Two things:

1. It may all look the same to you, but believe me I'm pretty proud of myself!

2. Is wanting to be listened to and not just heard really so much to ask?

Cold winds wrap loose around my heart
But caring hands soon follow with warmth.
The answers are questions I fear to ask
A quiet mind follows the slippery path.

There will be one moment to find the truth.
One moment to gage the mood.
Time slips away into the night,
as starlight guides my path to the fight

The struggle ahead is known and long.
It begins with a kiss and ends with a song.
Moonlight flickers between wavering trees,
An ancient witness to those that broke free

There will be one moment to find the truth.
one moment the gage the mood.
And time slips away into the night,
as starlight guides my path to the fight.

Tired eyes follow a beckoning smile
Out through the door and into the wild
My bold goodbye follows a hesitant step
Because I know you'll be with me until the end.

You know, this Christmas - I got exactly what I needed :)

Nice things:

-I am home, away from smelly London
-I am re-united with my dogs (ok, and parents)
-I have access to all my relaxing activities like my piano and art stuff

Not so nice things:

-I am revising for exams
-I am being distracted by requests from my parents (that don't seem to have comprehended that I have exams)
-I am cold

Hues

When I was low I used to think of you
And life would seem better, a rosier hue.
Then day by day I had to learn again
That things change, that you can’t be afraid.

Little by little, you closed in on your wish
Convinced of it legitimacy, we went to the brink
Propelled by a haze of jealousy and fear
Disguised by your happiness, of when I was near.

After so much time you still didn’t know
Where I wanted my hopes and dreams to flow.
We parted, but the sorrow was more than that
Because you knew who I should be, but not who I am.

Now my daily world is a little bit greyer
And I continue alone, but you too my dear.
Sometimes I wonder if you’ll ever find your truth
And if you know that life now, has a gloomier hue.

Democracy

I've been thinking a lot about politics of late, wondering just how much of a democracy we in the UK are. Now, I've never studied politics, but my impression is that a democractic government represents and acts for it's population, through the process of elections. The government's basic role is to carry out the will of the people and maintain public institutions such as schools, the emergency services, benefits etc, and maintain international dialogues for trading, culutural purposes etc. Obviously it's role is more complicated than this, but that is what I understand as the basic purpose of government.

Now when the UK went to war against Saddam Hussain, it was claimed (maybe or maybe not through genuine belief) that Saddam Hussain had Weapons of Mass destruction and that it was in the interests of Iraq, and the UK and USA to remove him from power. As far as I can remember (and I may be wrong), the UK was told of Blair's justification for wanting to go to war. With this knowledge, over a million people still protested against it - and those were just the ones that could be bothered to go out and demonstrate. Given the size of the demonstrations, in a true democracy wouldn't this have made the government at least publically reconsider the war? Now I'm sure they didn't want to appear as weak, but in the end, it isn't the minsters that fight those wars; it's the army, people from the general population. Why didn't the government even make an attempt at pretending to have listened? Not that that would have made it better, but it wouldn't, in my opinion, have been such a blatabt flouting of democratic principles.

To make matters worse, turns out their reason for starting the war was invalid anyway, but by that time it was too late - Saddam Hussain was no longer in charge and the country was (and is?) in a state of near collapse. What bugs me now though, is that there seems to be a general perception that Iraq was invaded as part of the retaliation against 9/11. Everyone seems to have forgotten about Afghanistan.

Anyway, I digress. My point (longwinded though it is!), is that I don't think there is enough accountability in this country. Ministers should make an active effort to justify the policies of their departments, and where possible, get relevant and real people's opinions on how they will be affected. A long speech everynow and again isn't good enough. If the government is really the political representation of the people, then they should be actively engaging the public becuase they believe they should - not because they have to.

In the words of Douglas Adams, maybe it's true that:
'Anyone capapble of getting themselves made president should on no account be allowed to do the job'

Solutions anyone?!

On understanding.

For quite a long time now, I've thought that knowing why you believe something is really important; that when you do something, you should know why you're doing it and not just because someone told you so. After all - it's your life, shouldn't you be allowed, as an adult, to make the decision on whether something is a good/desirable use of your time?

I've always wondered what the world would be like if every single human being knew why they were doing something. I don't mean on the basic level of 'they did this, so I'm doing that'. I mean at a deeper level, of why their action provoked your reaction. Why your culture values something over another thing, why other people might accept something that you can't, and why you choose to accept the beliefs that you do.

