Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is such a good movie. I recommend it :) Its original and really beautifully shot.

Christmas has been fun this year. It snowed and the lights are pretty :) It also helps to have people here who have never seen a lot of the things I consider normal...you kind of end up sharing their wonderment.

I feel like my optimism is slowly slipping away. I would still call myself an optimist, but so many people around me are pessimistic, I can feel it eating away at me sometimes.

I refuse to become a pessimist though. That's not a change I'm willing to undergo. At least I'm aware of it. I think I'm going to make an extra effort to be optimistic. I think it makes you a happier person. Well, it definitely makes me a happier person. :)

I've lived in the same village/town my whole life, going from one end to the other when we moved house. Up until 3 or 4 years ago, it was pretty much as it had always been in my memory, but lately recently I've noticed it being taken over by corporate businesses, and I don't like it!

The 1st thing that came was a blockbuster and tesco express, which is undeniably useful, but I would have preferred something less, well, corporate I suppose. I was happy with it though, becuase there had been talk of a Mcdonalds for the plot of land, which would have been even worse in my opinion.

Next came the redevelopment of a petrol station, which became a Domino's and something else I can't remember. A Pizza Hut has now sprung up too. That doesn't sound so bad, but because of their arrival, the more local pizza place had to shut down.

In the shopping precint down the road, all the shops used to be small chains or local ones. Oxfam and somerfield were probably the only big names. There is also a Monkhouses, which is huge, but sells sportswear and school uniforms, and has been vital to lots of parents in South Manchester! Even they have sold a part of their shop to 'Bargain Booze'. eugh.

The local newsagent in the precint, which has had the same old man in it for years has now become massive! He looks odd in there now, and all it sells is bits and bobs in large quantities, nothing better thna they used to sell. A clothes store has even appeared, and ok the clothes are kind of 30ish to middle aged, but it has proper fitting rooms! This is no village shop!

They're also trying to turn our next door neighbours house into a block of flats. (Next door have agreed to this) We've already objected once, but they've re-applied again. I just hope its not some concrete/brick monstrosity.

The final straw, is that I've heard they might be building on the one bit of land that is still green here. Its open fields with a river, and I couldn't bear to see it go. I don't know if its true. I'll have to go down and check to make sure, but at the rate things have been changing lately, I wouldn't be entirely surprised.

I think when I'm older, I'm going to live in a small village, that is near a town but surrounded by countryside. Ideally it would also be near the sea, and will take years for any massive corporate national businesses to take over. Hmm.

Do you ever get a sense of detachment? Like your life is happening to someone else and you are just a bystander. Even though I'm going out and making some of the things I want happen, I still feel cut off, slightly different from everyone else.
It's almost as if I'm walking around in a glass box, that no one knows is there because they can all see through it. What they don't realise is that it stops people getting through to the real me. People have come painfully close to breaking through my perceived glass box, but I don't think anyone has ever carried it through. Maybe I have let people see/touch the real me. Maybe I won't know until it happens.

I think everyone probably has a glass box of some sort, just of different strength and thickness glass.

Jeez, I do come up with some odd analagies.

wow, I have too many things to say today, and they're totally unrelated to each other. But by the time you've read this one, you'll probably have read the others seeing as it publishes the last post at the top. Oh well.

I'll be impressed if you get this far though. That's quite a rant up there.

She had, like so many others, spent her life placing her painful memories away into a little box. It was actually quite a pretty box as she imagined it; painted white wood with red and yellows swirls.
Each time a memory was stored away after a while so she could carry on with her life without constantly dwelling on the sadness in it. It allowed her to focus and surround herself with the good things, to be grateful for those.

This is how she'd survived it all, how she had appeared fine to the outside world and small talk people. Indeed, she still appeared fine. There was no reason to change her personal method of survival. It had worked until now and would most likely work for the rest of her life too.

However, the little box that already contained so much, and would no doubt accumulate more, wasn't always secure. Each experience brought an extra lock, each with corresponding keys and combinations. Only one was needed to open it, and once open, it is hard not to see the rest of the contents, so desparately locked in. It takes years of practise to ignore their cries for release.

But this girl had not had years of practise, not nearly enough anyway. Few people ever feel like they have ever had enough practise at dealing with the hard things in life; a good thing in a way.

It took only a smell or a word to open the box sometimes. Today it was the colour of a shirt she had noticed. There was no reason for anyone in the room to suspect it as a key; no one there was even aware of a box. Even your closest friends will never know everything about you.

Anyone who looked carefully at her then, would have noticed a glazed looked of melancholy come over her, if only for a second or two. In that second however, the memories and all their feelings passed before her eyes: Friends with broken lives, the deaths of loved ones, a grown man crying on his knees before God because there was no one else who could help, the tears she has shared with her lost best friend, the months of happiness she'd had lost with a single sentence, the starving child at her feet, knowing there were thousands more that she could never feed or help.
All these, maybe more passed before her eyes, as I said, we can never truly know a person's complete thoughts.

An instant later, she had blinked and re-adjusted her hair. The glaze had gone, the memories pushed back in. To the people around, nothing had happened. Even for her it was just a few seconds of thought that had passed in one day out of thousands, maybe as insignificant to world as she felt they were.

