This struck me when I saw this in a shop the other day:

"There is no way to peace, peace is the way"

If only we could all remember that.

Where to begin?

I've actually forgotten most of the stuff I wanted to write about (see last post), but one thing I do remember from a month ago:

As part of my course, I often end up analysing or at least thinking about the basics of human nature, why we act how we do etc. Somehow I got thinking about territoriality, how it runs through our whole lives.

Starting from individual people - everyone has their own idea of personal space that generally they don't like being invaded. 'This much area around me is mine'. It's our own piece of territory that we carry around with us.

Next we can go to our homes. Inside our homes, most of us have our own bedroom that we make ours, or at least our own bed and space around it. The house itself has boundaries, that either stop at the front door if its an apartment, or extend to the garden or driveway for a house. If anyone intrudes into the building without our permission, we feel uneasy, even violated.

Beyond this, we have streets and neighbourhoods and villages and towns. While we may not defend them as fiercely (through practicallity maybe?), we consider them as our home turf, our shared territory. This even extends into north and south (when considering England anyway).

Even above this level though is the fiece protection of countries. The existence of countries at all shows how territorial we are. Countries after all, when it comes down to it, are just lines drawn on a map. These boundaries on the ground are patrolled and monitored...just incase someone we don't want tries to get in. Thousands of wars and battles have been fought over territory - the more territory you have, the more people and resources you have under your control, the more power you have.

Buzz Aldrin (and one of the 'Space Cadets' on channel 4's latest reality TV show) said that the earth looked so peaceful from space, it was hard to imagine any wars going on down there. I guess from space the continents just look like giant landmasses, all merging into one another or into the sea, with the view being interuppted by swirling clouds. I guess it all seems kind of pointless from up there, squabbling over who can and can't come into this bit of land, and who's patch of land it is.



Don't get me wrong, I think a degree of territorialism is neccessary - I am human after all, but I think perspective is needed sometimes.

Had quite a few things I've wanted to put on here lately, but just haven't got round to it. I want to write them properly though so I won't do it now...basically a long winded way of saying I'm still here! (Probably to no-one, but just in case it's not just me reading this!)

Why do people say things they don't mean? All it does is hurt people.

This is a repetition of what I've said before, but I just found someone who agrees and said it much more concisely :)

"It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them."
-Isabel Colegate

I was reminded of this in a lecture yesterday - does anyone else think it's amazing that elephants can swim? and not only that, swim accross oceans?

This woman did such a simple but brave thing. It impressed me when I learnt about it in history a-level, and it seems it still does. I'm glad her funeral was a celebration and not a sad event - it appears fitting in my mind.
Also - as a side note - hearing Arethra Franklin in that setting must have been incredible.

It's not really important now, obviously Rosa Parks was the important one in this, but does anyone ever wonder what happened to the man she refused to give up her seat to? If he's alive, I wonder how he feels about the whole thing. Was he racist, or was he just a product of his society? taking advantage of the rules that favoured him (not that that makes it better). Did he or would he have attended her funeral?

As I say, it's kind of irrelevant now, but it would be interesting to know.

wanted to say this eariler but blogger wouldn't let me!

Basically - am feeling a lot better now :) Not sure what changed, but it did so i'm happy!

I miss him. I miss having a close male friend, that I can talk to anytime and go shopping with and see movies with, and who wants to do the same with me.

The feeling comes and goes, but everytime I see him I realise that I don't can't call him my best friend anymore, and that hurts. I have plenty of friends, and some of them are close ones...but it's not the same.

I think I might watch a funny movie before I go to bed, cheer myself up.

Have now started 3rd year of uni. In an amazing house, it's absolutely huge, with 3 kitchens, 8 bathrooms and 15 people living here. I've finally got a decent kitchen so can do some real cooking now. My room is also unbelievably big. Have settled into it quite nicely though and am generally having a good time :) Only real stress is work which is such a change from last year, I really appreciate my mental peace now.

Have been having lots of random thoughts as ever, but somehow haven't managed to keep them in my head long enough to write them down. I dunno, sometimes it's nice to just let a thought wash over you instead of capturing it in writing. Once you write it down it's bound by your words, somehow it makes me stop thinking about the topic as much once I've written it down - sometimes that's good, sometimes bad, but recently I've decided to just go with the flow and not over analyse.

I think keeping peace of mind is going to be one of my focuses for this term.

I just found this in my drafts section - wrote it a long time ago. I don't think it's finished, but thought I'd give it to you in it's raw form anyway. Be warned, it's cheesy...

A Perfect World:

would allow people to follow their dreams, no matter what their financial situation
would not have people judging each other
would have no religion, but a god that really is good and who does not demand worship.
would have everyone on earth able to have access to the basics of living.
would have people that do not feel the need to destroy.
probably would not have people.

Simon and Garfunkel - I am a Rock

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

Been so long! Starting to get lazy with posting now. Helped out with my mum's Indian Independance day function a few days after the last post, but it's not really worth going into so.....

I'll start with Scotland: Went there at the end of August with my cousins. We saw the Edinburgh festival on the 1st day, and stayed in a youth hostel with a beautiful sea view.