My theory has been that if people did behave this way, there would be a lot less fighting (though still some I'm sure), a lot more understanding and hopefully, more peace.

But everynow and again, I wonder if it really is such a good idea. In theory, I have no problem with it (unless someone comes up with a good reason why I should!), but is it really practical? Personally, I naturally try and see things from other people's point of view - to try and see why they're doing what they're doing, because if I disagree, I might be able come up with a more viable reason why, or if I agree - I know why I agree. But this creates the problem of being in a constant state of flux. I'm so busy trying to understand other people's thoughts and get into their heads, that often I end up doubting my own ideas, constantly questioning if I'm really happy with my values and beliefs.

Some people may think this is a healthy thing (which again, I agree with in theory), but in practice, this means that when someone challenges your ideas, you may not sound as convincing as you know you should, because you're always open to having your ideas changed. In theory (is there another word for theory?!), if you've properly considered all the opinions known to you, then you should be fine with defending your own. But again, in practice it's not always so easy to consider every opinion presented to you so thoroughly - there is only so much time in the day to think after all.

So while I still like this way of thinking and living my life, it does create difficulties, and at times lonliness, because in a sense you are alienated from the people of your culture who don't know why they're doing what they're doing (which in mine is possibly most of them). Like they say, 'ignorance is bliss' and in this case it may be true. From my observations, people who strongly believe in something (excluding all the crazy psycopaths/murderers/people who generally harm others etc) are usually part of a community and get a sense of belonging from that.

But possibly, partly because of the way I think, I don't have that sense; the feeling of really belonging anywhere. And this makes me envy those who do hold strong beliefs that can't be swayed, and makes me wonder - maybe understanding isn't as important as I think it is?

On happiness

Been meaning to link to this for *ages* but I just re-read it so here it is:

Is Happiness Enough?

It's basically I debate I had with myself a lot when I was growing up which this person articulates quite well. I also think the point he makes about ignoring the suffering on your own doorstep is a very true one. Maybe because it's easier to deal with suffering that you mainly experience through words and a tv screen? When it's where you live, it's harder to look at it objectively sometimes, and easier to see it as something that is just part of the area - that would be too hard to change. Maybe because if it's where you live, there's that possibility that you are partly responsible for it - because you are part of the society that has developed a situation where some people are well off and some people struggle to pay the rent.

But these are just the musings of a girl. There are times when I wonder if it's even worth trying because the task of trying to make the world a better place just becomes harder and harder the more I learn about it.

Alone again. :'(

I have a 20-25 minute walk to uni everyday at the moment. The beginning bit of my walk is usually pretty peaceful and I've found is a good time to think. On one of these walks I found myself thinking about my identity and how other people perceive me. I think I have a fairly good idea of myself being in my early 20s and all, but I still haven't quite figured out how my perception fits in with everyone else's yet - is it totally different? Similar? Does it even matter?

One aspect of this, which I'm sure I've gone on about a lot on here, is my Indian heritage. I was trying to figure out why it bugs me when complete strangers want to know where I'm from, people who I am never going to be friends with and who I have no social interaction with (except to buy something from them maybe).

Suddenly I realised my problem - I don't like that people feel they can know something about me, based solely on the fact that my family come from a certain country. I agree, your culture is a huge part of who you are, but who are they to assume that I follow everything? That I believe in it, or agree with it. I'm not saying that I don't, but I resent being judged (because that is what they're trying to do) on my background. If someone is determined to judge me, do it on my personality, of which my culture is a part, not my heritage. I don't want myself to be defined by what other people of my culture think - because yes, I may have a similarity to them in some respects, but why is it a given that i will? Well I suppose it's because most people *do* follow the culture they're brought up with...but it still bugs me.

You might then say, why do you care what they think of you? Well I don't especially, which is why I reply with whatever I feel is appropriate and forget about it, but I think it's the principle that I disagree with.

Sometimes I wonder if I let myself drift a little too far out. Like when you go for a long walk, then realise that you have to walk the same distance again to reach home.

Unaccustomed lungs gasp for unpolluted air
Body weighed down by millennia of tradition.
Precious stones glint under artificial lights.
Each one reflecting a distorted image.

Pampered skin and then her soft brown hands
Intricately decorated by a red-brown paste.
Bathing herself in the air’s humidity
It’s stifling presence clouding her thoughts.

She belongs to neither this world or that
Never quite fitting the available moulds.
Beads of sweat in the small of her back
Duties performed by feet in agony.

