I don't even know how to express what I feel. All I know is that my heart feels heavy, and I don't know how to make it better.
And I don't know who to ask.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
On Karate...
The sensei has started to separate the classes to kumite on Tuesdays and kata on Fridays. I kinda like kumite, but most of the time the idea of being in an actual fight scares the crap out of me (yes, I'm a girly wimp, so what?)
But yesterday...I got such a buzz out of it. I was kicked in the chest (by accident) and while it hurt, and had she done it harder she would have broken a few ribs...it wasn't that bad. It also made me move quicker! Obviously we use pads when we are using speed and power - but I get some weird kick (no pun intended) out of seeing the other person take a step back becuase of the power of my kick. I'm not saying I'm great or anything - I was against a bunch of lower belts! But it was cool all the same. I think I'd probably be rubbish at proper kumite though - I don't move fast enough and I'm probably not strong enough!
One great thing I like about karate though, is the belief that the sensei has in you. In school, if you weren't naturally good at sport, you were left to your own devices. But here...if you're not good, it's because you aren't trying hard enough, not because you can't do it.
I think that was all I needed when growing up at school - just someone to tell me that I could if I tried, instead of 'don't bother because you're not good enough'...but I can't change the past, and I have that now. Only downside is that he looks *so* disappointed when he thinks you're not trying - which has exactly the effect he wants on me.
It makes me try harder :)
The sensei has started to separate the classes to kumite on Tuesdays and kata on Fridays. I kinda like kumite, but most of the time the idea of being in an actual fight scares the crap out of me (yes, I'm a girly wimp, so what?)
But yesterday...I got such a buzz out of it. I was kicked in the chest (by accident) and while it hurt, and had she done it harder she would have broken a few ribs...it wasn't that bad. It also made me move quicker! Obviously we use pads when we are using speed and power - but I get some weird kick (no pun intended) out of seeing the other person take a step back becuase of the power of my kick. I'm not saying I'm great or anything - I was against a bunch of lower belts! But it was cool all the same. I think I'd probably be rubbish at proper kumite though - I don't move fast enough and I'm probably not strong enough!
One great thing I like about karate though, is the belief that the sensei has in you. In school, if you weren't naturally good at sport, you were left to your own devices. But here...if you're not good, it's because you aren't trying hard enough, not because you can't do it.
I think that was all I needed when growing up at school - just someone to tell me that I could if I tried, instead of 'don't bother because you're not good enough'...but I can't change the past, and I have that now. Only downside is that he looks *so* disappointed when he thinks you're not trying - which has exactly the effect he wants on me.
It makes me try harder :)
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
On size zero...
I was chatting to a girl in the changing rooms after karate yesterday when she announced that she needed to lose weight because she wants to be size zero. That is a horrible thought in itself, but this girl is already slim - no bigger than a size 8 (size zero is a UK size 4). She said her sister is a size zero, and that she wants to 'be like the models in the magazines'...those were her exact words.
I've seen all this in the news lately, and have thought it was bad etc, but I've never met anyone who actually wanted to look like that. I started telling her how unhealthy it was, how it was like wanting to look like someone who was starving, and there were millions of people in world who really are starving, that she would feel constantly hungry and tired, even if she did get to that size, it would be hard to maintain, I told her that guys wanted something to grab hold of, and that I didn't think most guys would find that attractrive. Then told her how your body starts to shut down if you get too underweight, with your periods stopping, and then I told her just how unhealthy it would be generally.
To which she replied:
"Oh, I was going to go on an apple and diet coke diet; is that unhealthy?"
To which I simply said "YES!" (though I should have mentioned that her teeth would probably fall out on that diet!)
I don't know how old this girl is, I think she is a fresher so I'm going to say around 18. She thought guys would find this attractive because that is what she has seen in the media - I'm sure some guys do, but I reckon that the majority want a little something to grab hold of! It was scary to find out that there really are people so susceptible to all of this. Maybe I was a weird teenager, in that while I was totally obsessed with my weight and body image...I only had a vague desire to look like the magazines, not an actual drive to obtain it.
Anyway, I don't know if I changed her mind, but I made her re-consider whether it was a good idea I think, I hope.
The world is such a sorry place, and as real Britain gets bigger (not always a good thing either mind!), the models get thinner. But this is just one of many problems the world faces - people need to realised it is people who cause poverty and wars and low self esteem and crime and violence - it is not just the way the world is. It is like that, because people are like that, and so we are the ones who need to change it.
Right?
I was chatting to a girl in the changing rooms after karate yesterday when she announced that she needed to lose weight because she wants to be size zero. That is a horrible thought in itself, but this girl is already slim - no bigger than a size 8 (size zero is a UK size 4). She said her sister is a size zero, and that she wants to 'be like the models in the magazines'...those were her exact words.
I've seen all this in the news lately, and have thought it was bad etc, but I've never met anyone who actually wanted to look like that. I started telling her how unhealthy it was, how it was like wanting to look like someone who was starving, and there were millions of people in world who really are starving, that she would feel constantly hungry and tired, even if she did get to that size, it would be hard to maintain, I told her that guys wanted something to grab hold of, and that I didn't think most guys would find that attractrive. Then told her how your body starts to shut down if you get too underweight, with your periods stopping, and then I told her just how unhealthy it would be generally.
To which she replied:
"Oh, I was going to go on an apple and diet coke diet; is that unhealthy?"
To which I simply said "YES!" (though I should have mentioned that her teeth would probably fall out on that diet!)
I don't know how old this girl is, I think she is a fresher so I'm going to say around 18. She thought guys would find this attractive because that is what she has seen in the media - I'm sure some guys do, but I reckon that the majority want a little something to grab hold of! It was scary to find out that there really are people so susceptible to all of this. Maybe I was a weird teenager, in that while I was totally obsessed with my weight and body image...I only had a vague desire to look like the magazines, not an actual drive to obtain it.
Anyway, I don't know if I changed her mind, but I made her re-consider whether it was a good idea I think, I hope.
The world is such a sorry place, and as real Britain gets bigger (not always a good thing either mind!), the models get thinner. But this is just one of many problems the world faces - people need to realised it is people who cause poverty and wars and low self esteem and crime and violence - it is not just the way the world is. It is like that, because people are like that, and so we are the ones who need to change it.
Right?
Sunday, February 11, 2007
My god, what has happened to me? I don't mean to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I used to be vaguely interesting. All I do on here nowadays is whine about how lonely I am, or blah blah blah. I started this blog nearly 4 years ago because I wanted to have a record of the things I've seen and thought and, I suppose, felt. But still, there has been too much imbalance lately.
I've had a yearning to create recently. I love seeing beautiful things, and I want to create something beautiful, something that evokes an emotion. It may take a while, but I am going to do it.
:)
I've had a yearning to create recently. I love seeing beautiful things, and I want to create something beautiful, something that evokes an emotion. It may take a while, but I am going to do it.
:)
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Ahem, when I said I needed someone to vent to in my last post, the porn industry wasn't exactly what I had in mind!!!
Also, for people that do ever leave a comment - thank you! The only reason I haven't replied is that frickin' enetation won't let me for some reason! But all comments are appreciated and I don't mean to be rude by not replying! :)
Also, for people that do ever leave a comment - thank you! The only reason I haven't replied is that frickin' enetation won't let me for some reason! But all comments are appreciated and I don't mean to be rude by not replying! :)
Saturday, February 03, 2007
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