Went on a frickin' scary ghost tour at night after seeing a random play and a few street shows. The next morning we hired a car and drove to Balloch in the Trossachs. Our youth hostel was like an old castle on the edge of a loch and was surrounded by forests and fields - it was incredibly beautiful.



After looking around the local area and loch lomond,the next day we drove up to another few lochs and Inverary, where we got lunch and proceeded to drive back to Edinburgh taking a different, more scenic route, including a car ferry. We ended up getting stranded on the car ferry for an hour (should have been a 15 minute journey) because the pier on the other side had collapsed after a storm the night before. The views were beautiful though and there was a full rainbow accross the loch for us to admire while we waited.



That was all very exciting, but meant we had to pay extra to return our car at a different place in Edinburgh and had to catch a train that got us home at 3am! Anyway, the scenery of that place was stunning, I'd love to go walking there properly one day I think.

Since then...I've driven down to Chester and back to secretly get my dad's birthday present, which was a model ship. He liked it which is always good! My aunty left for India a couple of days ago and our bathroom has been ripped apart because we have wet rot and we're having the whole bathroom replaced. Also just got a new radio cd player for my car :D

That's mostly it really. Oh, one more thing. We sent the mobile phone I was using last summer to my grandad in India with my aunty, and discovered I still had a load of old messages on there. It was strange reading through and deleting all those messages, thinking how much my relationships with people had changed in just one year. I won't go into the detail of them on here, but well, lets just say that it's funny how quickly things can change :)

Haven't written on here for a while again, busy with other things I guess :) My family went up to scotland the other week for a few days. Mum and I stayed back and I met them in Edinburgh for the day. The journey there was stunning, I was so sleepy but didn't want to shut my eyes...it's not everyday you take a train through the lake district. Anyway, Edinburgh was lovely, and my cousins and I have decided to go back for a few days later this month. We're also going to see The Trossachs, a beautiful area of Scotland.

Apart from that, been painting and drawing a lot, and buying a new car :D. I am now £1000 down (my dad changed his mind and asked me to contribute - fair enough really) and one 2nd hand Honda Civic up. Here she is:

Well there goes the Mazda. Sold it yesterday afternoon and am now car-less. Was kinda sad to see it go, we've had that car since I was 5 years old...but all good things must come to an end and my dad had the final say!

It doesn't bother me too much not having a car since I'm perfectly used to good ol' public transport and secretly quite like it sometimes, but my dad is thinking of getting another car within the next week - yay! (2nd hand). Not entirely sure what I've done to deserve having a car bought for me, but I'm not going to protest! He basically wants one that won't need maintaining like the mazda did, so we'll see what I end up with....

howdi all, whoever you may be.

Well now that's out of the was I'll get on with the post. I went down to the south west last week for my cousin's graduation from Exeter. The ceremony was really nice, and the undergrad accommodation we stayed in was hotel-like with amazing views (it is the 2nd highest building in Exeter) The town itself is really nice too. Also had dinner with my brother in Bristol after some shannagins with the hotel and the rooms and things, then spent the next day in Bath, a beautiful city; was good to talk to Rahul for a bit. Also saw Tom in Taunton since it was on my way to Bristol from Exeter...was good to see a uni friend and someone other than my family! (not that I mind seeing my family, just good to see other people!!)
I might have said this before, but the south-west really is beautiful. From what I've seen anyway, Bristol is an interesting and pretty city, Exeter has a certain charm and is similar to Taunton (though a little nicer). The countryside there is also lovely and there's lots of it! I think if I was to settle somewhere other than the north west, the south west might be it; in a village in the countryside or something :)

Speaking of countryside, also saw some of our lovely northern stuff too the other day. Me and my dad drove our family (minus mum) to Chatsworth Hall, a stately home, in Derbyshire...we need 2 cars cos there are 6 of us. It took about an hour and a half, and although I was driving I could see that the views were stunning.

All in all been quite nice :) Ok, gotta go...dog walking time!

I just want to meet someone else. I've got people constantly talking about marriage and my looks and all things to do with that stuff at the moment. I have my own expectations of where I want to be at certain times in my life. Maybe it'll happen when I think it will, maybe it won't...but it makes it easier to be optimistic when there's at least someone who might be feasible around. I'm just lonely I guess; I'm after someone to make me laugh and feel good about myself. Somone I can share with who wants to listen and who I want to talk to.

Back to that again.

Remember me - The Zutons

Well we used to be the best of friends
And we used to hang around
Now I always see you and your new girlfriend
On the sunny side of town
Oh your body is the same and your face ain't changed
But your mind ain't where it's at
You're too busy hugging and a-kissing now
And for you that can't be bad

But I've made a deal with the clouds
Gonna turn that sun into rain
So you forget about your love
Come and see me again

Oh remember me I'm your best friend
And we don't talk no more
So if you're in the neighbourhood
Don't forget to knock on my door

Cause I've got to keep the feeling, keep the feeling in
Gotta keep the feeling, keep the feeling in
Gotta keep the feeling, keep the feeling in
Gotta keep the feeling, keep the feeling in

Now I stand upon your path
And I'm shouting up to you
Won't you come and give me a minute now
There's a message here for you

Me and a couple of old school friends
We're going out to drink
You can come along but leave your girl at home
It'll give you time to think

But you called at the last minute
Said that you were staying in
Well this is not a joke old friend
I'm a-getting sick of this

Oh remember me when she leaves you
And you come and knock on my door
Well I can nurse your broken heart
Cause that's what friends are for

Cause I've got to keep the feeling, keep the feeling in
Gotta keep the feeling, keep the feeling in
Gotta keep the feeling, keep the feeling in
Gotta keep the feeling, keep the feeling in

This was taken in May in the Cambridge Botanical gardens.