A beautiful language flows past her ears
No detail in the conversation’s light and shade.
Hypnotic music kicks up the dust
As a swarm of colours obediently dance.

Heavy clouds linger to release their load
Onto the patient dry earth and dusty leaves.
The same earth she stands on in her other life
Relieved wet grass gives way to the point of her heels.

Her faded hands mark the end of this journey
As an old life beckons her from across the sea.
The ocean so wide, the two lives rarely meet
Leaving her to be an ambassador of both.

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

Sometimes I'm reminded how much more there is to the human brain than what we are consciously aware of. What made think of this specifically was on a (delayed!) train back to Manchester from London. I was reading Foundation and Earth - a great book (and series) and was totally engrossed. Then for no apparent reason I looked up, straight into the eyes of someone that was staring at me through the seats. Even though I hadn't noticed him before, somehow I sensed him watching me. How? I couldn't see, smell or hear him, what made me aware? I find this '6th sense' we all seem to possess fascinating. How does it work 0 phermones??

I suppose its the main reason why I don't rule out the possibility of people being psychic or, more accurately, telepathic. We clearly have the capability to sense another person's presence near to us and to sense being watched. If we can sense that aspects of a person's thoughts, is it so inconceivable that some people may be able to sense more? Some people may have a more developed talent for it (like some people do for languages or art or music or sport).

Obviously I don't have any of the answers, but what I do know is that the human brain is fantastically complex and that maybe - just maybe - it has capabilities beyond that which we are really aware of at the moment.

So many questions, so few answers... :)

Oh yeah, and if anyone is interested in seeing my holiday photos click on the photos link on the lefthand side of this page...

Man I am exhausted. Illness plus jetlag does not mix me thinks. On the plus side, picking up the keys for my new flat today - yay! :D

Heartache

You know, when people speak of heartache, I always imagined it to be a figure of speech - but when you're emotionally stressed or upset about something, your heart really does ache.

Just something I noticed and wanted to note...

Chocolate

Remembered one more thing I wanted to say about America - they have rubbish chocolate!!! I didn't have much while I was there, but what I did have had nothing on the European stuff. I mean, it's not as bad as Indian chocolate but is still not up to my standards I'm afraid :)

mmm, chocolate.

On the plane home I noticed something that I just thought I'd mention here. If you are in a friend's house with a bunch of other people, and someone needs waking up (for whatever reason), it is usually the person emotionally closest who will do it. Just through observation, it seems that people are usually aprehensive about waking people they do not know well - maybe because while some people may be total angels in the day, if you wake them from slumber they may be liable to punch you in the face - and there is no way to find out without waking them up! I guess there is also a sense of being vulnerable while sleeping, so we prefer those who we know well to be around rather than strangers/aquaintances.

But to finally get to my point....on planes this is thrown out of the window (well not literally...) People with whom you have had a 10 minute chat with are totally fine to wake you up on behalf on the air hostess to see if you want breakfast, or even the hostess themselves. I know this is not out of choice, and I suppose is slightly different becuase you are on public transport...but I thought this change in behaviour was interesting none the less. I suppose it's related to the fact that you are all so close together (in economy class anyway) and in effect, when you fall asleep you are almost as close to the person next to you as if you were sharing a bed. That person is in your personal space (and vice versa) and you can either choose to try and ignore them (hard on a 9/10hr flight) or chat to them a little.

Incidentally, the guy I was sitting next to was an anthropologist, so he was probably thinking similar things - what are the chances of that!

USA

Well I've just spent the past few weeks in the US travelling around and seeing people, and just got back home today. (Pictures to come)I arrived at New York, then went to Dallas, Sedona/Grand Canyon, and the San Francisco bay area. My overall impressions of America were that it's people are incredibly friendly, the food portions are humongous, the geography is vast, and despite what people say, you can't get anything you want in America :)

New York
Literally a city that never sleeps. There was a constant flow of people and some impressively huge sky scrapers. In mid and uptown you could forget that Manhattan is surrounded by water, and the atmosphere is very much like London and a big city feel. I much prefered downtown where the sea (and statue of librty!) were visible from, and the different areas seemed to have a bit more character.

Dallas
I didn't see much of the actual city of Dallas, but of what I did see it was kind of...non descript! (sorry Dallas!!) Big buildings in a big space - the JFK museum was pretty interesting though. Plano where I was staying with my cousin was pretty and spaced out with lots of restaurants, and the cultural district of Fort Worth was very much like an old western movie! I had a lovely time here, but my overall impression was of emptiness and mahusive food portions. There were hardly any people on the streets (everyone drives everywhere).

