Went down to London yesterday to look at the foreign and commonwealth office careers open day. It actually looked really interesting - everyone I spoke to seem to be happy where they were, and the one person who wasn't completely happy in the job they were currently doing, they didn't want to leave the FCO. Main appeal is that you get to help people out and travel! I'm going to apply when the faststream open in september...then we'll have to wait and see!!

On the journey back up here, I was chatting to the guy opposite (well, he was chatting to me more, but it amounts to the same thing!) He was about 40 and had had so many different jobs...he'd been in the navy, been a paramedic, done a business studies degree, been a PA and was now a professional diver- what an awesome job! But what struck me most was how content he seemed. He had a partner, a daughter, was doing something he enjoyed for a living...and while he wasn't loaded, he gave the impression he had enough to be pretty comfortable with. He really opened up to me as well, which was heartwarming (apparently he told me some stuff about his paarmedic job that he hadn't really talked about much before, I'm starting to think I must just have a 'tell me your life story and problems face'!).

This guy really made me think. In 20 years time, I want to have travelled, done the things in my life that I really want to do...I want to give off that air of contentment that this man had.

Funny thing is, I never even found out his name :)

Ok, I have been set up on a blind date...with a pilot no less! Just emailed so far, lets see if he actually wants to meet me - I'm kind of neutral to the whole thing personally, seeing as all I know about him is that his family may be scarily traditional (indian), he's 23 and a pilot!

I seem to be incredibly busy despite not having a job, I've turned into an unmarried housewife! Looking after family and the house...I don't mind it for a little while though cos it's good to see them. My massage 'skills' are also being put into use on my aunty and her strange aches and pains!

I'll leave it there for now I think. Saw superman on Imax yesterday - I recommend it! 3D wasn't that spectacular but it was awesome on imax generally.

Ok, this is weird. I've recently had 2 gradutaion dreams....both involving me either missing it or it going wrong.

The thing is though, I've already graduated.

What is my problem? I'm worried about jobs I guess; haven't found any part-time work yet (think I just need to be less picky and maybe look more, would help if people returned calls and replied to emails though!), in the process of applying for full time jobs, but so far they've all been in London and my parents want me to stay in Manchester. It would save a lot of money I guess, but I just haven't seen any jobs here that appeal or that I can make a career out of.

Also want to go travelling, but there is very little prospect of that so far, unless I go alone which I don't want to do again. The more I think about it, the more I want to go to South America...if it doesn't happen with my uni friends, I doubt it will happen with my home friends...though maybe I can go somewhere else with them.

All I can do is wait really.

At home now, have graduated and I'm sitting on the edge of the rest of my life. Problem is, I feel restless. I want to get a decent job, but at the same time I want to be a free spirit! and they rarely have settled, decently paid jobs! But while for a day or so I was thinking of doing whatever takes my fancy as the time comes, on thinking it through more....a proper job fits in better with my long term goals....I can be a free spirit in my spare time! Though I need to make sure I do make time for the things I really enjoy. During part of my uni life, I really forgot myself, and not in a good way. I didn't have fun in the way I always do, spent too much time thinking and not enough doing - something which I do too much.

Anyhoo, recognising the problem is a big step right :D Unrelated, but been looking through some of my old artwork from GCSE/A level...some of it really is SHITE! Think I might re-do some of them to my (seemingly) improved standards!

Apart from that, life as usual at home. Grandparents are here which is cool, though slightly restricting (i can deal with that for a little while though cos it's nice to see them). A million errands to run, but it keeps me busy which is good. Job hunting and looking at travel stuff - I WANT TO GET AWAY!! i miss seeing new places, challenging myself to cope with exciting new situations! Possibly going to South America with some friends from uni, would be awesome if that works out!

That's all for now folks. Over and out.

Well it's been a while, and lots and lots of things have happened, but in summary:

Good news: I got a 2:1 (yay!)
Bad news: I didn't get my Mphil :( But I found that out a while ago so I'm used to that idea now, though it was quite gutting at first.

Main bad thing is that for some reason I feel like my self-esteem has taken a few knocks lately. I feel like I'm hypersensitive, the smallest comments are affecting me. Someone asked me how I was feeling the other day and the first thing that came to my mind was alone (clearly didn't say this outloud though!). I don't like myself like this, and I'm going to change it...I have plenty of people here for me, but I feel like there's something missing, someone. I miss hanging out with a person that catches your eye accross the room when a joke is made, that notices that you're not there when you leave. Obviously I have friends, good friends, and it's not like this never happens...but I guess the people I used to have this with also have other people that they do this with now ie boyfriends/girlfriends.

Jeez, I'm just whining. There is so much good stuff in my life and I'm a lot luckier than the majority of people - I don't really have much to complain about.