My aunty and uncle are here from india at the moment. As I said in my last post, it's really good to see them again. My aunty and I were just chatting the other day, and she was telling me all about when my great grandma died. How my grandad reacted, what his sisters said, what mataji had wanted. I wanted to know all this stuff because my dad didn't really want to talk about it and so I didn't get to know about all the little things that happened. At the same time though it was hard to listen too, because it reminded me that I wasn't there, that I hadn't seen her for almost 2 years before she died.
My aunty also said that she didn't think my grandma had much time left, and that she was deterioating a lot. I hope she holds out until December. I want to see her at least once, need too. It's hard to imagine her not being around; at least my great grandma and grandad were in their 90's...it wasn't so unexpected, but I'm so much closer to her.

Anyway, I don't want to think about it too much. On a lighter note, my cousin is graduating next week which is great for him, and means we get a little trip down to exter. Also, I went swimming the other day...was so nice, I don't know why but I find it so relaxing. Also considering taking up yoga or meditation again. Yoga would probably be better, but it's finding the time. I guess I could just make time though... :)

Well it's been a while since my last post. Had a brilliant mayweek (i know it's in june, but it's just of those Cambridge things I guess), nothing to really complain about there :) I do miss my uni friends.

Got home to find my house was a mess, couldn't even sleep in my own room on the 1st night and have only just been able to unpack my suitcase into my wardrobe. My beautiful stars that I spent so long putting on my ceiling were taken down and the ceiling painted over in my absence. Apparently the ceiling was dirty so it had to be painted. I didn't see it myself, but I suspect wiping it with a damp cloth may have cleaned it seeing as it wasn't so dirty as to not look white anymore. Can't see much difference myself. The skirting board had also been painted over in white...which looked ok, but i always really liked the shade of blue it had been. I managed to win that one and get it painted blue again, though the top railing has been left white (yes, i'm capabale of compromise ;))
The furniture in my room has also been moved around. My room looks a lot bigger now and the desk is at the window which is where I always wanted it in the first place. As ever, my mother has provided me with another box to put things in, this one might actually be useful though for once!

That's all the news about my house and room really. My aunty and uncle from India are coming on Monday with my cousin. Will be good to see them again, it's been over 2 years now. I miss my family in India a lot, it's something I wish I didn't have to get used to but that's life I guess. One thing I don't miss however is their judgemental attitude to looks sometimes. I'm not prepared for a running commentary on how much weight I've put on or anything to that effect. If they start, I'm ignoring it. I refuse to let it upset or affect me, I know what I look like, what I want to look like and what I can live with. Just need to keep that in mind. But like I say, it will be good to see them again.

What else? Mostly been wondering how I can get myself travelling or generally do something useful. I don't want to spend my summer at home, I want to see something or somewhere I've never seen before, even if it's only in England. Hopefully will get to see some of Cornwall this summer when my cousin graduates. Also my brother just got a job in Taunton so I'll be more likely to see that part of England for the next year hopefully.

ok, i think that will do for now. Might get back to my book. Have a long list of things I want to read this summer! Traa for now x

I got a 2:1

YAY! :)

I just found the rose garden in my college. I always knew we had one, and had a vague idea of where it might be, but today was the 1st time I've been in.
It was quiet and beautiful. There was a rectangular pond with a broken fountain in it, meaning the water had gone green and murky, but even in there a lotus flower had grown and bloomed. There were archways of roses, cast iron gates and high stone walls covered in climbers. I felt like I was in the secret garden.

We also went into a staircase that looked like it had been part of a house at some point in the past. It was so still inside, with large empty corridors and old door frames; slightly faded decor like no one saw the point in re-doing an old place like that. We found a window and stared out, discovering it looked out onto the master's garden and was ajoined to his house, we could even see in some of the windows and the grand tables and interior. It was like being transported back 100 years, we think that staircase was probably the servants quarters when they had full time servants. Someone then started playing classical music on the piano in the music room there...definitely added to the atmosphere :)

C'mere by Interpol

It's way too late to be this locked inside ourselves
The trouble is that you're in love with someone else
It should be me. Oh, it should be me
Your sacred parts, your getaways
You come along on summer days
Tenderly, tastefully

And so may, we make time
Try to find somebody else
This place is mine

You said today, you know exactly how I feel
I had my doubts little girl
I'm in love with something real
It could be me, that's changing

And so may, we make time
To try and find somebody else
Who has a line

Now seasoned with health
Two lovers walk on lakeside mile
Try pleasing with stealth, rodeo
See what stands long ending fast

Oh, how I love you in the evenings
When we are sleeping
We are sleeping. Oh, we are sleeping

And so may, we make time
We try to find somebody else
Who has a line

Now seasoned with health
Two lovers walk a lakeside mile
Try pleasing with stealth, rodeo
See what stands long, oh ending fast

aahh. :)

I love this feeling of freedom. I can do almost anything I want with my time right now, and I don't have to feel bad. It's such a release. I get my results next Friday...will be even more relaxed once I've got that out of the way!