Sedona/Grand Canyon
Sedona is a beautful town nicknamed 'red rock country' which is apt as it is basically full of beautful scenery , a lot of which consists of red rock formations! The Grand Canyon was absolutely awe inspiring, I've never seen anything so vast and immense in my entire life - made me realise just how powerful and beautiful nature really is.

San Francisco bay area
The weather in California is almost perfect, not too hot or cold which immediately makes the place likeable! We drove to Montery and did a 17 mile scenic drive along the ocean which was absolutely beautiful. The next day I took a train into San Fran (I was staying with relatives nearer to San Jose) and did a whirlwind tour, seeing most of the main sights including the Golden Gate Bridge and generally got a feel for the city - I think my favourite of the 3 big cities I saw as it had a really relaxed and friendly atmosphere. On my final day we went to Muir woods which is one of the last of it's kind on earth. This was full of gigantic redwood trees that thrive on the San Francisco fog that rolls in from the ocean.


And then I was home :) Back to reality...

I've just joined technorati to see what it's all about. This post is mainly just to activate my account! :)

Technorati Profile

A lot have people have been asking me what London was like - did I enjoy it? Mostly I say that I really enjoyed it, but that I couldn't live there forever. A year for my masters is no problem, but to settle there for the rest of my life? I don't think I could.

It is an amazing city, full of opportunities and culture. But it is also full of rude, unhelpful people who are perfectly nice in themsleves, but as soon as they are communting/generally out on the streets, woe betide anyone that tries to chat to them or even worse, gets in their way! It's so polluted I could physically feel the extra grime on my skin and hair - and see it when I cleansed my skin at night. It's a minor thing, but the water tastes rank. Last but not least - it's the most ridculously overpriced place I have ever been to. The other night I went for a thai meal with my friends here in Manchester - we all had starters and a main; the food tasted good, service was dodgy but friendly and the meal came to £35 for 3 of us (non-alcoholic drinks though). That would be almost unheard of in London. And it's not just food - it's transport, drinks, entertainment (£10 for a cinema ticket!!), accommodation. I'm just not sure it's worth it.

For me Manchester has enough. It's multi-cultural, has a wide range of bars and restaurants, its cheap and easy to travel around, the people are definitely friendlier - and I like the water!

But you know what? It's hard spending all day by yourself. Even though I'm meeting up with my friends in the evening, somehow it isn't the same. I have plenty to keep myself occupied (I'm working on a research project for my local hospital) but I miss the buzz of working with other people like I did during my internship. Having other people to joke with or listen to. I suppose it's natural to want company though. So much time alone also gives me way too much time to worry. About my dad and having not heard from him for a while, about finding somewhere to live next year, about what I'm going to do after that year, and a whole host of other tiny things. Everyone has worries, but when you have other people to distract you they don't play on your mind so much I guess.

So in summary: I enjoyed London but don't want to live there forever. I love Manchester but miss working with people like I did in London! :)

I don't even know where to start - there's so much I could write about.

Well since this is a space for me, I'll start with the topic that seems to have been with me since I was a little girl and which has been bothering me lately. My weight.

I wasn't overweight when I was a child, but I was made to feel I was, to the point where my self-esteem was so low I don't even like to think of it now. Then I hit puberty and my teenage anxieties kicked in. It wasn't until I was 16 that I ever really became overweight, and I have fluctuated since then but have never been obese.

The reason I want to write about it now though is because I've become aware recently that it's not just something that bothers me when I look in a mirror; it's something that I think about all day, sometimes without even realising it. You might even be justified in saying I was obsessed with it.

I wake up, do all the normal stuff, and check my shape in the mirror. I get dressed, acutely aware of how each garment makes me look, what it hides, what it shows. When I sit down I think about the parts if me that might be made to look bigger, the same when I stand up, walk, carry something. They are usually fleeting thoughts, but they are still there. When I want to eat, either through hunger or habit or just feeling low, I think of the weight I might put on. When I do any exercise, I think of the improved shape I might get. On top of this, I compare myself to every woman I see - friends or strangers (every woman does this, she's lying if she says she doesn't!). I compare myself to the pictures I see (even though I know its futile). When there's a programme on TV about other people losing weight, even if I don't watch it, I'm interested.

