arrgh! F***ING PERIODS! What did women do to deserve such pain?!
(sorry, really needed to get that out!)

*deep breath*

Ok, time to stop whining and procrastinating now.

I hate being here when all my family are together in India. It's been so long since I saw them, over 2 years now. I know there wasn't really much alternative, but not only do I miss my grandparents and aunties and uncles and cousins, but I miss the country too. I couldn't live there permamently, but despite its bad points I do love it there; it's a beautiful place. I especially want to see my grandparents though. They're the only ones I have now, and they're not getting younger.

At least I've got a little bit work done being at home I suppose.

Blah Blah Blah.....

That's all I have to say about that.

Another totally unrealted to anything thought for you....
...I love sitting in a car when it's going through a car wash or when the windows are all completely covered in white foam. There's something so peaceful about it; all the sounds are dulled and the light is gentle, filtered through these translucent white walls.
I haven't been in an automatic carwash for years, I suppose it was when I used to get regular lifts with my parents. The car wash was always fun though, as it was almost scary. You're locked into your car, the windows are covered in foam so you can't see out, then before you see it, you hear this HUGE noise as it prepares to run its gigantic red and blue spinning washers over your windows.

Ok, maybe I was easily scared as a kid! I'm going to put it down to an overactive imagination! :-p

Well, I went down to Godalming over the weekend to visit a friend for his party, twas really nice to see him and his family are so lovely! The countryside I passed through on the train was also beautiful, saw England's green and pleasant lands if you will. Especially in the sunshine, England's countryside really can be stunning. I love imaginig what it would have looked like before people altered the landscape.

When not staring out the window, I also like to imagine what people would have looked like a 100 years ago. As in, look at the people around me on the train, and imagine what they would have looked like in victorian clothes and hairstyles, what job they might have had instead of a suited up office worker. It's also cool to imagine even further back, to medeival or even roman times. I also try and match what they would have been wearing to their country/continent of origin (if i can guess), like imagine Indian people dressed up in Indian stuff from history.

Yes I'm quite sad I know, but it passes the time when you're taking an 4/5 hour train journey! :)

My grandad died on Tuesday. He was my mum's dad. I haven't written on here till now because I'm not sure how to describe how I feel. I'm still not sure, just hoping it will come out if I start. First off, it's awful to have to watch my mum be upset, but she's actually coping really well. Both her parents have gone now, her mum died before I was even born. It's lucky that they had a trip to India booked already, they leave at 4am or something tonight. The think about Hinduism is that they burn the body immediately, so if you're not in the country, you don't get to see the body. My dad wasn't able to perform the last rites for my great grandma as she had asked him to, because he just couldn't get there quick enough despite being there in under 48hours. My mum said she didn't want to go earlier because they wouldn't wait for her before the cremation anyway. I think they're at least waiting for my parents to arrive before they perform all the other ceremonies though. It must be an awful feeling to know that both your parents are dead, no matter how old you are. It's also an odd feeling for me, knowing that I don;t have any grandparents from that side of the family anymore. Like a void.

As for me, I wasn't that close to him, but he was still my grandad. He was always kind to me, gave me money or gifts , and he just wanted me to be happy. I don't know why but I always thought he was a little bit quirky...probably just old age, but I liked that :) Speaking of age, he was 97... a pretty impressive age if you ask me. Whenever I saw his letters to my mum, he often mentioned my late grandma (who died before I was born). Seems like he missed her quite a lot. I dom't know if I believe in an after life, I don't really know what I believe anymore....but if there is one I hope he's with her.

I heard the news when I was at Alton towers with my friends. I felt a bit bad for them, they must have felt slightly arkward, but they were all so great, I love them all :). But I had a really fun couple of days, and I was glad they were there. Anyway, I better go as I have many errands to run and work to do, but I just need to say this as I won't ever get to see his body...goodbye nanaji, I hope you're at peace. xx

Ok, well I keep having these amazing thoughts that I want to write here. Problem is I keep having them when I'm either asleep or very nearly asleep, meaning that come morning I remember that there was something I wanted to write, but I can't remember what it was! Yes i know, I'm a fool.

Since I don't have any wonderful deep thoughts for you, I'll just update you on my life :)

Since I've come home, I've helped my mum out with a Holi function she was organising (a Hindu festival), I have found the room in my floor, though there is still a rather obtrusive exercise bike in there! I've baked 2 cakes, the second of which I am particularly proud of! :D I've seen my friends a couple of times, seen a film or 2 and spent time with my parents over the bank holiday weekend and organised a trip to Alton Towers! (happening next week, yay!) Oh, I've also revised and worked on my dissertation a bit ;)

Wow, I actually have been quite busy! I think I want to do some painting this holiday. I was thinking about my art stuff from school, and so much of it doesn't really mean much to me because my teacher would only let me do life drawings! I would love to develop/work on some of the ideas I had then. Make some stuff that really has meaning for me, not just something that looks cool. The main problem is time and space really. I think I can make both of those this holiday though ;)

Well, back home again. Been feeling much better lately, had just hit a low point in terms of having loads of work, stress and staying in my dark attic room, while all my friends were enjoying themsleves in the sun! Had a cry and chat and sorted myself out though :)

Some things never change at home. I came back to find my room absolutely full of all my uni stuff (my dad had brought it home over the weekend), and an exercise bike (!) As usual my mum has bought some random pretty boxes and moved a few things around, which will just get moved back again :) It's quite nice to have things to do at home, makes feel like I'm not wasting my time! Possibly a little more to do than I'd like, but at least I won't just vegetate.
Anyhoo, I better go and finish finding the floor in my room! traa x

In the words of Faithless, "just below my skin, I'm screaming". That's really how I feel sometimes. Had a chat with the college nurse today, was so good to get some stuff out. I really love Downing College, they're not perfect by any means, but I really do think they do their best to provide the best establishment they can for the students :)