We put up the Christmas tree yesterday. Its been more fun this year, since
a) we have a real one (as our plastic one seems to be missing one of its 3 legs)

b) I have 2 cousins from India here, so not only do I have people my own age, but people for whom Christmas is new! Its never quite as fun with my brother cos he always wants to do things alone. It'll be good to have him here for Christmas day though.

Our house is full up at the moment so its hard to get time to myself, but it is fun to have people my own age here like I said, haven't had that for the past 3 or 4 years. The dogs seem happy too :)

Strange though, I still feel kind of alone. Think I need to get back in touch with my friends from home properly and throw myself into everything I need to do/sort out this holiday. Just need to keep myself busy :)

Well, got back from the skiing trip in south France on Saturday after a 16 hour coach journey and Ferry accross the channel. Was loads of fun, even if I was terrified almost to the point of tears on the 1st day (possibly also to do with the incredibly painful boots). After that 1st day though I started to enjoy it a lot more (having changed my boots!). Would have liked to have been better at it, although I did get a spectacular fall into my trip, involving crashing into 3 people (ok, maybe 4, I didn't count). Both my skis, hat, goggles and glove all came off as I fell, luckily I didn't injure anyone else, and I only got a bruise on one arm!
I'd got the hang of it by the end of the week though, although I think I have to come to the conclusion that I'm not a natural skier!

That aside, the views were amazing. Our balcony looked straight out onto one of the mountains. I've never seen scenery like that before. It was stunning when the sun rose above one of the peaks in the morning (yes, I was up that early!).

It didn't snow at all until the thursday night (we left friday night). The snow was so sparkly and powdery though, it looked almost fake when on the ground. It was as if someone had sprinkled glitter all over everything. It was so soft and powdery, we couldn't even make snow balls with it, and if you did manage to compact it, it just disintegrated mid air. We made do with snow angels though :)

It snowed most of Friday too, and was still snowing when we left. So all in all had a fantabulous time, got to use a bit of French, looked sexy in our thermals(!), got a bit drunk, lost my debit card for a day and half, saw some amazing views, made snow angels in the midnight snow, and of course, learned to ski.

:)

Note to self: Must not turn into Bridget Jones!

ok, ok I admit it. I am totally and utterly smitten and in love. Only problem, is its with 2, not just one!

But I guess its ok, seeing as they're only my dogs :)

Its always when I'm ill that I miss having hugs the most. I suppose its the same with everyone really.

I just passed my driving test! YAY!!!!!! :-D

I love watching whirlwinds of leaves fly round. I like how they always try and become bigger than they are, even though they never quite make it. (in my experience anyway) They always keep on, if not here, then somewhere else.

Jeez, I don't think I even make sense to myself anymore. Did that even make any sense? I feel like i'm going mad here.

I went to see Nitin Sawhney and the Britten Sinfonia last night...it was AWESOME! I've been listening to Nitin Sawhney's music since I was 17 or so, was amazing to finally see him live :)

Its so easy to lose yourself in his music; his songs often have a haunting quality about them. I think I like some of his songs because I'm able to identify with the meanings too sometimes. Homelands for example is about a feeling of isolation from coming from a different culture, something I used to feel when I was in school (primary school mostly). Its strange, don't even really think about it now unless someone asks.

I was also thinking while I was watching... it must be an amazing feeling to have composed something in your head, and know what you want it to sound like, then hear it played by an orchestra or sung by someone with the right kind of voice. He was playing his guitar on stage, the Britten sinfonia being behind him and the other soloists in line with him on stage, and I could imagine him sitting in his house playing with his guitar, imagining all the other instruments... and now there it was right behind him.

I'd love to be able to compose music :)

For most of my life, I've had people coming to talk to me about their problems, both friends and aquaintances. I've never minded this, and guessed that people must just find me easy to talk to, which I am glad about.
The problem always came when I needed or wanted to talk to people. I find it hard to tell other people my problems, my real worries or thoughts. Of course, I have a few people that I can talk to about stuff, but they are so few that I value everyone of them immensley. I don't know what it is about those people that makes me feel at ease, but I know that I need to know they're there. I convinced myself when I was younger that I didn't need any friends, that I could cope and was fine by myself. Now its one of the most painful things to feel like I've lost one.

Had to go home again this weekend. It really is like having 2 totally separate lives. My home is so far removed from Cambridge, physically and emotionally. It is nice to get away from the stress here, but its just a different kind of stress at home sometimes, but no where near as intense as here!

On a different subject, the reason for going home was to take my mum on a spa day we had bought for her aages ago. The healthclub was situated half an hour's drive from our house, in the Peak district. The view was just breathtaking. It had snowed that night and it was like driving into Switzerland. All we could see were snowy hills and the healthclub perched on one of the hillsides like a chalet. If you turned around you could see for miles, accross and beyond what I presume was Maccesfield. When we left the club it was dark, and the scene was transformed into an array of twinkling lights spread out beneath us.

Like I said, it was breathtaking. My mum seemed to enjoy herself too, even if I found the rest of the weekend a bit stressful! I think the view made it worth it though. I haven't been to the Peak district for such a long time, I'd forgotten how much I liked it there last time I went :)

I was so hopeful
For someone to know me
For someone to share their dreams
I let you in, to my strange world.