It sounds ridiculous right? But that's what goes through my mind. All the time. This is despite knowing that men really don't care about a few extra pounds - I get a fairly similar number of men coming on to me when I'm a little bit bigger than when I'm a bit smaller.

The reason I am writing about this, is because I have a suspicion that it's not just me. I mean, I have grown up with a weight obsessed extended family and father, and a mother that has literally been on every diet she's heard of and has been trying to lose weight ever since I can remember...but I suspect that a lot of women actually think this way.

Women worry about how they look all the time. Their hair, clothes, skin, make-up, bags, shoes, jewellery, nails. Why do we do it? Men hardly notice these things, and even though we might want them to - we know this. Do we value what other women think so much, that almost every waking action is coloured by the way we look. In my instance its weight - but for some it's skin, others it's hair or wrinkles. I suppose I resent the fact that I am so consumed with my body image, when rationally I know there is no reason to be - I am not unhealthy or physically repulsive (well, no has said I am...).

All I want to do is be able to live my daily life freely - to have the freedom to think of other things. There isn't a proper reason why I shouldn't be able to; now I just need to figure out how!

Man it's been 2 months since my last post - I think that might be the longest I've ever gone without posting. Well I have plenty to say, but I shall save it for when I'm not about to go to bed :)

Update on it's I way, I promise...

Demos held an event about immigration the other evening. The discussion was based around a book called Immigrants: Your country needs them. The author was there as well as 3 other panelists and an audience of relevant and interested people. The sentiment of the book was good, but I wasn't convinced by his argument to be honest (though I haven't actually read the book...). That aside though, the topic really did make me think.

It made me think about my own history a lot more. I am a child of two immigrants. People look at me and see that, even when I am not thinking about it at all, other people are. They look at me and see an Indian girl that has been brought up here. I look in the mirror and see me, I don't label myself like that.
I've never really gotten angry when people have asked me where I'm from. I've always replied Manchester, even when I know that isn't what they're asking, but somehow I always just saw it as part of life, as something that was important to other people, but that I didn't see worth getting annoyed about.

But I have grown up in a multicultural environment, and I know a lot of people that do get angry when asked 'where they are from' or similar remarks based on an assumption that you're clearly of non-English origin. I've always got angry about racist remarks, there is no excuse for that, but questions of origin, not really.

But, maybe I should get angry - I mean, why does it really matter? Why should I have to pander to their ideas? Am I a different person because my parents are from India? Maybe it tells someone a bit about the values I may hold (as it happens, I don't fit the stereotype so they're wrong...) but what does that matter to a shopkeeper? Almost every Asian shopkeeper I have come accross more than once, pretty much without excpetion, has asked me where I am from.

I can see why people get angry, but I guess I feel I have other things to get angry about - like racism. But maybe it is attitudes like that that contribute to racism? I dunno, I need to think about it more.

All I know is that when people have behaved towards me or my family in a racist manner, it is the only instant rage that I have ever felt in my entire life. When I left the office at 8.30pm (the event was after work), a tramp (i don't like the word, but I don't know of any other to describe him) looked up, made eye contact with me, then spat in my face.

I stopped in disgust, disbelief and anger. He carried on, mumbling something. I don't normally jump to conclusions, but some instict in me told me it was racist (possibly influenced by the event I'd just been to?). Had he not been old, a tramp and seemingly in posession of some mental problem, I would have had a go at him. But it seemed like it would have been fultile, so I swallowed my rage and left it.

I still don't know though. Am I missing something? Should people wanting to know my family origin make me more than just a bit fed up?

Who knows eh?

I've experienced so much in the past couple of weeks that I should have an essay to write on here - but to be honest, I haven't really had enough time to reflect on it. I just want to make the most of the short time I'm in London. It's odd though - had a wicked band reunion over the weekend, and it fell to me to write some lyrics for a song they'd just come up with. There was a time when I could have come up with something in 20mins, but I sat there for an hour and came up with 4 lines. Luckily other members of the band aren't so creatively challenged right now and came up with some great lyrics.

That kinda scared me though - I don't want to have to sacrifice my creativeness in order to make the most of my time - it's an important part of me.

A compromise is needed I feel.

You know, there are rare occasions when a conversation with a friend can make you feel more alone than before.

When you're teetering on the edge, with concentration you can often regain your balance alone. If someone is there with you, you can reach out to them to steady you. But if you reach out a hand expecting someone to be there, and you are alone, you don't concentrate on balancing by yourself.