It's a peaceful summer evening and I have nothing in particular to do :)

Shit. Just completely and untterly bollocksed up my last exam. As in either couldn't do or messed up almost all the questions. I think I just wasted all that hard work I've been doing all year and this term. I'm probably going to end up with the same or a lower mark than last year, despite working twice as hard.

The other exams have gone ok though. At least it's done now, but don't really know what to do with myself.

I think I'm going to be happy.
There we go :)

I just randomly remembered what I wanted to do when I was a kid. I wanted to be an illustrator for books.

Can't believe I forgot about that. Maybe I could do it part time. Do they let you do that kind of thing part time, could I even do it?

hmm, I wonder.

I love being outside. I know I've probably said this a thousand times before, but the earth is such a beautiflul place; full of pink-orange sunsets and gentle summer rain that makes my hair go wavy.

:)

This made me laugh :)

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
-George Burns

That must be an amazing feeling.

Just thought of something else though...where did they land?!

I had a dream last night that my grandma died. But this time I think it was my grandma that died before I was born. I can't remember properly but it really unnerved me. That's the 2nd dream I've had recently that has involved death. I've already lost so many people this year, these dreams really scare me. 2 close members of my family died within 3 months of one another, at the end of last year I lost a relationship that meant quite a lot to me, and recently I've realised that I've probably lost another, or at least am losing. Maybe the 1st one was my fault, I don't know...but this one isn't in my opinion.

Good things have happened too, I got welfare officer at my college and i've made some great new friends, but it makes it harder to focus on the good stuff when i'm having fucking scary dreams like this.

Maybe I'm just stressed about my exams. My period is really late which happened this time last year.

Are you reading this?

I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend of mine the other day...made me think of this:

Falling for someone hurts a lot if they're not there to catch you.

I liked the way it sounded (yes, I'm being big headed!)

:)

It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into.
-Jonathan Swift

Unfortunately, I think that's sometimes true.

I just had an urge to roller blade. I can't even remember when I last did that. I was always a bit unsteady on them, but maybe I'll dig them out and have another go this holiday :)

I had a nightmare last night that my dad died of a heart attack...but he wasn't at home, he'd gone away on one of his trips. I remember trying to convince myself that he was just on a really long trip; that he hadn't gone. I can't remember if I actually cried in my dream, but there was this feeling of overwhelming, oppressive sadness. I couldn't escape it wherever I went, I felt like I was being pushed downwards by it, like my lungs were too heavy. It was such a powerful dream, I woke up and for a second I thought it was true because that overbearing sadness followed me into conciousness. Of course it isn't true, and I don't really feel like that, but the feeling in the dream was so vivid, it shook me a little.

Do you ever feel kind of blank? Not depressed necessarily, but like it all seems a bit pointless and you're just working on autopilot.

"Do not judge men by mere appearances; for the light laughter that bubbles on the lip often mantles over the depths of sadness, and the serious look may be the sober veil that covers a divine peace and joy."

-E. H. Chapin

Just to add to the whole, 'what I'm looking for in life' rant earlier......I want, maybe even need someone who makes me laugh, who can really cheer my up or make me happier than I'm already feeling. Just wanted to add that.

Laughter, honesty and kindness are all really important qualities for me.

I'm going to resist adding more and more things to that list...it could go on for a long time, but I don't think my perfect man exists...I reckon things are far more likely to happen and go further if you keep an open mind. (I'm still picky though!)

Over and out ;-)

Ok, I think it's all been far too serious lately. Here's something that amuses me everytime I see it:



Yes, that's right. It's a birds eye view of a factory with my name on it! :D It's from this website. Enjoy.

Right, feeling a bit better now! Just needed to write it down and dwell on it for a bit...which I've now done! My moods do seem to go up and down, but I guess life is like that :) I'm healthy and have wonderful friends, which is more than a lot of people have!

Optimistic Prachi returns.

I can feel myself building up those walls again, that I so foolishly let someone break through by showing them my weak areas. The disadvantage of these walls is that I feel more detatched from everything, people. The advantage is that I can manage by myself, in my self-sufficient world. I can deal with feeling alone better, because by building up walls it becomes my normality.

When lonliness is normal, you stop thinking about it. It's just how your life is for now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm performing for the world around me. I laugh and I make jokes, becuase if I don't people start thinking there's something wrong. Soemtimes there is, sometimes there isn't, but generally if I want to talk about it I will. However, I've spent the better part of my life observing people. I was intensly shy until about 16 years...observing was something I came to like and be good at. Just because I'm more confident now, and actively join in conversations, doesn't mean I don't want to just be quiet and watch sometimes...although I do appreciate that people care.

Basically I wish I didn't feel the need to pretend to appear constantly happy. I'm not constantly happy..is anyone? Its tiring, and in the end, just makes me feel more lonely because at the end of the day, I don't have that close person with whom I feel I can share these things. I know my friends are there for me, but I guess I've always felt like they don't need to listen to my problems more than they already do.

