Right, feeling a bit better now! Just needed to write it down and dwell on it for a bit...which I've now done! My moods do seem to go up and down, but I guess life is like that :) I'm healthy and have wonderful friends, which is more than a lot of people have!

Optimistic Prachi returns.

I can feel myself building up those walls again, that I so foolishly let someone break through by showing them my weak areas. The disadvantage of these walls is that I feel more detatched from everything, people. The advantage is that I can manage by myself, in my self-sufficient world. I can deal with feeling alone better, because by building up walls it becomes my normality.

When lonliness is normal, you stop thinking about it. It's just how your life is for now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm performing for the world around me. I laugh and I make jokes, becuase if I don't people start thinking there's something wrong. Soemtimes there is, sometimes there isn't, but generally if I want to talk about it I will. However, I've spent the better part of my life observing people. I was intensly shy until about 16 years...observing was something I came to like and be good at. Just because I'm more confident now, and actively join in conversations, doesn't mean I don't want to just be quiet and watch sometimes...although I do appreciate that people care.

Basically I wish I didn't feel the need to pretend to appear constantly happy. I'm not constantly happy..is anyone? Its tiring, and in the end, just makes me feel more lonely because at the end of the day, I don't have that close person with whom I feel I can share these things. I know my friends are there for me, but I guess I've always felt like they don't need to listen to my problems more than they already do.

I don't know, rant over.

Events just seem like details in a blur
and you collect your tears in a jar for your friends.
You're tired of your dreams and of hearing the truth
closing your eyes to a velvet black
and opening them to a created reality.

Sometimes you can't dig your nails in deep enough
Sorrow and solitude come your way, hand in hand
Offering you their tears to drown in.
A familiar but dangerous friendship

This is cheesy, but I like it:

"The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity."

-Francis Maitland Balfour

I was thinking the other day about what it is that makes me post on this blog regularly. Who am I talking to? It started off 2 years ago, as somewhere to put all the random thoughts I have (I have quite a lot!) Somewhere to put down/witness all those things I think of, that would just sound too random to say to a friend or another person.

It still serves that purpose for me now, as well as the added bonus of being a good way to keep people updated on your life. However, it occurred to me recently, I think I use this space as a replacement for someone to listen to me. I have friends, that I talk about very random stuff with, but this is the little things, that aren't worth mentioning off hand unless its to a person who wants to know you inside out.

I want someone to want that. To meet me and want to know more, not to get to know a bit then get bored or decide it's not worth it. Importantly, I want to feel the same about that person. I want to meet someone that I find fascinating, that I can't figure out after a few converstaions and want to know more. I want someone to care about about, to love. And to have that in return.

Until then though, I'll keep posting here...as a witness to myself. I saw 'Shall we dance' over the easter holidays. There was a line in it, that said "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness."

I'm not saying I want to get married just yet....but that's what I'm after I think. A witness that cares, and that I can give back to.

Wow, that was one of the nicest birthday celebrations I've ever had! Went out for a lovely meal with all my close friends, then went for drinks after with them and some more. Obviously, they got me quite drunk (damn Cambridge and it's pennying!). Today we broke open the champagne Chris and Cat got me, and were very posh with our ferore roche at the same time :) Also got some beautiful presents, I love my friends here so much! Don't know how many of them read this, but you're really appreaciated if you are reading this :)

ps. eep, just changed the thing at the side to 21..i'm so old!

Well, it wasn't the most exciting birthday I've ever had, but it was still nice. A few people forgot or got the wrong day, but I still got loads of texts and calls so I guess it's ok :) Started the morning by picking up my parents from the airport (they had just come back from India), spent the rest of the morning talking and looking at the things they'd bought. Afternoon was fairly uneventful, apart from all the lovely texts/calls I got! Then did the obligitory taking the dogs out cos my parents were too tired, then a luurvely dinner with my family. My brother and cousin came up all the way from the south-west which was so nice of them. The food was absolutely gorgeous, but quite expensive...think it was worth it though. Got home, everyone was tired or jet-lagged so they all went to bed. I chatted on the net for a bit then fell asleep....possibly slightly tipsy from the meal :)

All in all, it was quite nice :) Going out on Tuesday with my uni friends, hopefully that should be fun too!

wow, feels like a hell of a lot has happened since my last birthday :)