And you fall.

I got an internship with Demos - yay! Tis a think tank (if you don't what that is, click here). I had to get lucky sometime right? It's down in London, which is exciting because I get to live in London, but also scary because...I have to live in London! I got a week/10 days to find a place before I start...luckily I managed to find a decent place yesterday when I went down for a couple of days. Just as I'd gotten used to being back in Manchester and at home as well....

:)

I read this article in The Times yesterday. I thought it was a fairly accurate description of what I grew up seeing. Every year we would travel from our suburban paradise in England, to India for at least 2 weeks.

And I was thrown into a different world. One where the suffering of other human beings wasn't just obvious, it was clawing at your car window, sitting on the broken pavement outside your huge house, playing in an open sewer. It wasn't just on a television screen, I could smell it, hear it, see it - but no one ever did anything about it. It was just too overwhelming, too many to help. And that article is right - if you give money to one person, suddenly there are so many more - why did that one person deserve your charity and not the rest?

But somehow, I think seeing that every year, in contrast to my life at home in England, became a part of me. I didn't want to ignore it, but I had to. When the lady with a dying child in her arms cried out for a little money to feed her child, I was told to look straight ahead, not out of the windows. Occasionaly we would give money, especially to the ones with children, but something inside me knew it wasn't right. No human being should have to lead a life like that. I had done nothing special to deserve mine, just as I supposed they had done nothing special to deserve theirs. It is just a luck of the genes, the country, the times - it's random.

Yet the people who should be giving these people a decent standard of living, the government of India, is almost unbelievably corrupt - and it filters down through the whole society. You can bribe almost anyone to get what you want, and many people demand bribes just because they can - the police, civil cervants, the water companies. There is so much good work being done there, but I would not want to give a penny of my money to the Indian government, because I wouldn't trust it as far as I could throw it.

And so I think that is why I want to work in the public sector and with charities, and not just in some city job. I can't forget all the suffering I've seen and not try and do something about it, especially when I am in such a good position to do so. As I've got older, the amount I've become aware of has amplified, along with my knowledge of corrupt governments, and I just can't ignore it. I don't want to look straight ahead anymore, I want to reach out that car window and help give them a chance for a better life.

And so when people look at me, and see a Cambridge graduate and wonder why I'm not in HR or consulting or advertising or PR - I think that is why. While some of those careers do seem really interesting to me, all of what I've just described has really affected me, and something inside me needs to at least try.

I don't even know how to express what I feel. All I know is that my heart feels heavy, and I don't know how to make it better.

And I don't know who to ask.

On Karate...

The sensei has started to separate the classes to kumite on Tuesdays and kata on Fridays. I kinda like kumite, but most of the time the idea of being in an actual fight scares the crap out of me (yes, I'm a girly wimp, so what?)

But yesterday...I got such a buzz out of it. I was kicked in the chest (by accident) and while it hurt, and had she done it harder she would have broken a few ribs...it wasn't that bad. It also made me move quicker! Obviously we use pads when we are using speed and power - but I get some weird kick (no pun intended) out of seeing the other person take a step back becuase of the power of my kick. I'm not saying I'm great or anything - I was against a bunch of lower belts! But it was cool all the same. I think I'd probably be rubbish at proper kumite though - I don't move fast enough and I'm probably not strong enough!

One great thing I like about karate though, is the belief that the sensei has in you. In school, if you weren't naturally good at sport, you were left to your own devices. But here...if you're not good, it's because you aren't trying hard enough, not because you can't do it.

I think that was all I needed when growing up at school - just someone to tell me that I could if I tried, instead of 'don't bother because you're not good enough'...but I can't change the past, and I have that now. Only downside is that he looks *so* disappointed when he thinks you're not trying - which has exactly the effect he wants on me.

It makes me try harder :)

*melodramatic mode on*

Is it possible to die of period pain?

*melodramatic mode off*

On size zero...

I was chatting to a girl in the changing rooms after karate yesterday when she announced that she needed to lose weight because she wants to be size zero. That is a horrible thought in itself, but this girl is already slim - no bigger than a size 8 (size zero is a UK size 4). She said her sister is a size zero, and that she wants to 'be like the models in the magazines'...those were her exact words.