I don't know, rant over.

Events just seem like details in a blur
and you collect your tears in a jar for your friends.
You're tired of your dreams and of hearing the truth
closing your eyes to a velvet black
and opening them to a created reality.

Sometimes you can't dig your nails in deep enough
Sorrow and solitude come your way, hand in hand
Offering you their tears to drown in.
A familiar but dangerous friendship

This is cheesy, but I like it:

"The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity."

-Francis Maitland Balfour

I was thinking the other day about what it is that makes me post on this blog regularly. Who am I talking to? It started off 2 years ago, as somewhere to put all the random thoughts I have (I have quite a lot!) Somewhere to put down/witness all those things I think of, that would just sound too random to say to a friend or another person.

It still serves that purpose for me now, as well as the added bonus of being a good way to keep people updated on your life. However, it occurred to me recently, I think I use this space as a replacement for someone to listen to me. I have friends, that I talk about very random stuff with, but this is the little things, that aren't worth mentioning off hand unless its to a person who wants to know you inside out.

I want someone to want that. To meet me and want to know more, not to get to know a bit then get bored or decide it's not worth it. Importantly, I want to feel the same about that person. I want to meet someone that I find fascinating, that I can't figure out after a few converstaions and want to know more. I want someone to care about about, to love. And to have that in return.

Until then though, I'll keep posting here...as a witness to myself. I saw 'Shall we dance' over the easter holidays. There was a line in it, that said "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness."

I'm not saying I want to get married just yet....but that's what I'm after I think. A witness that cares, and that I can give back to.

Wow, that was one of the nicest birthday celebrations I've ever had! Went out for a lovely meal with all my close friends, then went for drinks after with them and some more. Obviously, they got me quite drunk (damn Cambridge and it's pennying!). Today we broke open the champagne Chris and Cat got me, and were very posh with our ferore roche at the same time :) Also got some beautiful presents, I love my friends here so much! Don't know how many of them read this, but you're really appreaciated if you are reading this :)

ps. eep, just changed the thing at the side to 21..i'm so old!

Well, it wasn't the most exciting birthday I've ever had, but it was still nice. A few people forgot or got the wrong day, but I still got loads of texts and calls so I guess it's ok :) Started the morning by picking up my parents from the airport (they had just come back from India), spent the rest of the morning talking and looking at the things they'd bought. Afternoon was fairly uneventful, apart from all the lovely texts/calls I got! Then did the obligitory taking the dogs out cos my parents were too tired, then a luurvely dinner with my family. My brother and cousin came up all the way from the south-west which was so nice of them. The food was absolutely gorgeous, but quite expensive...think it was worth it though. Got home, everyone was tired or jet-lagged so they all went to bed. I chatted on the net for a bit then fell asleep....possibly slightly tipsy from the meal :)

All in all, it was quite nice :) Going out on Tuesday with my uni friends, hopefully that should be fun too!

wow, feels like a hell of a lot has happened since my last birthday :)

arrgh! F***ING PERIODS! What did women do to deserve such pain?!
(sorry, really needed to get that out!)

*deep breath*

Ok, time to stop whining and procrastinating now.

I hate being here when all my family are together in India. It's been so long since I saw them, over 2 years now. I know there wasn't really much alternative, but not only do I miss my grandparents and aunties and uncles and cousins, but I miss the country too. I couldn't live there permamently, but despite its bad points I do love it there; it's a beautiful place. I especially want to see my grandparents though. They're the only ones I have now, and they're not getting younger.

At least I've got a little bit work done being at home I suppose.

Blah Blah Blah.....

That's all I have to say about that.

Another totally unrealted to anything thought for you....
...I love sitting in a car when it's going through a car wash or when the windows are all completely covered in white foam. There's something so peaceful about it; all the sounds are dulled and the light is gentle, filtered through these translucent white walls.
I haven't been in an automatic carwash for years, I suppose it was when I used to get regular lifts with my parents. The car wash was always fun though, as it was almost scary. You're locked into your car, the windows are covered in foam so you can't see out, then before you see it, you hear this HUGE noise as it prepares to run its gigantic red and blue spinning washers over your windows.

Ok, maybe I was easily scared as a kid! I'm going to put it down to an overactive imagination! :-p

Well, I went down to Godalming over the weekend to visit a friend for his party, twas really nice to see him and his family are so lovely! The countryside I passed through on the train was also beautiful, saw England's green and pleasant lands if you will. Especially in the sunshine, England's countryside really can be stunning. I love imaginig what it would have looked like before people altered the landscape.

When not staring out the window, I also like to imagine what people would have looked like a 100 years ago. As in, look at the people around me on the train, and imagine what they would have looked like in victorian clothes and hairstyles, what job they might have had instead of a suited up office worker. It's also cool to imagine even further back, to medeival or even roman times. I also try and match what they would have been wearing to their country/continent of origin (if i can guess), like imagine Indian people dressed up in Indian stuff from history.

