I can't believe Steve Irwin died! He was such an amazing person, I rememeber being awestruck when I saw him with the crocodiles on tv.

At least he went in an interesting way...seems kind of fitting really. It must be so hard for his wife and children though. A large part of the world will miss Steve Irwin, but no one as much as his family, I'm sure.

For those of you who don't know what I'm on about, or want to read a bit more about him, you can look here

Oh dear, I really shouldn't post late at night - just read that last one through...I do whine a lot! Oh well, good to get these things out I guess :-s

Been thinking lately....

why I am so desperate to get away from here? I love Manchester and my family, I know people here...why would I want to leave? Then I realised...loneliness hits you even harder when you're surrounded people that have known you your whole life or for a large chunk of it....and yet you still feel alone. There's so much in me that I have to share, that I want to share, but who with? I have some fantastic friends that are always there for me, and I know that...but it isn't the same. I want that someone who wants to know me as much as I want to know them; someone I can talk with and forget the time; that is interesting and fun; that I can talk to about serious things and stupid things. I want to show someone the part of me that is more than skin deep, I want to care for someone and have it returned. I've never really known what the guys I have been close to have seen in me, but there must have been something more than looks, I hope anyway.

I'm not asking for too much am I? Just a little less loneliness. I've been given some pretty good opportunities in my life so far, I'm incredibly lucky when I think about the other 6 billion people on the planet...a huge number of whom have gone through war, famine, disease and horrors I probably couldn't even imagine. I'm not ungrateful for what I have, i'm actively thankfull infact (though I don't know who to thank - God? The 'rents probably), and I feel bad sometimes for not being happy...but there are some things that a car, nice house and msn just can't give you.

I'm sure I'll find someone at some point, soon I hope. In the meantime though, I'll just have to use the permanent hole that sometimes grips me inside for the better, use it to my advantage. Somehow.

Right, I have a week off work in September - and I'm going to Ireland whether people come with me or not!! Will only be for 4 days or so probably, but If I don't do anything myself, no-one is going to magically make it happen for me!

A couple of uni friends might also be popping up north around then, so need to try and get them to tell me when they're coming up so I can look into booking things or seeing if anyone does actually want to come!

Finally, I've made plans for getting out of the country - yay!

Traa for now kiddies! x

Portishead - Glory Box

I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For Ive been a temptress too long

Just. .

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

From this time, unchained
Were all looking at a different picture
Thru this new frame of mind
A thousand flowers could bloom
Move over, and give us some room

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

So dont you stop, being a man
Just take a little look from our side when you can
Sow a little tenderness
No matter if you cry

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
Its all I wanna be is all woman

For this is the beginning of forever and ever

God I'm tired of this crash stuff now. Everyday there's a phone call from the lawyers or the insurance people, or something to fill in or something to send them.

Somebody make it go away! I just wish someone would decide whether it was my fault or his so I can deal with it and move on.

On the plus side though, will be getting a new car in the next couple of weeks hopefully.

Ok, I in no way advocate this, but I've been reading The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins, and within the 1st few pages he writes this, which I found hilarious. He's talking about how female praying mantises eat the heads of the males they copulate with...

"It might seem most sensible for her to wait until copulation is over before she starts to eat him. But the the loss of the head does not seem to throw the rest of the male's body off its sexual stride. Indeed, since the insect head is the seat of some inhibitory nerve centres, it is possible that the female improves the male's sexual performance by eating his head. If so, this is an added benefit. The primary one is that she obtains a good meal."

Hee hee!

Got a part-time job at M&S today...interview just consisted of a role play with a pretend customer, was well easy! Anyway, it should tide my over and keep me vaguely occupied while i look for full time work in a job I actually want! Wish the civil service applications opened earlier, or even more than once a year, but that's just the way life goes i guess!

Travelling seems very out of the picture right now, unless one of my friends suddenly comes into some money! I guess the world will just have to wait for me to visit them for a little longer than i'd hoped....