I let myself believe
I let myself go, to you
You humoured me for a while
Then you broke my heart in two.

I tolerated and understood
Maybe you did too
But it made no difference
To your disjointed heart and lips.

I kindled a secret fire
And waited for time
To provide the extra fuel
But thoughtlessly you quenched it.

I let myself believe
That you meant everything you said
I let myself go, to you
And tell you things I shouldn’t.

You humoured me for a while
Then you broke my heart in two

Experiences and mistakes are good for you, at the end, you come through them stronger....right?
Reminding myself of that helps when I'm wishing things never happenend. I don't know if everything happens for a reason, but I want to be able to make the most of my experiences, good or bad.
Its easier said than done though.

The sunset was so beautiful yesterday, I didn't manage to get a picture unfortunately though.
The clouds were pink and blue and scattered accross the sky, as if someone had delicately dragged the egde of a piece of paper accross them. Its quite hard to explain really, not sure I can do it justice.

The world is so unfair to some people. I hate seeing my friends upset, especially when you can't do anything to help them.

I found out I had primitive wrists today - how odd! hee hee. :)

ok, so I'm a total psycho. Can't believe I did that!

Its such an awful feeling when the person who's upset you, is the person you're used to going to for comfort.

Deep Blue Something - Breakfast at Tiffany's

You say that we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You'll say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
But I know you just don't care

CHORUS:
And I said what about "Breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said, "I think I remember the film,
And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it."
And I said, "Well, that's the one thing we've got."

I see you - the only one who knew me
And now your eyes see through me
I guess I was wrong
So what now? It's plain to see we're over,
And I hate when things are over -
When so much is left undone

CHORUS:
And I said what about "Breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said, "I think I remember the film,
And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it."
And I said, "Well, that's the one thing we've got."

You say that we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You'll say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
But I know you just don't care

CHORUS:
And I said what about "Breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said, "I think I remember the film,
And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it."
And I said, "Well, that's the one thing we've got."

If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances. -Julia Sorel

I'm looking forward to going home this weekend, but the house is going to be full of people I don't know, and I'm going to have to share my bedroom with a relative who is a complete stranger.
Not really what I need right now, but it'll be nice to be home anyway hopefully, just away from here.

I bought this ring today



I like it, it reminds me of the sea.

Left my soul there
down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free.

does anyone else ever wish they lived in an entirely different (better) universe sometimes?

Today I've looked at beautiful jewellery I could never afford, and even if I could would find it hard to justify spending the money on. But all the same, I like looking at it. Jewellery shops always have a kind of serentity about them, and everything is all sparkly and shiny, and everywhere you turn something glints in the corner of your eye.

I wonder what else today has in store for me. I hope its good. :-)

Flowers

As the flowers on my desk strained towards the solitary light
I slipped away, further into the shadows
Taking my tears and confusion away from the world,

But not so far so that I couldn’t pretend to still exist,
just to a place where I could be detached in peace
Away from people who could desert me,

When they decided I was no longer worth their trouble.
I left the light on for the flowers to have,
as a beacon for if I ever decided to return, and check they still lived.

Sheryl Crow -Strong enough

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be man enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

I really like that song, its stuck in my head!

Why were so many of my friends born within the same few weeks! In my family there were 3 birthdays in October, 3 more from my uni friends and Hannah's 1st week of november! Tis fun cos means lots of parties and celebrating malarky, but sooo many people to buy presents for!

But actually, seriously, I was thinking today in my lecture....all my problems are actually fairly trivial. We were being shown pictures of these kids who were starving and had protein deficiencies and things. I'm lucky enough to be able to dwell on the less important things because I've got the basic necessary things for living. I've got clothes, a place to live, enough money, a decent education, great friends and importantly, my health.

Such a cliche I know (hopefully didn't make you vom too much!) , but it really does help to remind myself of that when I'm upset sometimes.

It was all so sudden, so instantly gone.
In one conversation he set himself free.
And the good memories keep flooding back
Bringing with them a new ache for me.

To add to the constant one that sits and stays
Sometimes bringing anger, sometimes tears.
Work holds little of my attention these days
Staring at walls and playing with my hair.

It was all so sudden
When did you change your mind?
The clock timed out before I was ready.
I don’t understand.

I want to ask him to explain what I did
But he only makes small talk, makes more pain.
Meanwhile the papers pile higher around
While I consider whether to include him in my day.

It was all so sudden
When did you change your mind?
The clock timed out before I was ready
I don’t understand.

When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure. - Alice Hoffman

So true :-)

REM -Half a World Away


This could be the saddest dusk
I’ve ever seen
Turn to a miracle
High alive
My mind is racing
As it always will
My hand is tired, my heart aches
I’m half a world away here
My head sworn
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Go it alone
Hold it along and hold, hold

This lonely deep sit hollow
I’m half a world
Half the world away
My shoes are gone
My life spent
I had too much to drink
I didn’t think
And I didn’t think of you
I guess that’s all I needed
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Blackbirds, backwards, forwards and fall and hold, hold

Oh, this lonely world is wasted
Pathetic eyes high alive
Blind to the tide that turns the sea
This storm it came up strong
It shook the trees
And blew away our fear
I couldn’t even hear

To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Blackbirds, backwards, forwards, and fall and hold hold

This could be the saddest dusk
I’ve ever seen
Turn to a miracle
High alive
My mind is racing
As it always will
My hands tired, my heart aches
I’m half a world away and go

The clouds had fallen from the sky to the paddock last night. It was beautiful and eerie at thee same time; standing in a misty field, looking up at a clear starry sky.