I've seen all this in the news lately, and have thought it was bad etc, but I've never met anyone who actually wanted to look like that. I started telling her how unhealthy it was, how it was like wanting to look like someone who was starving, and there were millions of people in world who really are starving, that she would feel constantly hungry and tired, even if she did get to that size, it would be hard to maintain, I told her that guys wanted something to grab hold of, and that I didn't think most guys would find that attractrive. Then told her how your body starts to shut down if you get too underweight, with your periods stopping, and then I told her just how unhealthy it would be generally.

To which she replied:

"Oh, I was going to go on an apple and diet coke diet; is that unhealthy?"

To which I simply said "YES!" (though I should have mentioned that her teeth would probably fall out on that diet!)

I don't know how old this girl is, I think she is a fresher so I'm going to say around 18. She thought guys would find this attractive because that is what she has seen in the media - I'm sure some guys do, but I reckon that the majority want a little something to grab hold of! It was scary to find out that there really are people so susceptible to all of this. Maybe I was a weird teenager, in that while I was totally obsessed with my weight and body image...I only had a vague desire to look like the magazines, not an actual drive to obtain it.

Anyway, I don't know if I changed her mind, but I made her re-consider whether it was a good idea I think, I hope.

The world is such a sorry place, and as real Britain gets bigger (not always a good thing either mind!), the models get thinner. But this is just one of many problems the world faces - people need to realised it is people who cause poverty and wars and low self esteem and crime and violence - it is not just the way the world is. It is like that, because people are like that, and so we are the ones who need to change it.

Right?

My god, what has happened to me? I don't mean to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I used to be vaguely interesting. All I do on here nowadays is whine about how lonely I am, or blah blah blah. I started this blog nearly 4 years ago because I wanted to have a record of the things I've seen and thought and, I suppose, felt. But still, there has been too much imbalance lately.

I've had a yearning to create recently. I love seeing beautiful things, and I want to create something beautiful, something that evokes an emotion. It may take a while, but I am going to do it.

:)

Ahem, when I said I needed someone to vent to in my last post, the porn industry wasn't exactly what I had in mind!!!

Also, for people that do ever leave a comment - thank you! The only reason I haven't replied is that frickin' enetation won't let me for some reason! But all comments are appreciated and I don't mean to be rude by not replying! :)

Man I could do with having someone to vent to right now. Like NOW. But, probably someone who won't take me too seriously!

Maybe I will call someone? But it's late. But it is saturday....
...But, meh. I can't express myself properly today - very fustrating!

Traa for now kiddies. x

We held a little exhibition over the weekend for Republic Day in India. My mum is involved with the organisation that was holding an event, and since we have hundreds and hundreds of photos of India at home (literally), we decided to use some of them - especially as quite a few of them look really professional - my dad and brother are actually really good.

Anyhoo, here is a very small selection of ones I liked - a combination of mine (obviously I like my own photos!) and my dad's. My brother also took some amazing photos, but unfortunately I don't have them on a computer.

My head is full of thoughts and my heart is full of feelings, but I feel like I have no-one to talk to about them. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people about, but the things I am full of will offend those close to me, or I will feel liked I'm being judged, but nothing will be said.

And so here I am, blogging. Is it really so much to want to have someone that you can talk to, that will actually understand at the same time...and more importantly, wants to be there for you?

Sometimes you offer yourself up to the world.
But it's laughs echo round your heart, all it gives you is it's dirt
Chasing after a desire that drives you on and on.
But it's just a conveyor belt, that everyone else trundles along.

Everyone you've loved has always loved someone else even more.
So you try in vain to let go, to leave your heart on the floor.
You always tell strangers to follow their dreams to their end.
You try and do the same, take help from your friends.

But you know you are strong, can take the rough with the smooth.
So still you pretend and withold knoweledge for them to soothe.
Yet oneday you know the weight will become too much.
And the cracks you hide will widen and you'll be crushed.

Then everyone will see what it means to be you.
That you've been disappearing and no-one knew.
And while looking after yourself has made you strong
You've been fading away and now...

...you're gone.

Companionship

"In some cases, the social support offered by an animal is greater than the support than another human could offer."

