Saturday, April 30, 2005

Events just seem like details in a blur
and you collect your tears in a jar for your friends.
You're tired of your dreams and of hearing the truth
closing your eyes to a velvet black
and opening them to a created reality.

Sometimes you can't dig your nails in deep enough
Sorrow and solitude come your way, hand in hand
Offering you their tears to drown in.
A familiar but dangerous friendship
This is cheesy, but I like it:

"The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity."

-Francis Maitland Balfour

Thursday, April 28, 2005

I was thinking the other day about what it is that makes me post on this blog regularly. Who am I talking to? It started off 2 years ago, as somewhere to put all the random thoughts I have (I have quite a lot!) Somewhere to put down/witness all those things I think of, that would just sound too random to say to a friend or another person.

It still serves that purpose for me now, as well as the added bonus of being a good way to keep people updated on your life. However, it occurred to me recently, I think I use this space as a replacement for someone to listen to me. I have friends, that I talk about very random stuff with, but this is the little things, that aren't worth mentioning off hand unless its to a person who wants to know you inside out.

I want someone to want that. To meet me and want to know more, not to get to know a bit then get bored or decide it's not worth it. Importantly, I want to feel the same about that person. I want to meet someone that I find fascinating, that I can't figure out after a few converstaions and want to know more. I want someone to care about about, to love. And to have that in return.

Until then though, I'll keep posting here...as a witness to myself. I saw 'Shall we dance' over the easter holidays. There was a line in it, that said "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness."

I'm not saying I want to get married just yet....but that's what I'm after I think. A witness that cares, and that I can give back to.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Wow, that was one of the nicest birthday celebrations I've ever had! Went out for a lovely meal with all my close friends, then went for drinks after with them and some more. Obviously, they got me quite drunk (damn Cambridge and it's pennying!). Today we broke open the champagne Chris and Cat got me, and were very posh with our ferore roche at the same time :) Also got some beautiful presents, I love my friends here so much! Don't know how many of them read this, but you're really appreaciated if you are reading this :)

Saturday, April 23, 2005

ps. eep, just changed the thing at the side to 21..i'm so old!
Well, it wasn't the most exciting birthday I've ever had, but it was still nice. A few people forgot or got the wrong day, but I still got loads of texts and calls so I guess it's ok :) Started the morning by picking up my parents from the airport (they had just come back from India), spent the rest of the morning talking and looking at the things they'd bought. Afternoon was fairly uneventful, apart from all the lovely texts/calls I got! Then did the obligitory taking the dogs out cos my parents were too tired, then a luurvely dinner with my family. My brother and cousin came up all the way from the south-west which was so nice of them. The food was absolutely gorgeous, but quite expensive...think it was worth it though. Got home, everyone was tired or jet-lagged so they all went to bed. I chatted on the net for a bit then fell asleep....possibly slightly tipsy from the meal :)

All in all, it was quite nice :) Going out on Tuesday with my uni friends, hopefully that should be fun too!

Friday, April 22, 2005

wow, feels like a hell of a lot has happened since my last birthday :)

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

arrgh! F***ING PERIODS! What did women do to deserve such pain?!
(sorry, really needed to get that out!)

*deep breath*

Ok, time to stop whining and procrastinating now.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

I hate being here when all my family are together in India. It's been so long since I saw them, over 2 years now. I know there wasn't really much alternative, but not only do I miss my grandparents and aunties and uncles and cousins, but I miss the country too. I couldn't live there permamently, but despite its bad points I do love it there; it's a beautiful place. I especially want to see my grandparents though. They're the only ones I have now, and they're not getting younger.

At least I've got a little bit work done being at home I suppose.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Blah Blah Blah.....

That's all I have to say about that.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Another totally unrealted to anything thought for you....
...I love sitting in a car when it's going through a car wash or when the windows are all completely covered in white foam. There's something so peaceful about it; all the sounds are dulled and the light is gentle, filtered through these translucent white walls.
I haven't been in an automatic carwash for years, I suppose it was when I used to get regular lifts with my parents. The car wash was always fun though, as it was almost scary. You're locked into your car, the windows are covered in foam so you can't see out, then before you see it, you hear this HUGE noise as it prepares to run its gigantic red and blue spinning washers over your windows.

Ok, maybe I was easily scared as a kid! I'm going to put it down to an overactive imagination! :-p

Monday, April 11, 2005

Well, I went down to Godalming over the weekend to visit a friend for his party, twas really nice to see him and his family are so lovely! The countryside I passed through on the train was also beautiful, saw England's green and pleasant lands if you will. Especially in the sunshine, England's countryside really can be stunning. I love imaginig what it would have looked like before people altered the landscape.

When not staring out the window, I also like to imagine what people would have looked like a 100 years ago. As in, look at the people around me on the train, and imagine what they would have looked like in victorian clothes and hairstyles, what job they might have had instead of a suited up office worker. It's also cool to imagine even further back, to medeival or even roman times. I also try and match what they would have been wearing to their country/continent of origin (if i can guess), like imagine Indian people dressed up in Indian stuff from history.

Yes I'm quite sad I know, but it passes the time when you're taking an 4/5 hour train journey! :)

Thursday, April 07, 2005

My grandad died on Tuesday. He was my mum's dad. I haven't written on here till now because I'm not sure how to describe how I feel. I'm still not sure, just hoping it will come out if I start. First off, it's awful to have to watch my mum be upset, but she's actually coping really well. Both her parents have gone now, her mum died before I was even born. It's lucky that they had a trip to India booked already, they leave at 4am or something tonight. The think about Hinduism is that they burn the body immediately, so if you're not in the country, you don't get to see the body. My dad wasn't able to perform the last rites for my great grandma as she had asked him to, because he just couldn't get there quick enough despite being there in under 48hours. My mum said she didn't want to go earlier because they wouldn't wait for her before the cremation anyway. I think they're at least waiting for my parents to arrive before they perform all the other ceremonies though. It must be an awful feeling to know that both your parents are dead, no matter how old you are. It's also an odd feeling for me, knowing that I don;t have any grandparents from that side of the family anymore. Like a void.

As for me, I wasn't that close to him, but he was still my grandad. He was always kind to me, gave me money or gifts , and he just wanted me to be happy. I don't know why but I always thought he was a little bit quirky...probably just old age, but I liked that :) Speaking of age, he was 97... a pretty impressive age if you ask me. Whenever I saw his letters to my mum, he often mentioned my late grandma (who died before I was born). Seems like he missed her quite a lot. I dom't know if I believe in an after life, I don't really know what I believe anymore....but if there is one I hope he's with her.

I heard the news when I was at Alton towers with my friends. I felt a bit bad for them, they must have felt slightly arkward, but they were all so great, I love them all :). But I had a really fun couple of days, and I was glad they were there. Anyway, I better go as I have many errands to run and work to do, but I just need to say this as I won't ever get to see his body...goodbye nanaji, I hope you're at peace. xx