Some days I just want to sit in my house on my own and hideaway for a little while.

Then I want to come back as if nothing had happened :) 

Self destruct mode: on.

Why do I do this? I binge eat, let myself get dehydrated, watch TV instead of exercising. It's almost to see how bad I can physically feel without actually causing myself harm.

I get this way sometimes. I feel like everything is pointless and all my goals are too hard (they're not, I think). If it ever lasted more than a week I'd say it was depression (runs in my immediate family). I'm sure I do have those tendencies to some degree (don't we all), but I feel like this behaviour is something I can snap out of. That just isn't the case with depression.

I did the obvious thing these days and googled self destructive behaviour. A psychology website suggested it is common in people who feel emotions strongly (often are creative people) - tick, combined with negative experiences in childhood and having a role model who uses destructive behaviours to help through emotions - tick. I've never seen anyone deal with negative emotions without turning to food or lashing out at others.

Apparently using mindfulness techniques to acknowledge your emotions (good and bad) can help, rather than burying your emotions in food /Netflix. I think I need to look up a good way to go about this, because I'm not sure I can do it without some kind of plan.

The other question is why I feel these negative emotions on the first place. It's like I'm afraid to succeed - in weight loss and in my career. But, why? I have no clue. Some more reading and thinking for me to do it seems.