Dashing away with a smoothing iron, she stole my heart away.

Hehe, remembered that this morning when i was half asleep. The brain is a funny thing :-)

Something occurred to me the other day (bear in mind this idea did occur to me when I was still half asleep in my bed!) that you know all these people that say they remember their past lives, or have been regressed..... Why are their past lives always in the same country you live in now...why not on the other side of the world? Surely your soul/spirit (?) doesn't take notice of lines drawn on a map? I could be wrong, maybe people do have memories of past lives in countries different to their own.

Not sure why I'm posting this, not even sure if I believe in reincarnation!

ok, I just tried to change a light bulb, but I couldn't quite reach it properly even while standing on a small, dodgy stepladder. Anyhoo, had to tip the lampshade slightly, but then a screw fell out of the fitting when I took the old bulb out. Its now tipped at a funny angle. I don't want to die changing a light bulb. It really shouldnt be this complicated. I really can change a light bulb! No, really I can!

Damn my lack of height!

Was looking up at the sky the other night. It dawns on me every now and again just how far away they all are, and that what we are looking at, isn't even how they look right now. We're seeing what they looked like hundreds or thousands(?) of years ago. By looking at the stars you're actually looking into the past in a way. Its amazing really :)

I read this in The Times today, thought most of it was pretty accurate :-)
...................................................................

Young Britain – nation of selves but not necessarily selfish
By Damian barr

ME, ME, ME. That’s what the iGeneration is all about. We are limited edition, exclusive and one-off. We are iPod-loving children of Thatcher. Our clothes are customised. Our hotels boutique. Even our bodies are bespoke. We put ourselves before our country and worship in gyms — not churches. We’re fit and, my gosh, don’t we know it.
Our Britain is a nation of selves. But this cult of the self is not necessarily selfish.

We’re actually very generous. Conveniently most charities now take plastic and for us, dropping change in a tin is more meaningful than popping a paper in a ballot box. As a form of direct action we rate donating over voting.

We’re equally generous when it comes to respect. We attach cache to being different. Monoculture is, like, so over — we love Christina Aguilera way more than all-American Britney. Each generation is, of course, more tolerant than the last. We feel Britain is more tolerant than ever. Which is why most — but crucially not all — of us are proud to be British.

Our parents reeled at that kiss in Corrie. But we wanted Todd and the hot male nurse to get it on. We mob Pride — not because we’re gay but because the music’s good. We believe in a woman’s right to choose and feel all couples should share the same rights. We kind of don’t get why they don’t already.

This year’s Big Brother final was the latest inter-generational face-off. Fun transsexual foreigner with big mouth versus dull straight man with big muscles. Nadia’s win was our triumph. Our parents were shocked to find oranges were not the only fruit and now teens are reading Julie Burchill’s Sugar Rush — a working-class lesbian teen romp. Tipping the shellsuit. No publisher would have dared take such a risk before now.

But contradiction is not just a scent by Calvin Klein. It is the other defining characteristic of the iGeneration. We’d legalise getting caned on cannabis while bringing back the cane. We believe in an after-life but avoid church (except for weddings). We owe more money than our parents did at our age but expect to be richer than them by the time we start going to bars where we can hear ourselves think.

Most of us have a close friend of a different colour and believe them trustworthy enough to marry. Yet less than half of us think immigration is a good thing. Age still brings with it experience. As the drunken 21st becomes a distant memory we switch from alcopops to wine and from theoretical ideals to practical principles. These are based more on events than emotions. Compared with our parents, we have had to deal with way more way sooner: sex, drugs and debt. Which is why we’re busy having a quarterlife crisis. Researching my book I found twenty-somethings looking and acting older than their years: a third claim to be putting one tenth of salary into a pension. More than half of us still believe it’s realistic to go through life with just one partner. Despite the fact that J-Lo has had more weddings than Madonna has had farewell tours. Still fewer women than men will admit to one-night stands.

And we’re oddly coy about online porn—just over half of us admit looking at it. This seems unlikely given that you can slip into a porn spiral by Googling something as innocent as a jug. It’s like saying you’ve never glanced at the top shelf in the newsagents. Only the really short or very blind can honestly claim this.

The self is absolutely at the centre of the iGeneration. But we’re not self-centred. We are a disparate demographic bound together by our individualism. We put on our own mask before helping others. Issues motivate us more than parties. We download singles not albums. So what if it is all about me? I like me. I just happen to like you too.

Damian Barr is author of Get It Together: Surviving Your Quarterlife Crisis

woah, tried to post something about the lake district but it sent blogger a bit mad. It had a picture and everything!

Oh well. Another time perhaps.

The lake distrct is a very beautiful place...



see! That's Windemere. The huge hills and lakes make you feel so small and insignificant (or even smaller for me!).

