We held a little exhibition over the weekend for Republic Day in India. My mum is involved with the organisation that was holding an event, and since we have hundreds and hundreds of photos of India at home (literally), we decided to use some of them - especially as quite a few of them look really professional - my dad and brother are actually really good.

Anyhoo, here is a very small selection of ones I liked - a combination of mine (obviously I like my own photos!) and my dad's. My brother also took some amazing photos, but unfortunately I don't have them on a computer.

My head is full of thoughts and my heart is full of feelings, but I feel like I have no-one to talk to about them. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people about, but the things I am full of will offend those close to me, or I will feel liked I'm being judged, but nothing will be said.

And so here I am, blogging. Is it really so much to want to have someone that you can talk to, that will actually understand at the same time...and more importantly, wants to be there for you?

Sometimes you offer yourself up to the world.
But it's laughs echo round your heart, all it gives you is it's dirt
Chasing after a desire that drives you on and on.
But it's just a conveyor belt, that everyone else trundles along.

Everyone you've loved has always loved someone else even more.
So you try in vain to let go, to leave your heart on the floor.
You always tell strangers to follow their dreams to their end.
You try and do the same, take help from your friends.

But you know you are strong, can take the rough with the smooth.
So still you pretend and withold knoweledge for them to soothe.
Yet oneday you know the weight will become too much.
And the cracks you hide will widen and you'll be crushed.

Then everyone will see what it means to be you.
That you've been disappearing and no-one knew.
And while looking after yourself has made you strong
You've been fading away and now...

...you're gone.

Companionship

"In some cases, the social support offered by an animal is greater than the support than another human could offer."

The Stolen Child - WB Yeats

Where dips the rocky highland
Of Sleuth Wood in the lake,
There lies a leafy island
Where flapping herons wake
The drowsy water-rats;
There we've hid our faery vats,
Full of berries
And of the reddest stolen cherries.
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Where the wave of moonlight glosses
The dim grey sands with light,
Far off by furthest Rosses
We foot it all the night,
Weaving olden dances,
Mingling hands and mingling glances
Till the moon has taken flight;
To and fro we leap
And chase the frothy bubbles,
While the world is full of troubles
And is anxious in its sleep.
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Where the wandering water gushes
From the hills above Glen-Car,
In pools among the rushes
That scarce could bathe a star,
We seek for slumbering trout
And whispering in their ears
Give them unquiet dreams;
Leaning softly out
From ferns that drop their tears
Over the young streams
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Away with us he's going,
The solemn eyed:
He'll hear no more the lowing
Of the calves on the warm hillside
Or the kettle on the hob
Sing peace into his breast,
Or see the brown mice bob
Round and round the oatmeal-chest.
For he comes, the human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
From a world more full of weeping than he can understand.

It's times like this that I wish I believed in God. I don't just mean the knee jerk reaction of praying when you want something - that comes from being brought up in a religious family, it's a habit - not a belief.

I think there are some people that just naturally believe in God - despite the evidence, well, lack of evidence...but I'm just not one of those people. I have no problem with this at all - it would be great if a God did exist, but I'm just not inclined to believe in something so ferverently, when the only evidence I have is that people say so - that, and the fact that the God (gods? I was taught to believe Christianity and Hinduism until the age of 11!) I have been brought up with seem to be incredibly jealous and angry and self loving - qualities I wouldn't even want in a human partner, nevermind someone to worship!

But despite all this, sometimes I envy the solace religious people find in their faith, the peace it gives them when the world is shitting on them daily. Even when they feel alone, they always have that feeling of support from their community.

...Maybe that's my problem? That I don't identify with the communities I have been brought up with and feel am supposed to identify with.
Hinduism: As just mentioned - I am not religious...while I agree with many of the principles and find it fascinating, it feels hypocritical to call myself a Hindu.
Indians: Obviously I share a culture with Indian people, well British Indian people...but I've always felt outside of this. I don't speak and barely understand the language, I don't love bollywood (don't hate it either, but meh), I don't agree with a some of the cultural values, mainly the restriction of women (but granted that is MUCH worse in India), although saying that, there are some that I really do agree with.
One thing that I think really stands out to me, is that I don't feel this need to marry an Indian person. So many other British Asian people I know do feel this, even a lot of the anglicised ones. My family being from India is an important part of me, and a heritage I am proud of and would teach to my children - but it does not define who I am.

I could go on, but in the words of Gnarles Barkley - who cares? I guess I'm just feeling lost and rejected right now. I have something to give world - why won't you fucking take it?!

On Beauty...

As I've been getting older, I seem to find myself agreeing with all those cynical older women I heard talking when I was younger, realising that most of the time, life just doesn't have the hollywood happy endings. I've always had an awareness that if you want to attract men, you have to look good - full stop. My whole family certainly drilled that into me from a very young age (unfortunately for me though, if you're not skinny, you can't be attractive according to them - but that is a whole other tale of woe I won't go into!) As I've got older, I realised through magazines(!) and trial and error that there is obviously more to it - confidence, the ablity to flirt and flatter - these combined with good looks seem to attract men like moths to a flame...but I always had that (childish?) hope that, even if you weren't as pretty as the girl next to you, guys wouldn't care - you have the personality right?

Wrong. I really think that if a girl is pretty enough, and has an agreeable/cute/kind etc personality - she can keep a man interested for a long time, maybe even a life time in some cases. If the girl is kinda pretty, plus the aforementioned personality - maybe he'll be interested, but for a little less time, because in the end I think that most men just want to be with a beautiful woman that makes them feel good about themselves and that they get on with.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all men are shallow and only care about how women look, and I know there are plently of men that focus on personality much more than looks for a long term partner- but I still think there are a whole lot of men out there that in the long run, prioritise the other way round. I suppose though, if both parties are happy with that, who am I to judge them?...but sometimes I wonder if there'd be more happier people in the world if it wasn't the case. The anthropologist in me kicks in here and says it's all part and because of evolution - people want to reproduce with beautiful people = more people and continuation of the species...but in this modern world where we live till 80, not 30, where people move away from their families for warmer climates and where money problems plague you from 16 and sometimes earlier, is this an evolutionary desire that is unecessarily strong - isn't personality an and a deep bond more necessary?

Maybe I'm wrong about the whole thing - I hope I'm wrong and that someone will prove me so, but right now that's how it seems to me.

(ps. been thinking about writing this for a few days now, but also read this in the sunday times yesterday which I found quite interesting!)