I've been feeling pretty down today...about lots of different things that I can't be bothered typing up. It helps sometimes, but it just isn't the same as talking.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is because I made a playlist on my computer of all the songs I have that remind me of uni...of the people there, of something I shared with someone or lots of people. Something to make me smile when I'm missing everyone. Had this playlist on when this song came into my head....I don't know why but it really made me feel better for a little while. I think it's the innocence in it, how descriptive it is of real situations. Anyway, here it is:

The Streets - Could well be in

Cuz her last relationship fucked her up.
Got hurt majorly, finds it tough to trust.
Looked at the ashtray, then looked back up,
Spinnin it away on the tabletop.
She looked much fitter than saturday just.
She worked in JD's with dan.
Back then I figured she was pretty damn rough,
But she was only wearin her work stuff.
And in these clothes she looked more than buff,
She stirred her straw, sat up to adjust.
I told her I thought it was important,
That you could get lost in conversation.
Chattin shit, sittin in, oblivion
With that person who's your special one.
She said she was the worst pool player under the sun,
But blokes go easy so she always won.

I saw this thing on ITV the other week,
Said, that if she played with her hair, she's probably keen
She's playin with her hair, well regularly,
So i reckon i could well be in.

She didn't look too bored with what I was sayin.
Her hair looked much better than the other day.
She had her fingers 'round her hair, playin'.
I Saw on the telly that's a good indication.
Stood up to buy the next drink though, "Nay."
Suppose that's just our girl's way.
Im tryin to think what else I could say,
Peelin' the label off, spinnin the ashtray.
Yeah actually, yes, she did look pretty neat.
Her perfume smelled expensive and sweet.
I felt like my hair looked a bit cheap,
Wished I'd had it cut back last week.
She kept givin me this look, cuz she would speak.
Was she only friendly, or was she a keep?
Asked her if she wanted the same again to drink.
Started to turn and get up out my seat.

I saw this thing on ITV the other week,
Said, that if she played with her hair, she's probably keen
She's playin with her hair, well regularly,
So i reckon i could well be in.

She said that her close mates all were
Always the most important thing to her.
I said I thought it was a bit more blurred.
She asked what I meant by that as she stirred.
I told her about the money and what had occurred
With it goin missing from the living room, so.
With my best mates all there standin by,
Right where I left it, under their eyes.
So surely one of them might have spied
What happened to my money at that time.
I felt like they were all smilin on the side.
She was like "fair play" she couldn't say why.
She didn't know what all my mates were like.
And I said she just might be right.
Wish I had someone I could always rely,
Someone to get lost chattin to all night.

I saw this thing on ITV the other week,
Said, that if she played with her hair, she's probably keen
She's playin with her hair, well regularly,
So i reckon i could well be in.

As I walked back with more drinks to our place,
She had her phone stuck to the side of her face.
I sat for a minute while she chatted away
'bout somethin with her mom and her birthday.
Played for a bit with the same ashtray,
Thought about things while i sat and waited.
It was nice to chat about the shit in my head,
Someone who just listens to you instead.
I looked at the barman, wiping down again,
Looked at the football on the tv set,
Tryin to look like i weren't just waitin there
For her conversation to come to an end.
I look at my watch and realized right then
That, for three hours, been in conversation.
Before she put her phone down, she switched to silent,
And we carried on chattin for more than that again.

I saw this thing on ITV the other week,
Said, that if she played with her hair, she's probably keen
She's playin with her hair, well regularly,
So i reckon i could well be in.

I'm tired of waiting for my life to start...but wide awake at this moment of time. Just can't sleep, keep thinking about earlier.

Ps. Also been thinking lately...people say things to me all the time, nice and kind things, but for some reason I only really start to believe people when they act on what they say...when the behaviour matches the words. It's through experience I guess but I don't want to become cynical.

Just wanted to note that for myself. I'm not a naturally cynical person and I don't want to be...need to make a conscious effort to be otherwise. Somehow....