Yes I'm quite sad I know, but it passes the time when you're taking an 4/5 hour train journey! :)

My grandad died on Tuesday. He was my mum's dad. I haven't written on here till now because I'm not sure how to describe how I feel. I'm still not sure, just hoping it will come out if I start. First off, it's awful to have to watch my mum be upset, but she's actually coping really well. Both her parents have gone now, her mum died before I was even born. It's lucky that they had a trip to India booked already, they leave at 4am or something tonight. The think about Hinduism is that they burn the body immediately, so if you're not in the country, you don't get to see the body. My dad wasn't able to perform the last rites for my great grandma as she had asked him to, because he just couldn't get there quick enough despite being there in under 48hours. My mum said she didn't want to go earlier because they wouldn't wait for her before the cremation anyway. I think they're at least waiting for my parents to arrive before they perform all the other ceremonies though. It must be an awful feeling to know that both your parents are dead, no matter how old you are. It's also an odd feeling for me, knowing that I don;t have any grandparents from that side of the family anymore. Like a void.

As for me, I wasn't that close to him, but he was still my grandad. He was always kind to me, gave me money or gifts , and he just wanted me to be happy. I don't know why but I always thought he was a little bit quirky...probably just old age, but I liked that :) Speaking of age, he was 97... a pretty impressive age if you ask me. Whenever I saw his letters to my mum, he often mentioned my late grandma (who died before I was born). Seems like he missed her quite a lot. I dom't know if I believe in an after life, I don't really know what I believe anymore....but if there is one I hope he's with her.

I heard the news when I was at Alton towers with my friends. I felt a bit bad for them, they must have felt slightly arkward, but they were all so great, I love them all :). But I had a really fun couple of days, and I was glad they were there. Anyway, I better go as I have many errands to run and work to do, but I just need to say this as I won't ever get to see his body...goodbye nanaji, I hope you're at peace. xx

Ok, well I keep having these amazing thoughts that I want to write here. Problem is I keep having them when I'm either asleep or very nearly asleep, meaning that come morning I remember that there was something I wanted to write, but I can't remember what it was! Yes i know, I'm a fool.

Since I don't have any wonderful deep thoughts for you, I'll just update you on my life :)

Since I've come home, I've helped my mum out with a Holi function she was organising (a Hindu festival), I have found the room in my floor, though there is still a rather obtrusive exercise bike in there! I've baked 2 cakes, the second of which I am particularly proud of! :D I've seen my friends a couple of times, seen a film or 2 and spent time with my parents over the bank holiday weekend and organised a trip to Alton Towers! (happening next week, yay!) Oh, I've also revised and worked on my dissertation a bit ;)

Wow, I actually have been quite busy! I think I want to do some painting this holiday. I was thinking about my art stuff from school, and so much of it doesn't really mean much to me because my teacher would only let me do life drawings! I would love to develop/work on some of the ideas I had then. Make some stuff that really has meaning for me, not just something that looks cool. The main problem is time and space really. I think I can make both of those this holiday though ;)

Well, back home again. Been feeling much better lately, had just hit a low point in terms of having loads of work, stress and staying in my dark attic room, while all my friends were enjoying themsleves in the sun! Had a cry and chat and sorted myself out though :)

Some things never change at home. I came back to find my room absolutely full of all my uni stuff (my dad had brought it home over the weekend), and an exercise bike (!) As usual my mum has bought some random pretty boxes and moved a few things around, which will just get moved back again :) It's quite nice to have things to do at home, makes feel like I'm not wasting my time! Possibly a little more to do than I'd like, but at least I won't just vegetate.
Anyhoo, I better go and finish finding the floor in my room! traa x

In the words of Faithless, "just below my skin, I'm screaming". That's really how I feel sometimes. Had a chat with the college nurse today, was so good to get some stuff out. I really love Downing College, they're not perfect by any means, but I really do think they do their best to provide the best establishment they can for the students :)

The weather is so beautiful today. Ihe sun makes everyone smile and relax, even when they're stressed. A glimpse of better times and things to come maybe? :)

Do you ever have days where you just wake up sad for no apparent reason?

I found wonderland today. Before you ask, yes, the one involving Alice. It was all quite exciting and scary :)

Linger - The Cranberries

If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

...This is a beautiful song, it has a haunting quality to it.

this is just to show michele!! :)

It was like focusing on a moving car along a road. Your vision becomes a mass of blurred lines, except for the bit you focus on, that car. In that last year, you had been that car, the thing I could focus on - my reference point.

I want one of those big oldy-worldy globes. That sits in a wooden hold and spins in all directions. The world painted on in yellowed colours, preserving it as it was seen at that time.

My house is definitely going to have one of those when I get older :)

I see so much beauty in the world around me. I guess there's even beauty in the pain in some circumstances. But sometimes, lately, it's all seemed kind of dulled. I can see its there, but I haven't stopped to think about it. Maybe its a time thing. But I've been aware of all the shit and awfulness that people in the world go through recently; people close to me, and people I've never even met, occasionally even myself. I want to change it, something, but at the same time its so hard to think about.

I had a nightmare about something I was upset about last summer, the other night. It kind of caught me off guard. It still upsets me to think about it, but its one of those things you get used to.

Anyway, back to essay writing :)

Since we didn't get any proper snow where I am...here's a little something to console myself with! Enjoy! :D

I had a really interesting lecture on genetic cloning today. How they do it, all the ethical implications etc. My course makes me think about my beliefs and the big questions in life on a regular basis...I'm so glad I'm doing it! I constantly have to re-assess what I believe, and whether I actually believe anything at all.