I liked it there :-)

Been very lazy with posting lately, sorry about that.
Well, my 'inspiring' day wasn't very inspiring at all since I had to get some stuff and didn't actually have much time to think and take in my surroundings, but I do actually feel a little better...a little more creative. Just needed time I suppose.

Still feeling horribly unfit and eugh though. Need to step up the exercise.

I need inspiring. Will do something I used to do a lot more often, on Monday i think. See where it takes me.

ps. I know in the last post I said I had more to say, but, um, I can't remember what it was **blushes**...lost somewhere in the pathways of neurons running through my head. If I ever remember I won't procrasinate and will write it down stright away -promise! :-)

Daddy's home! :-) He's got quite a bit of time off so has spent the past couple of days at home. Reckon he'll pop into work at some point though, he rarely stays away for too long.

Yesterday my dad and I attempted to make "khasta roti" (think thats how you spell it!).....basically a type of chappati. Now you see, there's something about rotis (chappatis), in that in order to be considered a 'proper/good indian girl', you're supposed to be able to cook these things. (at least in my family).

With a little instruction from my dad (he knows the theory since he spent his childhood watching his mother/grandmother make then 3 times a day), and my minimal experience (from my grandma showing me a few times when i've gone to india)...........we made some. And not only that...they were round, and edible!

I'm aware that this sounds very trivial and ridiculous (maybe becuase it is?), but that was actually quite exciting for half a day. Mostly because its started to dawn on me lately that my knowledge of cooking is very limited. I can cook pasta and stuff...and know in theory what to do with meat and all sorts of other things, but I've just never cooked properly on a regular basis from fresh ingredients. When that happens in my house, my mum is generally cooking indian food and wants me out of the kitchen to get out of her way, which is fair enough I suppose.

Don't need to learn everything straight away...I know the basics and could survive if all processed food was suddenly stopped and there was only fresh ingredients, i think. (maybe they should do that for a week or 2 to see how people cope. hmm.)......but would like to learn a bit i think while i'm a layabout student.

wow, that was quite a long post. Haven't even said all I want to say. Will save the rest for tomorrow I think :-) Adieu xx

I don't seem to write as much as I used to. Its not that I don't want to, but it just isn't coming as easily these days. The words and poems just used to flow out naturally, but now when I write, they feel forced, which to me makes them sound forced.

Just a phase or something I'm sure. Maybe need a new perspective. Same thing has happened with my painting. I want to paint but its just not happening. Lack of inspiration or something probably. Guess I've been too focused on other things and people these past couple of months. Hmm.

I don't know.

I ran my dogs instead of walking them today. Only up and down a field, but better than nothing. Really need to get back into shape, feel icky now.

Better food, more exercise needed.

ps. Rain really is very pretty.

Spiderman 2 rocks! That's such a good movie. I reckon the reason we don't have any super heroes here is that there aren't enough tall buildings for villains to throw people off -thus needing them to be saved.

Just a theory ;-)

Mazda has a brand new battery -yay! One step closer to being saved. It's being professionally valeted tomorrow which should make it feel all clean and happy. Car paint should be easy to obtain, can sort that out later though. Got my driving test in September, hopefully will pass this time. Those things combined and.....yep, you guessed it, the Mazda will be safe! No junk yard or selling it to complete strangers will happen. Hopefully. Fingers crossed.

Thats all for now. Spent today painting the inside of the garage...is over half done now, thank God.

I love swimming. There's something so peaceful about it, sliding your way through the water. The blue giving way to your touch, no matter how gentle....and when you go underneath it all, you're so far away from the real world. Hazy views and bubbles engulf your vision, and you're caputured for a while in a gently swaying cocoon. The weightlessness is such a free feeling. You can float on your back and hide away your ears, make everything far away.

I need that time away from everything sometimes. To be able to think on my own in a totally different but familiar environment, most people do I suppose in one way or another.

Its soo not about deaf taxi drivers!

Used a power jet washer today to clean my car, which has started growing moss because it can't be moved because the battery has gone dead. Well, I say my car, but in fact my dad has decided to remove me from the insurance because it was costing more than the car was worth. hmm.
Anyhoo, back to the jet washer thing. Very cool. So powerful it took some of the paintwork off! The stickers on the back saying the make of car were also jet washed off. Now no one behind the car will know its a Mazda 323. Poor thing. I jet washed away part of its identity. But quite frankly, it should be grateful that I'm washing it at all and not sending it to a scrap yard. It's battery may be dead, but it has served our family well for many a year before that, so I think we owe it to the car to a least try and save it before we abandon it. Too many things are disposable these days. Some car paint, a brand spanking new battery and a full driving licence for me, is all that is needed I think. Lovely.

Just spent a couple of weeks in the south west of England. I like it there :-) The countryside is such a nice change from my concrete suburbia. I needed the fresh air and peacefulness.
Would have been nice to have gone on more holidays in England when I was younger I think. Hmm. Oh well.....bygones.

I can't escape the lawnmowers!!

