Bookstalls/shops always remind me of just how little I actually know compared to the vast amount of knowledge out there. Its comforting and fustrating at the same time to know that know matter how much I learn in my life, there will always be things that I just don't know.

"I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions."
- Dorothy Day

...I've pretty much come to the same conclusion myself lately.

You know, I spend so much time thinking about things...all kinds of things. But sometimes I wonder if really understand/know myself as well as I think I do. Each new experience brings surprise reactions from myself that sometimes I just dont have a rational explanation for. And I know I'm not that irrational. Maybe. :)

There's something more satisfying about writing with blue biros that black ones. Not entirely sure why.

I lay on a wooden bench and stared up at a clear blue sky this afternoon, all be it for 5 minutes. I haven't done that for so long.
Its amazing really, you're staring up into the sky....but really, you're staring up into the universe, through our own galaxy. So much is lying out there, all the answers to all your questions. Finding or actually getting the answers is another thing however.

I was so at peace for a few minutes, i was able to forget myself, a feeling I haven't had for a while :)

I want someone to slow dance with accross my bedroom floor. To gently sway in time to the music, to close my eyes and feel safe with.

Smile - Micheal Jackson (Though others whose name I don't know have done better versions)

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

....That song always cheers me up :)

*sigh*

Feeling a bit better about stuff now, Was just in a very down mood when I posted the last ones!

I think things will be ok. :)

When someone you thought was a friend hurts you, it makes you appreciate your other friends so much more. Suddenly its clear who truly cares about you and who just pretends to.

I thought I was at home when I woke up this morning. Then I opened my eyes.
Disappoinment was the only emotion after that. It's not even as if things would be much better at home, it's better to be here so I can keep myself busy and deal with everything.

This just feels like its been such a hard month/3 weeks. I don't know how I'll react if I get another piece of bad news. I've too many emotions to deal with right now.

Just thought of this while chatting to Michele...

We were just talking about couples that can't go anywhere without each other. I was saying that if you need another person to complete you, you have to take something from them to be yourself. How can you then offer them something extra in return?

I don't really like the idea of needing someone else to complete me as a person. I think the idea of being in a relationship with someone where you complement each other, rather than complete each other is much more rewarding.

Just wanted to write it down so I remember :)

Night all xx

I just wrote and deleted a post about pretending I'm fine about things when I'm not, how I've been doing it all my life. I don't know why I deleted it.

I want to escape, fly away.

What's happening to the world? Someone's dad just died in India. That's the 3rd death i've learnt of in a month.

Sometimes I just don't want to be here. Life just seems so random and meaningless at the moment, and I can't see my opinion changing anytime soon.

I hope her family manage without him. Losing your dad at this age must be one of the hardest things a person ever has to go through. I don't think anyone deserves that kind of pain.

I feel like a greyed out version of myself today.

Apologies in advance for the upcoming rant :)

Men really can be uncaring bastards sometimes. I really don't like thinking this about anyone, never mind half the human race, but the older I get, the more I seem to be believing what I've been hearing about men!
When I experience one myself, I can put it down to my nievity/optimism/bad luck. When they start being mean to my friends, I don't like it. I know not every man is like that, but at the moment it just seems that the decent ones are either taken or hiding.

I'm aware that women aren't perfect either by the way, but well....I have no expereience of them from a relationship/man's point of view!

I guess I just don't want to settle for 2nd best, which means I'm picky, which means I don't give myself a lot of choice, which eventually drives me to rants like these! (Though it was the treatment of a friend that started this one off!)

Oh dear. Right, I'm off to do something useful with myself I think. Talk to the bench gnomes maybe. To finish I'd just like to say that I am not raving, or a feminist!

Ta-ta!

Well that was a long and interesting day. Did some dress shopping, had a long chat and saw Ocean's 12.

Doesn't sound like much written down, but it felt like it! :)

"Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in."
- Amy Lowell (1874 - 1925)

I reckon that's pretty accurate :)

It strange, I'm happy, nervous, angry and sad all at the same time, and about different things.

Jeez, no wonder I'm ill, my brain probably doesn't know what to deal with 1st!
I do seem to have this permament knot in my stomach though. I wish it would go away, it just reminds me of all my feelings again when I've managed to forget them for a while.

Oh well, i'm sure it'll all work itself out. As I read somewhere once,

"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." :)

Ps. I got the position of welfare officer at my college - YAY!

How do you know if something was worth the pain it caused you?
I wish it had never happened, I really do.