In anatomy sessions, I sit there and see how amazingly complicated the human body is...and I can understand why people say it must have been designed by 'God' or something similar. But I've also learnt about evolution, about how complex that is and can see how something like the mamalian body could have evolved and developed over a long period of time. It's all so confusing! Logically...ignoring my upbringing, I'm inclined to say that it's all a process of random evolution. But somehow, the idea of a god of some sort existing can be comforting. It's an easy anwser out of things at any rate, maybe. There's so many possibilities...maybe god directs evolution? But again, it seems illogical....

Our genetics lectures also end up making me ask the same questions...it's all so complicated and detailed, we don't even understand some of what happens...yet there are imperfections in the system. Mistakes are made (often resulting in the processes that allow evolution!). Is that the consequence of an imperfect design, or no design at all? just a system that appeared how ever many years ago and seemed to work?

*Sigh* So many questions, so few answers...

Bookstalls/shops always remind me of just how little I actually know compared to the vast amount of knowledge out there. Its comforting and fustrating at the same time to know that know matter how much I learn in my life, there will always be things that I just don't know.

"I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions."
- Dorothy Day

...I've pretty much come to the same conclusion myself lately.

You know, I spend so much time thinking about things...all kinds of things. But sometimes I wonder if really understand/know myself as well as I think I do. Each new experience brings surprise reactions from myself that sometimes I just dont have a rational explanation for. And I know I'm not that irrational. Maybe. :)

There's something more satisfying about writing with blue biros that black ones. Not entirely sure why.

I lay on a wooden bench and stared up at a clear blue sky this afternoon, all be it for 5 minutes. I haven't done that for so long.
Its amazing really, you're staring up into the sky....but really, you're staring up into the universe, through our own galaxy. So much is lying out there, all the answers to all your questions. Finding or actually getting the answers is another thing however.

I was so at peace for a few minutes, i was able to forget myself, a feeling I haven't had for a while :)

I want someone to slow dance with accross my bedroom floor. To gently sway in time to the music, to close my eyes and feel safe with.

Smile - Micheal Jackson (Though others whose name I don't know have done better versions)

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

....That song always cheers me up :)

*sigh*

Feeling a bit better about stuff now, Was just in a very down mood when I posted the last ones!

I think things will be ok. :)

When someone you thought was a friend hurts you, it makes you appreciate your other friends so much more. Suddenly its clear who truly cares about you and who just pretends to.

I thought I was at home when I woke up this morning. Then I opened my eyes.
Disappoinment was the only emotion after that. It's not even as if things would be much better at home, it's better to be here so I can keep myself busy and deal with everything.

This just feels like its been such a hard month/3 weeks. I don't know how I'll react if I get another piece of bad news. I've too many emotions to deal with right now.

Just thought of this while chatting to Michele...

We were just talking about couples that can't go anywhere without each other. I was saying that if you need another person to complete you, you have to take something from them to be yourself. How can you then offer them something extra in return?

I don't really like the idea of needing someone else to complete me as a person. I think the idea of being in a relationship with someone where you complement each other, rather than complete each other is much more rewarding.

Just wanted to write it down so I remember :)

Night all xx

I just wrote and deleted a post about pretending I'm fine about things when I'm not, how I've been doing it all my life. I don't know why I deleted it.

I want to escape, fly away.

What's happening to the world? Someone's dad just died in India. That's the 3rd death i've learnt of in a month.

Sometimes I just don't want to be here. Life just seems so random and meaningless at the moment, and I can't see my opinion changing anytime soon.

I hope her family manage without him. Losing your dad at this age must be one of the hardest things a person ever has to go through. I don't think anyone deserves that kind of pain.

I feel like a greyed out version of myself today.

Apologies in advance for the upcoming rant :)

Men really can be uncaring bastards sometimes. I really don't like thinking this about anyone, never mind half the human race, but the older I get, the more I seem to be believing what I've been hearing about men!
When I experience one myself, I can put it down to my nievity/optimism/bad luck. When they start being mean to my friends, I don't like it. I know not every man is like that, but at the moment it just seems that the decent ones are either taken or hiding.

I'm aware that women aren't perfect either by the way, but well....I have no expereience of them from a relationship/man's point of view!

I guess I just don't want to settle for 2nd best, which means I'm picky, which means I don't give myself a lot of choice, which eventually drives me to rants like these! (Though it was the treatment of a friend that started this one off!)

Oh dear. Right, I'm off to do something useful with myself I think. Talk to the bench gnomes maybe. To finish I'd just like to say that I am not raving, or a feminist!

Ta-ta!

Well that was a long and interesting day. Did some dress shopping, had a long chat and saw Ocean's 12.

Doesn't sound like much written down, but it felt like it! :)

"Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in."
- Amy Lowell (1874 - 1925)

I reckon that's pretty accurate :)

It strange, I'm happy, nervous, angry and sad all at the same time, and about different things.

Jeez, no wonder I'm ill, my brain probably doesn't know what to deal with 1st!
I do seem to have this permament knot in my stomach though. I wish it would go away, it just reminds me of all my feelings again when I've managed to forget them for a while.