Deep breaths. It's only temporary.
*Inhale*
and
*Exhale*

Look in a little bit closer.
I dare you ;-)

Blinded by warm evening sunshine,
Her vision was filled with reflections and shadows.
She didn't think on yesterday or tommorrow
Or the Beatles song that was playing with its tin sound.
She wondered how many other girls there were out there
Squinting at the evening sun,
watching a green leaf glow in the light,
thoughtfully placed with the pink flowers.
But she wasn't concerned with patterns and orderly processes
or who had invented the glass that the sun shone through.
Everything is baffling if you think it back far enough.
Eventually no one knows.
So instead she focused on that moment
and on the tiny rainbows created when she narrowed her eyes.
She could try and understand later.
For now she was content with their mystery.

I feel confined.
hmm.

Home again. I think I'm used to this moving back and forth thing now...doesn't seem so strange this time. Also my dad left today. Kind of a strange feeling, but was all pretty good natured which made it easier. I like army people, they're always so nice and good humoured :-)

Garden parties with friends,
Seeing may ball fireworks while midnight punting,
Jewellery reflecting the star light
Gliding silently under the bridge of sighs
Bugs bunny cartoons projected onto a huge screen
Fleeting shadows of people as they cycle along the riverside.
Stroll back to college in the drizzle
Musky smell of humidity in the air.
My dreams call me away
Until next time..............

Last night was amazing, and this is only the start of the celebrations :-)

FINSHED MY EXAMS!!
Can't believe I've finshed 1st year already.....that just flew by......

Lovely Morning Thought 1872 - Arthur Rimbaud

Four a.m. in summertime
Love stays fast asleep.
In gardens dawn dispels last
Evening's headiness.

But on the vast site stretching up
Towards the golden apple sun
The shirt-sleeved carpenters
Already work.

Calm in their deserts of moss
They panel fine ceilings
Where the town's wealth will laugh
Under false skies.

For these charming Workers,
These Babylon King's men
Venus, leave the lovers be
In aureoles of bliss.

O Queen of Shepherds!
Bring the workers eau-de-vie
To calm their strength
Until they can bathe at noon in the sea.

..........Made me feel peaceful so thought I'd share :-)

I hate exams
I hate exams
I hate exams
I hate exams
I hate exams
I hate exams.

They start on the 3rd June.
Would really rather be doing other things.

I'm aware that this is a very unproductive attitute, but its only temporary. I figure writing it on here might make me realise how stupid i'm being, and that I should actually do some more revision instead on messing around on here.

Yup, it worked.

Back to work.........

Got my hair streaked red the other day! yay!
So exciting :-)

Only problem is, now I don't wanna go swimming anymore...I don't want the colour to fade!
A dilemma I hear you cry? You don't know the half of it.

AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

phew. just had to get that out...this place is insane, in good and bad ways!

later xx

Do you ever glance out of your window and get the feeling that there's something different out there in the world?....not greater, or omnipotent....just different. Maybe made of other elements to the ones we're made from, living on a different plain, by slightly different rules....but still there.

As the music plays while my wind chimes at the window gently stir, I stare at the still, grey world outside and I wonder; wouldn't it be amazing if spirits and dragons and witches and magic really exisited?

Midnight walks with friends under the moonlight is definitely what its all about :-)

That and the hokey cokey of course......

"In the end everything will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end." -anon

I like uplifting thoughts :-)

My dreams are strange these days.....rivers of paint, dreams within dreams.
It can be so confusing when you're in that state of being neither awake nor asleep.
The tricks your mind plays on you are bizarre.

yay! Happy birthday to me! Can't believe its been a whole year since I started this blog.....

The weather's been so beautiful the past couple of days. Spent an easy sunday morning in the market, then watching the rain soak the flowers on the lawn in the afternoon.
Today, brilliant sunshine catching the light on the dragonfly in my window. Warmth radiating through my skin as I stare at chenile rugs on this casual tuesday.

Life can be so satisfying in those moments of time when you're not actually thinking about anything in particular.

arrgh! Men are so annoying! All of them!

Show me something beautiful?

Weak as I am, no tears for you
Deep as I am, I'm no one's fool
Weak as I am

In this tainted soul
In this weak young heart
Am I too much for you?

Weak as I am.
Am I too much for you?

My philosophy for life?

Treat others the way you want to be treated yourself.

Potting plants in the gentle morning rain.
Calming, wet earth surrounding my senses.
Fresh, cold air through my polluted lungs.
Distant laughter of next door's children.
Earthworms burrow down beneath my fingers.
All around me, I stare at the world through droplets of rain
Slightly distorted.
Slightly happier.....

Good morning........ :-)

Alison Krauss And Gillian Welch---I'll Fly Away
Words and Music by Alfred E. Brumley

Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

Chorus

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

The shadows encircling my eyes
cannot be dispersed by the sun.
I allow myself to drown in moonlight,
the notes playing on in the dark.
The sun gives up, letting the hail hurtle down,
softening to rain as if to say sorry.
Gusts of wind blow delicate pink petals
accross my tarmac drive.
Doting, loyal eyes watch me carefully,
her uncomprehending tail swaying in the dulled room.
The music carries on throughout,
my brain letting my heart take over my fingers.
The wind and rain fade back into the earth
letting the sun out for one more try.

