While I was visiting my uni friends over the weekend, I noticed that I still have an old habit from when I was younger. The same thing happened again the other day when I met some friends from home, though I don't remember the exact context of either. I don't want this habit anymore...it's redundant in my life now. I want to write this for myself, so that if I catch myself doing it I can come back and remind myself why I don't need to. Anyone reading this should be warned that below is going to seem a bit self-involved (who am I kidding, this whole website is self involved!) ok...self-appreciating, but I need to write this for me. Just feel free to stop reading if the violin music in the background gets to you or you need to find a sick bag :)

When I was in primary school, there were 4 of us who were a bit better at some subjects than the the rest of the class, and we were quite often given some different work, mainly in maths. Being singled out like this makes you obviously different, and while I wasn't teased about this particularly, it was just something else that made me stand out. So, I started pretending to be slower than I was because it was something I could control. When someone asked me a question I instantly knew the answer to..I'd deliberately pause and pretend like I was thinking. I started doing the same thing in secondary school when someone asked how I knew something, or questioned me in that way. This meant that by the time I got to 6th form, I did it without even thinking (oh the irony!). I was asked something, I pretended to think about it, then I gave the answer....just to make myself fit in a bit better. The thing is...the people I was trying to fit in with, were often just as clever or quite often cleverer than I am. I didn't need to do it then. I certainly didn't need to do it when I got to Cambridge, but there it was...second nature to me. A ridiculous habit picked up from when I was a shy little girl who barely spoke to anyone that didn't speak to me first, because I was afraid of being laughed at.

I hate that I still do this...yes, sometimes I genuinely need to think (ok, most of the time!) but those times when I don't...when I hesitate to vocalise what I''ve thought, it's like someone has a tiny little knife and has just stabbed me in my abdomen. For a moment I'm annoyed at myself, but swiftly move on because the conversation is flowing, and someone has already said what I was thinking; It's too late. But I'm not a shy little girl anymore, I know people won't laugh at me or think differently of me for knowing the answer to something...whether it's a trivial or imprtant thing...certainly not in a bad way anyway. And those that do...well I don't particularly care for the judgements of people who think like that anyway.

So, this is to remind myself that I don't need to apologise for being me, for being bad at some things and good at others. Hiding myself shouldn't be second nature, and I want to change it.