Some people can be SO FUCKING INSENSITIVE. Arrgh!!!

Is my anger coming accross at all? I thought I controlled myself pretty well though. Didn't burst into tears, didn't scream and shout, I just looked at him in disbelief. I think I was more shocked than anything else. Maybe it wasn't that big a thing to him, but it was to me.

Anyway, good thing is that it's motivated me to start karate again!! I know it's not supposed to promote violence, but it's still an excellent way of venting fustration!

(and yes, I will be imagining this guys face when I'm punching the air!)

I was on my way to a friend's house this evening, when a lady asked me for money as I was buying a ticket. Normally I say sorry and move on, but something about this woman made me stop and listen. It probably helped that she was polite (she apologised for interrupting my ticket buying and said she'd wait till I was done), then when I was done , she proceeded to say that she wasn't a beggar and she was really sorry. Something about her manner made me want to at least hear her out - so I did.

She told me she was running away from an abusive partner, she showed me the bruises on her legs, said there were more on her back and that he had knocked her tooth out. She was apologising throughout her story, saying that she had money but the guy had snapped her card. She didn't look drunk, or like she was on drugs - she just looked afraid. I was listening to her story, but more than that I couldn't stop looking at her eyes - it was genuine fear. She wanted some money to get to a hostel she was planning on staying at that night. I was considering giving her the money when she tried to give me her engagement ring (which was definitely real). At that point I'd heard and seen enough and gave her some money. Not the full amount because a) I didn't have the amount she wanted in coins and b)I still had that doubt because in the end, you are giving money to a total stranger and she was asking for more than small change.

I'll never know if she really was telling the truth, but I know what I saw in that woman's face and it was overwhelmingly fear, that I know. Maybe I shouldn't have given her the money, but I think I would have regretted it if I didn't, and well, I don't like regrets.

I went for a run yesterday. It was so liberating, running with the wind, the rain cooling me down and the ground glistening all around me. I felt really alive, and despite the fact that I was running on roads, I really felt part of nature. I was running and thinking how amazing it is, that if there is no god (which I highly suspect there isn't) then that means that we really *are* part of the earth. That we are just as natural as soil and plants and tigers and bacteria.

Then while I was having all these thoughts, a car pulled out carelessly from a driveway and almost hit me. I mean so close that if I hadn't leapt out in the same direction he was going, his bonnet would have gone through my legs (I actually had to leap out of the way 3 times because although he braked, obviously the car didn't stop immediately). It was terrifying. The guy had just driven out as fast as he pleased, despite the fact that he was coming from a place lower down than the pavement, the pavement was obscured by a shrub *and* it was dark. What an idiot.

Anyway, I got over the shock and ran on home, but it was almost funny that, just as I was thinking about how amazing humans are as an evolved creature, death - that other thing so part of life - literally almost ploughed right through me!

It's strange how hurt can switch to anger...and not even at the person that hurt you, but at yourself for letting them do it.

I am not a stressy person at all. I'm usually the one calming other people down, telling them they/we can deal with whatever the problem is. I usually believe it too. If it's a problem I can do something about, then I do that something. If I can't do anything about it then I can prepare myself for the consequences and get on with life. Maybe it's because of the household I grew up in, it doesn't matter.

The point of this post is that while I am mentally able to deal with stress ususally, I know that I do get stressed because my body shows all the signs - late periods, spots, increased difficulty in relaxing. This is normal though - I am ok with all of these things as long as I have the end in sight. One thing that seems to be new though, that is is not physical, but mental - and it's one I don't like.

I like to think of myself as a tactful person usually, able to think of how my words might be perceived by someone. Lately though, especially when writing, I feel like I'm being extremely blunt. Maybe it's because I'm pushed for time, but I don't like giving out the impression that I am rude, especially when I know it's only because of stress. Now I haven't insulted anyone or done anything particularly terrible (that I can think of...) but I suppose it's knowing that I am just communicating on a basic level, not taking into consideration things that I normally would.

Anyway, it's no biggie but just thought I'd get it out!

Smile

Ok, I just sang a song for you all to cheer myself up, but blogger doesn't want me to upload it :( It's only little blogger, please?

No?
Ok then. Think I need to sign up to a media storage site but I can't really be bothered to sign up to yet another thing I don't need!

I'm revising for exams next week (eep!) and I came accross this point which in hindsight seems obvious, but I've never really thought about before. I don't have time to go into it right now (I will later), but I wanted to get it on here so I don't forget.

It's basically saying that the things we feel really matter, only matter because we are thinking of them. If we don't think about it, then it doesn't matter.

This is kind of an extension of something called a focising effect, where when we think of something, we are only thinking of that thing -we can't hold all the information that may affect the subject in our heads, all at the same time.

I haven't had time to think through what I want to say yet, but I know I want to say something...

This song is much better when heard sung, but I love it and I'll blog it if I want to :)

"Galaxy Song", from 'The Meaning of Life' by Monty Python

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour.
Thas orbiting at ninety miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day,
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of a galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars;
It's a hundred thousand light-years side to side;
It bulges in the middle sixteen thousand light-years thick,
But out by us it's just three thousand light-years wide.
We're thirty thousand light-years from Galactic Central Point,
We go 'round every two hundred million years;
And our galaxy itself is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.


The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
In all of the directions it can whiz;
As fast as it can go, the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!