Oh well, i'm sure it'll all work itself out. As I read somewhere once,

"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." :)

Ps. I got the position of welfare officer at my college - YAY!

How do you know if something was worth the pain it caused you?
I wish it had never happened, I really do.

I am such a fool! hee hee.

I wish my room had slightly higher ceilings, I feel so closed in sometimes. Especially when there's noone else in; there's even a door that separates the 2 rooms on this floor from the rest of the house.

It is a nice, big room...certainly has an interesting layout, and a nice view....but I suppose you can't have everything

I think its just that I hate being stuck here when my family probably need me. I want to be with my grandparents right now, help them in some way. I feel guilty staying here and having fun with my friends.

I need a hug.

I have this song stuck in my head, thought it might help to write it down! It is a beautiful song when you listen to it though. It's off the Garden State soundtrack (a great movie!)

Frou Frou - Let go

Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
cant you see that all that stuffs a sideshow.
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

I don't know what is wrong with me sometimes. I have such a good life compared to most people in the world, but sometimes I just feel so empty. Which annoys me because I know I'm not and neither is my life. Maybe empty isn't the right word, maybe its lonliness or that detached feeling I often get.

Oh I don't know, I'm fed up of whining about myself.
On a better note...
...I just went to the gym and now feel all energised.

Rarr!!! :-D

I find Albert Einstein endlessly fasciniating. I would have loved to have had a conversation with him :)

Who am I?

I am just a fleeting thought in your head.
Another entity carrying on their life
So tenuously connected to yours.

I am mind filled with dreams and despairs
Attached to a body that determines your judgement
And mine when I look in the mirror.

I am a shadow in the corner of your eye
Following the sun and its ethereal light
Wanting, yet afraid to succumb.

My great grandma died yesterday morning. She was 99 years old. It felt like a piece of my world as I knew it had just shattered before my eyes when I heard the news. I knew she was old and unwell, that it could happen anytime...but she'd been ill before and gotten better. My aunty said she had a serene look on her face, more serene than when she slept. I'm so glad about that.

My grandparent's life revolved around looking after her, I don't know what they'll do now. In a way I think it helped to make them feel young, having a specific job to do, someone else to dote over. It must be so hard for my grandfather -he hasn't been without his mother for the duration of his 80+ year life...I think the relationship had almost reversed as she got older, but it was still his mother.

I wish there was something I could do to help, something to ease their pain. But I think I'd be more in the way if I went to India, even if I could. I miss them a lot, maybe I don't tell them enough.

I think she's probably the strongest woman I have ever met. Mataji, as I called her, had such a strong spirit. Her mind was still pretty sharp for a 99 year old, even if her body was weak. We had a language barrier, in that I barely speak Hindi and she knew no English...but I loved her all the same.

I hope she finds the peace I know she wanted, wherever she is now.
Goodbye, Mataji.
xx

This is of a Thai transvestive from the National Geographic website. Thought it looked really cool!

This is one of my favourite songs :)

My Favourite Mistake - Sheryl Crow

I woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore

I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's six AM and I'm alone

Did you know when you go it's the perfect ending
To the bad day I was beginning
When you go all I know is you're my favorite mistake

Your friends act sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game

Now here comes your secret lover
She'll be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames.

Did you know when you go it's the perfect ending
To the bad day I'd gotten used to spending
When you go all I know is you're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

Well maybe nothing lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't need forever after, but it's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm holding on this way

Did you know could you tell you were the only one
That I ever loved?
Now everything's so wrong
Did you see me walking by, did it ever make you cry?
Now you're my favorite mistake
Yeah you're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake

I thought I saw a mini dragon at the bottom of my cellar stairs today, one that had died though cos it was lying on its back. It was a black, like it had accidentally burnt itself. Then I thought there might have been a war between the fairies and the dragons. Then I realised I was supposed to be doing the washing.

Not entirely sure why that was my 1st thought, but I'm quite glad it was. Been feeling distinctly uncreative for months and months now. It's come back a little, but not how I used to be. Will have to wait and see I guess...

I made pizza toady. Dough is fun.

mmm, pizza :)

Shit, my mum's friend died of a heart attack last night. She found out this morning. He's left behind a wife and kid.
The world is such an unfair place to some people. Hardly anything makes sense.

I love it when books have satisfying endings :) Finished Asimov's 'Second Foundation' yesterday. You'd have to read 'Foundation' 1st (also a great book), but I recommend both.

I'm not bi-lingual (though I wish I was), but I think I'm bi-cultural - if such a thing exists.

I find it almost effortless to switch between cultures a lot of the time, depending on whom I'm talking to and where I am...despite that fact that they are completely different from each other in many respects.
Surely there are other people who feel that way?

AARRRRGHH!!

She was brought up in a different time and place, of course she's not going to understand everything. I know it can be hard to step out of the cultural box some people are brought up in. I just have to keep remembering it.

Breathe in

and out.

*sigh*

God, sometimes I just want to get out of here...go somewhere I've never been before. Preferably with someone who wants to do the same; I could do it alone like before but its nice to have the company and someone to share it all with.

But first I have to decide where and when.