It dawns on me every now and again how differently people look at and interpret the world. I stare out of bus windows and walk along streams, seeing photos and paintings...thinking of way a way to capture the beauty or disgust, be it in words or pictures.....other times being happy to just let it be, not wanting to restrain it with my paint and vocabulary.

But other people see what i see in an entirely different way, want to capture something else about it, in some other form...other people don't even see what i see at all; they don't notice the things that I do and I don't notice the things that they see.

I want to step inside someone else's mind, I want to be taken somewhere that my head wouldn't otherwise think to go. Make me think in a different way. Take me somewhere I havent been before.

Something about this always makes me smile :-)

I love reading. It allows you to temporarily escape into another world when the one your in isn't so appealing anymore.

What is it about depressing films that they make me go insane after?
I'm sure I'm regressing as I get older.
hmm.

wow, word sure gets around fast these days...!

ok, i think i've figured out my strange mood: Life is strange, the world is. Therefore it is only natural that I would have become strange in order to feel like all the other people out there.
Everyone is strange....making me strange yet normal at the same time :-)

Make sense?

jeez, i've been in a strsnge mood these past few days.
hmm.

remember to water your children.

Today is not the day for dreams or dancing
It is not the day for love or tears.
Tomorrow will not be the day to voice your views.
And it will not be the day to face your fears.

The day to follow your heart
And to smile at strangers
Was yesterday my friend.
Not today

woah, i ate a whole medium pizza all by myself today. I musta been hungry.

Just thought I'd share (the fact that I ate it...clearly not the pizza...!)

Found this story linked on the dave barry website.......beware if you're squeamish

eeewwwww

That's possibly one of my worst nightmares.

ok, when my books start throwing themselves at me off the bookshelf (independantly of any human intervention i might add) i think its time for me to take the hint to stop reading blogs and start working.

People can throw a million insults or comments at you in a serious or joking manner, and all of them can completely wash over you.........but occasionaly, they hit the mark without knowing it. Your heart skips a beat then sinks down into your spine; your tongue is paralysed, your brain busy comprehending your reaction to an innocent comment.

I wonder if I know myself aswell as I think I do sometimes.
Life is so strange.

The sunset was beautiful today.

There's so much I don't know, and the more I learn, the more I realise I don't know.

Has a week really gone already? Already a week since lizzy left??
This term is happening so fast, amd i'm just being swept along with it.
Its such a strange feeling. Time seems to flow from essay to essay.......not hours to days or weeks to months. The odd event is thrown in here and there to throw things around, your life and other people's happen around you....but i feel like i'm watching this all through a glass screen.
Detached almost.

muffins.

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done".
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

How true :-)

hey everyone....um, please ignore the last posts.....written by my drunken friend. Actually I could delete them, but hey, why bother? Just to clarify:
I was drunk, I'm not a lesbian, but I do love Lizzy :-)

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye byeb

helllo
prachi is drunk
and a lesbaijn
and sbhe loves lizzy
g rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Your inner artist is Salvador Dali!
Okay, so maybe you don’t dream about melted clocks, but you do share a hint of Dali’s passion for the surreal. Let’s face it -- you’ve got a different way of looking at the world and that means that things aren’t always as they may seem… It’s not necessarily that you have a rich fantasy life – it’s just that you can appreciate different perspectives and points of view. I mean who are you to say something can’t exist? But even when you do come out of your dreamscapes, it’s clear, like Dali, your feet are planted on terra firma. And your unique combination of inspiration and creativity are sure to spell success.

That's me according to this test!

I don't know how to say what I want to say today.
I feel teary and i'm not sure why.
*sigh*

does anything make sense to anyone?

Creed- Don't stop dancing

At times life is wicked and I just can’t
see the light
A silver lining sometimes isn’t enough
To make some wrongs seem right
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And now I’m on my knees again

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many
feel this way

Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly
Away…away

At times life’s unfair and you know
it’s plain to see
Hey God I know I’m just a dot in
this world
Have you forgot about me?
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And now I’m on my knees again

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many
feel this way

Am I hiding in the shadows?
Forget the pain and forget the sorrows

But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many
feel this way

Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly
Away…away

Am I hiding in the shadows?
Are we hiding in the shadows?

Went to a spring ball last night :-) Was amazing..........it had an Arabian nights theme, there was free food and drink of all sorts, live music, a dancefloor, a casino, palm reading, a breakdancing performance, a bungee cord thing, playstations, dodgems, a hypnotists show (didnt see that though)....just to name a few things!
Got to wear my lovely lovely dress :-)
Had a really good time all in all....definitely worth the money.................hopefully will go to a may ball too. hmm. :-)

ps. What's the point in Valentine's day exactly? Shouldn't all you couples be lovey dovey all the frickin time anyway?
(possibly a hint of jealousy in that post!)

Why am I not stressed about this fucking essay? Its in for today. I'm more stressed about the fact that i'm not stressed.
Not only am I regressing, im turning into a total nutcase.

Well, it was going to happen eventually i guess.

Will someone please tell me to stop getting invlved in schoolboy fights and go do my essay?
I'm regressing here, not growing up....i'm sure thats wrong...

...wrong, but fun :-D

Quote from ally: "I don't have ugly friends!"