I just want that intimate connection with someone. I just need to make sure I look for it with someone that wants it with me too.

Here's a temporary background for now - colours don't quite match yet, but will make them do so when I have time! xx

ps. Just changed my age at the side
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That's so weird, 21 felt adult, but 22!! I feel almost old now...and wiser? Hmm, if only!

Well, been busy revising/dissertating lately, which so far is going ok! Inbewtween all that though, I got thinking...

Lots of people I know seemed to have idols when they were growing up. People they aspired to be like, people who inspired them to do better, to improve at the things they wanted to do. Most people I know also had some sort of infatuation with a famous person, be it Leonardo di Caprio or the Backstreet boys or a football team.

I never did that. I don't know why, but I was never completely and utterly in awe of a person, so much that I wanted to know everything about them, mimic their drive to better myself. Obviously there were famous people I liked, but never to the same extent as my other friends it seems. Thinking about it, maybe I did take inspiration from famous people, just not only one...I used to (still do sometimes) study famous people's paintings, copy them and try and see how they did it. While I suppose this is what I described, and obviously there were some that I liked more than others, I never had one that I fixated on completely, not for any length of time anyway.

There are good and bad things about this I suppose: The good side is that despite this, I did push myself in some areas. The bad side? I could have done more. If I had someone specific to follow, see whay they had done, would I have worked harder? I don't know. Like a lot of people, I admire my parents and how hard they work, especially my dad who came to this country like any other doctor that does and has done so well for himself. Though I suppose he would have done no matter where he was. Watching them when I was growing up did make me work harder, but still, as much as I love and respect my parents, I just don't think I'd use the word 'idolise'.

In fact, I probably don't really like the word. The reason I never really had an idol was because I could see and was aware that nobody is perfect. When my friends were obsessing over these people, it seemed like they couldn't see the things they'd done wrong. I suppose I figured that if you follow one person completely, not only would you end up with their success (if you're talented enough I assume!), but also their failures. It's not a given obviously, but I suppose one is just as likely as the other. I think I just prefer to make my own mistakes and follow my own pattern of things. Obviously its useful to have a formula or a pattern to follow, because that's how many people in the world work, but....I'm stubbornly independent at times. Foolish maybe, I know :)

Saying all this though, as I've got older, I have started to admire people more and more. I suppose I'm realising how hard it can be sometimes, how hard you have to work to really stand out from all the other hardworking people around you. I admire people like Albert Einstein for example, for his ideas and intelligence, along with many other people.
Still no idolisation, but one step closer...?

I feel....blank.

ok, BORED of talking and thinking about feelings now, instead I wanna talk about my trip to JAPAN!

It was an awesome trip. Spent the first couple of days in Tokyo, which is a huge, modern city, but increadibly clean, neat and organised. Saw a few sights there then took a tour to Hakone and Mt Fuji. It really was a a stunning view and they drove us up to the 5th station, half way up the mountain, as I said it was beautiful. From there we went to Kyoto and spent about 4 days there. Kyoto is a fantatic city, modern but incredibly cultural and ancient at the same time. There are about 200 temples and shrines alone! Obviously there's only so many temples you can look at though! Saw some of the most impressive, walked around a bit, shopped a bit, saw and did a few other things (including where the Shogun used to live a couple of hundred years ago, and how they detcted assassins and how his harem were trained in martial arts to protect him).

It was the cherry blossom season too making it all extra pretty. The people were so friendly, which really helped when you could hardly understand anything written down around you! Though there was a surprising amount of English on the trains and public transport systems, even though it seemed very few people actually spoke it.
It's also a very safe place, having a really low crime rate, so you don't feel to weary about flashing you camera about which is always good. Actually, speaking of technology - there is SO much cool stuff there! Bullet trains, self-flushing loos, loos with heated toilet seats, self-rotating train seats so they all face the direction the train is going, the cameras, phones. Oh, there are also vending machines EVERYWHERE. Especially in Tokyo, temple, shrine, random street...and it's almost all drinks. Rarely do you see chocolate or food machines. Ah, food. We had a few problems as my mum is veggie and everything there haas meat or fish in, but when we did get some real japanese food, it was actually really nice. Often there was quite a lot of small dishes, but it was rarely too much.

All in all, it was a great holiday :) Quite tired now, but it's to be expected! Will try and put a few photos on here when I get the chance. Back to uni on tuesday...life goes on....

ps. The photos on my page have all been lost because STOOPID WALAGATA closed their free accounts and neglected to imform me, so I wasn't able to transfer them. Hopefully I still have them on a computer somewhere, otherwise I guess it's time for a change of background!

xx