I am such a fool! hee hee.

I wish my room had slightly higher ceilings, I feel so closed in sometimes. Especially when there's noone else in; there's even a door that separates the 2 rooms on this floor from the rest of the house.

It is a nice, big room...certainly has an interesting layout, and a nice view....but I suppose you can't have everything

I think its just that I hate being stuck here when my family probably need me. I want to be with my grandparents right now, help them in some way. I feel guilty staying here and having fun with my friends.

I need a hug.

I have this song stuck in my head, thought it might help to write it down! It is a beautiful song when you listen to it though. It's off the Garden State soundtrack (a great movie!)

Frou Frou - Let go

Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
cant you see that all that stuffs a sideshow.
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes. I have such a good life compared to most people in the world, but sometimes I just feel so empty. Which annoys me because I know I'm not and neither is my life. Maybe empty isn't the right word, maybe its lonliness or that detached feeling I often get.

Oh I don't know, I'm fed up of whining about myself.
On a better note...
...I just went to the gym and now feel all energised.

Rarr!!! :-D

I find Albert Einstein endlessly fasciniating. I would have loved to have had a conversation with him :)

Who am I?

I am just a fleeting thought in your head.
Another entity carrying on their life
So tenuously connected to yours.

I am mind filled with dreams and despairs
Attached to a body that determines your judgement
And mine when I look in the mirror.

I am a shadow in the corner of your eye
Following the sun and its ethereal light
Wanting, yet afraid to succumb.

My great grandma died yesterday morning. She was 99 years old. It felt like a piece of my world as I knew it had just shattered before my eyes when I heard the news. I knew she was old and unwell, that it could happen anytime...but she'd been ill before and gotten better. My aunty said she had a serene look on her face, more serene than when she slept. I'm so glad about that.

My grandparent's life revolved around looking after her, I don't know what they'll do now. In a way I think it helped to make them feel young, having a specific job to do, someone else to dote over. It must be so hard for my grandfather -he hasn't been without his mother for the duration of his 80+ year life...I think the relationship had almost reversed as she got older, but it was still his mother.

I wish there was something I could do to help, something to ease their pain. But I think I'd be more in the way if I went to India, even if I could. I miss them a lot, maybe I don't tell them enough.

I think she's probably the strongest woman I have ever met. Mataji, as I called her, had such a strong spirit. Her mind was still pretty sharp for a 99 year old, even if her body was weak. We had a language barrier, in that I barely speak Hindi and she knew no English...but I loved her all the same.

I hope she finds the peace I know she wanted, wherever she is now.
Goodbye, Mataji.
xx

This is of a Thai transvestive from the National Geographic website. Thought it looked really cool!

This is one of my favourite songs :)

My Favourite Mistake - Sheryl Crow

I woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore

I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's six AM and I'm alone

Did you know when you go it's the perfect ending
To the bad day I was beginning
When you go all I know is you're my favorite mistake

Your friends act sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game

Now here comes your secret lover
She'll be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames.

Did you know when you go it's the perfect ending
To the bad day I'd gotten used to spending
When you go all I know is you're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

Well maybe nothing lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't need forever after, but it's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm holding on this way

Did you know could you tell you were the only one
That I ever loved?
Now everything's so wrong
Did you see me walking by, did it ever make you cry?
Now you're my favorite mistake
Yeah you're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

I thought I saw a mini dragon at the bottom of my cellar stairs today, one that had died though cos it was lying on its back. It was a black, like it had accidentally burnt itself. Then I thought there might have been a war between the fairies and the dragons. Then I realised I was supposed to be doing the washing.

Not entirely sure why that was my 1st thought, but I'm quite glad it was. Been feeling distinctly uncreative for months and months now. It's come back a little, but not how I used to be. Will have to wait and see I guess...

I made pizza toady. Dough is fun.

mmm, pizza :)

Shit, my mum's friend died of a heart attack last night. She found out this morning. He's left behind a wife and kid.
The world is such an unfair place to some people. Hardly anything makes sense.

I love it when books have satisfying endings :) Finished Asimov's 'Second Foundation' yesterday. You'd have to read 'Foundation' 1st (also a great book), but I recommend both.

I'm not bi-lingual (though I wish I was), but I think I'm bi-cultural - if such a thing exists.

I find it almost effortless to switch between cultures a lot of the time, depending on whom I'm talking to and where I am...despite that fact that they are completely different from each other in many respects.
Surely there are other people who feel that way?

AARRRRGHH!!

She was brought up in a different time and place, of course she's not going to understand everything. I know it can be hard to step out of the cultural box some people are brought up in. I just have to keep remembering it.

Breathe in

and out.

*sigh*

God, sometimes I just want to get out of here...go somewhere I've never been before. Preferably with someone who wants to do the same; I could do it alone like before but its nice to have the company and someone to share it all with.

But first I have to decide where and when.