The Stolen Child - WB Yeats

Where dips the rocky highland
Of Sleuth Wood in the lake,
There lies a leafy island
Where flapping herons wake
The drowsy water-rats;
There we've hid our faery vats,
Full of berries
And of the reddest stolen cherries.
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Where the wave of moonlight glosses
The dim grey sands with light,
Far off by furthest Rosses
We foot it all the night,
Weaving olden dances,
Mingling hands and mingling glances
Till the moon has taken flight;
To and fro we leap
And chase the frothy bubbles,
While the world is full of troubles
And is anxious in its sleep.
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Where the wandering water gushes
From the hills above Glen-Car,
In pools among the rushes
That scarce could bathe a star,
We seek for slumbering trout
And whispering in their ears
Give them unquiet dreams;
Leaning softly out
From ferns that drop their tears
Over the young streams
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Away with us he's going,
The solemn eyed:
He'll hear no more the lowing
Of the calves on the warm hillside
Or the kettle on the hob
Sing peace into his breast,
Or see the brown mice bob
Round and round the oatmeal-chest.
For he comes, the human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
From a world more full of weeping than he can understand.

It's times like this that I wish I believed in God. I don't just mean the knee jerk reaction of praying when you want something - that comes from being brought up in a religious family, it's a habit - not a belief.

I think there are some people that just naturally believe in God - despite the evidence, well, lack of evidence...but I'm just not one of those people. I have no problem with this at all - it would be great if a God did exist, but I'm just not inclined to believe in something so ferverently, when the only evidence I have is that people say so - that, and the fact that the God (gods? I was taught to believe Christianity and Hinduism until the age of 11!) I have been brought up with seem to be incredibly jealous and angry and self loving - qualities I wouldn't even want in a human partner, nevermind someone to worship!

But despite all this, sometimes I envy the solace religious people find in their faith, the peace it gives them when the world is shitting on them daily. Even when they feel alone, they always have that feeling of support from their community.

...Maybe that's my problem? That I don't identify with the communities I have been brought up with and feel am supposed to identify with.
Hinduism: As just mentioned - I am not religious...while I agree with many of the principles and find it fascinating, it feels hypocritical to call myself a Hindu.
Indians: Obviously I share a culture with Indian people, well British Indian people...but I've always felt outside of this. I don't speak and barely understand the language, I don't love bollywood (don't hate it either, but meh), I don't agree with a some of the cultural values, mainly the restriction of women (but granted that is MUCH worse in India), although saying that, there are some that I really do agree with.
One thing that I think really stands out to me, is that I don't feel this need to marry an Indian person. So many other British Asian people I know do feel this, even a lot of the anglicised ones. My family being from India is an important part of me, and a heritage I am proud of and would teach to my children - but it does not define who I am.

I could go on, but in the words of Gnarles Barkley - who cares? I guess I'm just feeling lost and rejected right now. I have something to give world - why won't you fucking take it?!

On Beauty...

As I've been getting older, I seem to find myself agreeing with all those cynical older women I heard talking when I was younger, realising that most of the time, life just doesn't have the hollywood happy endings. I've always had an awareness that if you want to attract men, you have to look good - full stop. My whole family certainly drilled that into me from a very young age (unfortunately for me though, if you're not skinny, you can't be attractive according to them - but that is a whole other tale of woe I won't go into!) As I've got older, I realised through magazines(!) and trial and error that there is obviously more to it - confidence, the ablity to flirt and flatter - these combined with good looks seem to attract men like moths to a flame...but I always had that (childish?) hope that, even if you weren't as pretty as the girl next to you, guys wouldn't care - you have the personality right?

Wrong. I really think that if a girl is pretty enough, and has an agreeable/cute/kind etc personality - she can keep a man interested for a long time, maybe even a life time in some cases. If the girl is kinda pretty, plus the aforementioned personality - maybe he'll be interested, but for a little less time, because in the end I think that most men just want to be with a beautiful woman that makes them feel good about themselves and that they get on with.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all men are shallow and only care about how women look, and I know there are plently of men that focus on personality much more than looks for a long term partner- but I still think there are a whole lot of men out there that in the long run, prioritise the other way round. I suppose though, if both parties are happy with that, who am I to judge them?...but sometimes I wonder if there'd be more happier people in the world if it wasn't the case. The anthropologist in me kicks in here and says it's all part and because of evolution - people want to reproduce with beautiful people = more people and continuation of the species...but in this modern world where we live till 80, not 30, where people move away from their families for warmer climates and where money problems plague you from 16 and sometimes earlier, is this an evolutionary desire that is unecessarily strong - isn't personality an and a deep bond more necessary?

Maybe I'm wrong about the whole thing - I hope I'm wrong and that someone will prove me so, but right now that's how it seems to me.

(ps. been thinking about writing this for a few days now, but also read this in the sunday times yesterday which I found quite interesting!)