Just came back from cambridge - was there to research management consultancy stuff and see a few people. Talked to a careers adviser about management consultancy - he said it would be tough for me and wasn't overly supportive at first - understandable considering my cv and the fact that i told him the civil service was actually my first choice! But he was helpful and told me how to optimise my application and the kinds of places I would have more of a chance at. Did make me think a little harder about whether it's the right thing for me to do...but that is why I went down there! Should hopefully be attending a McKinsey workshop next week (in cam...AGAIN!) which should give me a further idea of whether this is the right thing for me to do. In the meantime though...applications applications applications!

I am also about to quit my part-time job at M&S...it's a really nice place to work - the people and the atmosphere are lovely (as is pay day!) but, I AM GOING BRAIN DEAD...and I'm also having to rush applications - it just isn't worth it.

Seeing as I'm about to have significantly less money, I had a closer look at my finances to see how much I am going to have to cut down on my spending! I was momentarily bemused when I saw how far into my overdraft I was, considering I have earned near on £800 and definitely haven't bought that many clothes or train tickets or gone out that much! A few calculations later I realised it's because I am owed £600!!!!! Man, the things I do for my parents. Add some more for the rest of my wages I'll be getting from M&S, and my bank balance should start to look a bit less red in the near future! Thank god for interest free overdrafts eh?

Righty, off to sort my life out, hope I can sort something out for the doggies next week for this McKinsey thing...feel so bad for them, they're getting all confused with people coming and going...but they are getting company, food and being taken out so they're having their basic needs satisfied - hopefully when my parents are back things will settle down again and they won't be confuddled anymore!

Over and out x

-Why does being very tired and being drunk seem to have the same effect on me? I come out with random nonsense via whatever method is available to me at the time. Actual conversation, msn, texting...blogging....

-It's amazing how a child you are barely related to can bring out a maternal instinct. We had a 5 year old girl with us over the weekend, and somehow my maternal instinct just kicked in when I was responsible for her. She viewed me as an adult that she could rely on, and so I became one. She automatically held my hand when we crossed the road, she listened when I told her to say thank you to someone or not to do something (some of the time!), and the whole time we were out, I wanted to make sure she was safe and having fun. Now anthropologists would tell me this is becuase we are related, i'm sure...but she's my 2nd cousin once removed or something - not exactly a close relation!
I don't want kids just now, I'd rather be at least in my mid 20s...but I got a glimpse of what people must feel like when they have their own children, and I liked it :)

-I tried a casual dress on yesterday in size 8 by mistake...and everything but my breasts fitted into it! My word, if *I* am a size 8, what on earth do the people half my size wear?! This just confirmed for me my suspicion that sizes have been getting bigger - a size 10 now is much bigger than a size 10 5 years ago....a reflection of our ever growing society maybe?

Also on a related note..one day, *one day* someone will invent tops that are normal dress sizes, but have varying cup sizes in, so that us disproportionate girls can wear nicely fitting clothes!

Maybe I should invent one? hmm.

Coming home to a dark and sleeping house
Sometimes greeted by a swaying tail
lock up behind you, keep out the cold
tip toe up to your den of technology

Waking up to the voices of strangers
Shuffling their way around your life
turn on the radio for someone to talk to
listening to the woe of other lives

Finding the will to get out of bed
stretch out your body, ready for the day
guess the weather outside before you look
Big toe switches on the computer.

Going to the bathroom to brush your teeth
Stare in the mirror, look for changes
Go downstairs to pick up the mail
There's nothing for you, read the paper

Sitting at the computer to plan the day
connect to the world, check it's still there
msn flashes, fingers jerk in response
faceless chat using yellow pictues.

Filling out forms, think what to write
hard to impress when still in pyjamas.
Rifle through papers that document your life
despair at the mess, add item to tasks

Taking a shower, linger in the heat
brace yourself for the wall of cold
Run errands that your parents asked of you
Work down the list of things to do

Finding a new wind to fill out forms
a dog comes and snuggles by your feet
A second one joins, slumps heavily down
simple needs and simple emotions

Looking at the clock, haven't yet eaten
tempted to leave it, lose more weight
Remember need food to keep nice skin
rumage kitchen for something you want

Surfing the net, you pass the afternoon
try and plan the rest of your life
Scary to have a new way of thinking
wonder if ends justify the means

Racing downstairs, paws slide on the floor
Keys chink as they join the rest by the door
Expensive shoes clunk on the laminate wood
go sit on the stairs, join in the greetings

Asking about their day, 10 minute chat
talk about dinner, look at the time
get ready for work, dinner on the table
Gulp food down, say bye to the parents

Going to sit in the car, too rushed to think
have to wait a minute for the windows to clear
Arrive at work, look happy for the customers
Come home to a dark and sleeping house.

Something to get your brain going:

Eternally I am 1 to 6,
eternally I am 15 to 20,
I am always 5,
but I am never ever 21 unless I am flying,
what am I ???

and....

A woman has 5 children and half of them are male? How can this be?

There are too many conflicting thoughts in my head, and on different topics. I'm not sure I even know where to start sorting my head out.

Walked into work this evening and a colleague told me I looked how she felt. It made me realise just how tired I actually am. The stuff I want to figure out needs some hard thinking about, I'm going to have to face up to things about myself that I'm not sure I like.

I just have to find the energy and the will. I think I already know what I have to do with one of my problems, I just don't want to think about it because I know it's going to be incredibly difficult for me...but such is life....

Maybe I need to go for a drive somewhere when I have a day free to myself, just sit with a pen and paper and think.

This whole job hunting thing is getting harder and harder. I keep applying for jobs, and have had endless rejections. So many people I know are going through the same process, but it's still hard. My friends still at uni are carrying on with uni life and meeting new people, my friends at home are partnered up or away...and I know all these people are there for me, all I have to do is call them; but it's those times when it's the middle of the afternoon, I'm filling out another job application and suddenly all I want is another human being to talk to, something less draining to think about.

I've always liked spending time by myself, I need time to myself each day...but I've had so much of it lately, I've done so much thinking. This may not sound like a bad thing, but I'm exhausted of analysing whether I'm doing the right thing with my life, everyday. All that happens is that I get little niggling doubts and I start to wonder if I'm doing the right thing, which doesn't exactly give me the motivation to fill in more forms! I just want to listen to someone else's day, talk about inane things and the world.

I guess this is just a long winded way of saying I miss living with my friends.

I've just been to karate again...it's strange, I hate the idea of actually breaking someone's limbs (and having mine broken!) but I like the idea of being able to do it and defend myself if I ever have to!

I always feel great after karate, can't really explain why, but I guess it doesn't matter! :)

There were times when you thought
You were finally comfortable with life
With who you are and the way you look
and you no longer had to pretend to be content.

Then something flicks a switch inside
And it’s hard to look your friends in the eye
In case they see that something has changed
And they don’t understand the way you work

Momentarily all you want in this hectic world
Is for just one of the six billion to stop and see
To hold you and tell you it will be ok
So you can summon strength to do this alone.

You know everyone has their tracks to follow
That cross and swerve through the rivers of time
So you swim along, building your track too
Hoping you don’t run out of steel.