This made me laugh :)

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
-George Burns

That must be an amazing feeling.

Just thought of something else though...where did they land?!

I had a dream last night that my grandma died. But this time I think it was my grandma that died before I was born. I can't remember properly but it really unnerved me. That's the 2nd dream I've had recently that has involved death. I've already lost so many people this year, these dreams really scare me. 2 close members of my family died within 3 months of one another, at the end of last year I lost a relationship that meant quite a lot to me, and recently I've realised that I've probably lost another, or at least am losing. Maybe the 1st one was my fault, I don't know...but this one isn't in my opinion.

Good things have happened too, I got welfare officer at my college and i've made some great new friends, but it makes it harder to focus on the good stuff when i'm having fucking scary dreams like this.

Maybe I'm just stressed about my exams. My period is really late which happened this time last year.

Are you reading this?

I was thinking about a conversation I had with a friend of mine the other day...made me think of this:

Falling for someone hurts a lot if they're not there to catch you.

I liked the way it sounded (yes, I'm being big headed!)

:)

It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into.
-Jonathan Swift

Unfortunately, I think that's sometimes true.

I just had an urge to roller blade. I can't even remember when I last did that. I was always a bit unsteady on them, but maybe I'll dig them out and have another go this holiday :)

I had a nightmare last night that my dad died of a heart attack...but he wasn't at home, he'd gone away on one of his trips. I remember trying to convince myself that he was just on a really long trip; that he hadn't gone. I can't remember if I actually cried in my dream, but there was this feeling of overwhelming, oppressive sadness. I couldn't escape it wherever I went, I felt like I was being pushed downwards by it, like my lungs were too heavy. It was such a powerful dream, I woke up and for a second I thought it was true because that overbearing sadness followed me into conciousness. Of course it isn't true, and I don't really feel like that, but the feeling in the dream was so vivid, it shook me a little.

Do you ever feel kind of blank? Not depressed necessarily, but like it all seems a bit pointless and you're just working on autopilot.

"Do not judge men by mere appearances; for the light laughter that bubbles on the lip often mantles over the depths of sadness, and the serious look may be the sober veil that covers a divine peace and joy."

-E. H. Chapin

Just to add to the whole, 'what I'm looking for in life' rant earlier......I want, maybe even need someone who makes me laugh, who can really cheer my up or make me happier than I'm already feeling. Just wanted to add that.

Laughter, honesty and kindness are all really important qualities for me.

I'm going to resist adding more and more things to that list...it could go on for a long time, but I don't think my perfect man exists...I reckon things are far more likely to happen and go further if you keep an open mind. (I'm still picky though!)

Over and out ;-)

Ok, I think it's all been far too serious lately. Here's something that amuses me everytime I see it:



Yes, that's right. It's a birds eye view of a factory with my name on it! :D It's from this website. Enjoy.

Right, feeling a bit better now! Just needed to write it down and dwell on it for a bit...which I've now done! My moods do seem to go up and down, but I guess life is like that :) I'm healthy and have wonderful friends, which is more than a lot of people have!

Optimistic Prachi returns.

I can feel myself building up those walls again, that I so foolishly let someone break through by showing them my weak areas. The disadvantage of these walls is that I feel more detatched from everything, people. The advantage is that I can manage by myself, in my self-sufficient world. I can deal with feeling alone better, because by building up walls it becomes my normality.

When lonliness is normal, you stop thinking about it. It's just how your life is for now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm performing for the world around me. I laugh and I make jokes, becuase if I don't people start thinking there's something wrong. Soemtimes there is, sometimes there isn't, but generally if I want to talk about it I will. However, I've spent the better part of my life observing people. I was intensly shy until about 16 years...observing was something I came to like and be good at. Just because I'm more confident now, and actively join in conversations, doesn't mean I don't want to just be quiet and watch sometimes...although I do appreciate that people care.

Basically I wish I didn't feel the need to pretend to appear constantly happy. I'm not constantly happy..is anyone? Its tiring, and in the end, just makes me feel more lonely because at the end of the day, I don't have that close person with whom I feel I can share these things. I know my friends are there for me, but I guess I've always felt like they don't need to listen to my problems more than they already do.

I don't know, rant over.