaking. My mum seemed to enjoy herself too, even if I found the rest of the weekend a bit stressful! I think the view made it worth it though. I haven't been to the Peak district for such a long time, I'd forgotten how much I liked it there last time I went :)

I was so hopeful
For someone to know me
For someone to share their dreams
I let you in, to my strange world.

I let myself believe
I let myself go, to you
You humoured me for a while
Then you broke my heart in two.

I tolerated and understood
Maybe you did too
But it made no difference
To your disjointed heart and lips.

I kindled a secret fire
And waited for time
To provide the extra fuel
But thoughtlessly you quenched it.

I let myself believe
That you meant everything you said
I let myself go, to you
And tell you things I shouldn’t.

You humoured me for a while
Then you broke my heart in two

Experiences and mistakes are good for you, at the end, you come through them stronger....right?
Reminding myself of that helps when I'm wishing things never happenend. I don't know if everything happens for a reason, but I want to be able to make the most of my experiences, good or bad.
Its easier said than done though.

The sunset was so beautiful yesterday, I didn't manage to get a picture unfortunately though.
The clouds were pink and blue and scattered accross the sky, as if someone had delicately dragged the egde of a piece of paper accross them. Its quite hard to explain really, not sure I can do it justice.

The world is so unfair to some people. I hate seeing my friends upset, especially when you can't do anything to help them.

I found out I had primitive wrists today - how odd! hee hee. :)

ok, so I'm a total psycho. Can't believe I did that!

Its such an awful feeling when the person who's upset you, is the person you're used to going to for comfort.

Deep Blue Something - Breakfast at Tiffany's

You say that we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You'll say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
But I know you just don't care

CHORUS:
And I said what about "Breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said, "I think I remember the film,
And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it."
And I said, "Well, that's the one thing we've got."

I see you - the only one who knew me
And now your eyes see through me
I guess I was wrong
So what now? It's plain to see we're over,
And I hate when things are over -
When so much is left undone

CHORUS:
And I said what about "Breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said, "I think I remember the film,
And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it."
And I said, "Well, that's the one thing we've got."

You say that we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You'll say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
But I know you just don't care

CHORUS:
And I said what about "Breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said, "I think I remember the film,
And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it."
And I said, "Well, that's the one thing we've got."

If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances. -Julia Sorel

I'm looking forward to going home this weekend, but the house is going to be full of people I don't know, and I'm going to have to share my bedroom with a relative who is a complete stranger.
Not really what I need right now, but it'll be nice to be home anyway hopefully, just away from here.

I bought this ring today



I like it, it reminds me of the sea.

Left my soul there
down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free.

does anyone else ever wish they lived in an entirely different (better) universe sometimes?

Today I've looked at beautiful jewellery I could never afford, and even if I could would find it hard to justify spending the money on. But all the same, I like looking at it. Jewellery shops always have a kind of serentity about them, and everything is all sparkly and shiny, and everywhere you turn something glints in the corner of your eye.

I wonder what else today has in store for me. I hope its good. :-)