Lucky me then i guess! ;-)

Nature Boy

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"

Written By:
E. Ahbez

Original Version By:
NAT 'KING' COLE

Holy crap its already February. January sure passed me by quickly.

I think there are 3 in things in this country that make people smile at strangers
1. Love
2. Christmas
3. Snow!

:-D

IT SNOWED!! :-D

Every now and again, i wake up and feel as though i'm joining in the same game as everyone else, but the rules i know are slightly different. I play their game because that's what everyone else seems to know. Secretly I prefer my version, my rules, but no-one else seems to enjoy it as much as i do; I can only play my game alone. They don't want to abandon the game they know,the tricks they've learnt, the other people playing it.
So I continue to play by other people's rules, playing out alternative versions in my head, hoping that one day, someone will want to join in.

In order to understand someone i think you have to let yourself think the way they do. Even if its just for a converstaion or even a few minutes. If you allow yourself to follow the same thought processes as they do, suddenly their view of the world becomes clearer to you, even if you don't agree with it.

Another quote, but couldn't ignore this one :-)

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence.
-Albert Einstein

There are people whom one loves immediately and forever. Even to know they are alive in the world with one is quite enough.-Nancy Spain

How true.

I don't understand the world. There are too many explanations, too many contradictions and compliments at the same time.
Its like a jigsaw where the pieces fit together, but the resulting picture doesn't make sense.
Haven't met anyone who's convinced me to understand the picture the way they do yet, but maybe its not supposed to make sense, does it need to?

I don't know. Do you?

Your dreams are few and far between
passing in and out of shadows that dim their sheen.
Your swirling knowledge is true but frail
leaving your faith to grasp at its tail.

The wings of your angels are broken and torn
they cannot save you, their legs are worn.
So dust off your smile, cloud this mysterious world,
forget your lost faith and use your fear as gold.

Raise your head, and open your ears, your eyes
Obeserve the people around you, have you noticed their cries?
Feel the storms and the calm, use your tears to relieve.
Just let them know you’re here, you don’t have to believe.

and in the words of Girls Aloud (sorry it had to be them), I'd like to say,
"I don't believe in romeos or heroes anymore"

What is it that you want from me?

Well tough shit, you get what you're given. Deal with it.

I want to live by the sea at some point in my life, with a balcony to stand on and feel the cool sea breeze blow accross my skin.

The world is such a sad and depressing place when you think of all the troubles and seemingly impossible problems humans and nature cause. But every now and again you meet, or hear of people who seem to be doing things right.......little rays of light and hope in a dark and confused place.

so, here I am again.

Was woken up by a storm opening and closing my bedroom door this morning (no i don't live in a barn, my window was open). Everything's gone peaceful now, the sky is calm....reminds me of a Turner painting :-)

Sometimes I picture it like water dripping out of a barrell. No matter how much I turn the tap, it won't stop leaking. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but its always seeping out.
I thought I'd gradually refilled the barrell, fixed the tap...I had. But one unexplainable action, a mistake I suppose, and now the tap is broken again. I know how to fix it but somehow it doesn't seem so easy this time.
Meanwhile, the water drips.

What is it that I talk of?
Self esteem.

Sometimes I wish I could say something to someone, or do something just to see how they react.....then undo it if it goes badly.

I need magical powers. (or maybe that should be want)

Other people really do suck sometimes. It would be much easier for everyone if we were all happy living as a loners.
But unfortunately, we're social animals... and so it would seem that other people are essential to our happiness. Its just a matter of finding which people i think.

Bryan Adams - Inside Out

The biggest lie you ever told - your deepest fear 'bout
Growin' old
The longest night you ever spent - the angriest letter you
Never sent
The boy you swore you'd never leave - the one you kissed on
New years's eve
The sweetest dream you had last night - your darkest hour,
Your hardest fight

I wanna know you - like i know myself
I'm waitin' for you - there ain't no one else
Talk to me baby - scream and shout
I want to know you - inside out
I wanna dig down deep - i wanna lose some sleep
I wanna scream and shout - i wanna know you inside out
I wanna take my time - i wanna know your mind
Ya know there ain't no doubt - i wanna know you inside out

The saddest song you ever heard - the most you said with
Just one word
The loneliest prayer you ever prayed - the truest vow you
Ever made
What makes you laught, what makes you cry
What makes you mad, what gets you by
You highest hight, your lowest low - these things I want to
Know

I wanna know you - like i know myself
I'm waitin' for you - there ain't no one else
Talk to me baby - scream and shout
I want to know you - inside out
I wanna dig down deep - i wanna lose some sleep
I wanna scream and shout - i wanna know you inside out
I wanna take my time - i wanna know your mind
Ya know there ain't no doubt - i wanna know oyu inside out
I wanna know your sould - i wanna lose control
C'mon n' let it out - i wanna know you inside out
Ya gotta dig down deep - i wanna lose some slieep
I wanna scream and shout - i wanna know oyu inside out
Tell me everything...

YAY! Had to make some compromises due to expensive taste/budget problem, but finally, as im sure you all want to know.....i've got my boots! :-D

Happy New Year everyone :-) Hope its a good one.

Been having quite a nice time recently....lots of good movies on tv, reading harry potter instead of course books, seeing my friends... mmm. :-)